Well, not quite. This is more just curiosity and wanting to see what others think.
I’ve been sending emails back and forth to a girl I knew in HS. The email I got tonight had the obligatory “So do you have a GF?” (Apparently this means I really was not obvious at all in HS as to being Gay). Now, I basically blew it off, but I have been trying to be open about myself with people who ask. My reason was, I havent come out to my family yet (it will happen soon, but of course I need to prepare myself first). Anyway, she was better friends with my twin. I didnt say because I didn’t want it getting to him, and it all coming out in a bad way (“Why didn’t you tell us yourself, why did we have to hear from your brother?” thing. Not that they wont accept, i just think it would be even MORE disappointing that way).
So, while I think it was the best thing, I’m wondering what others think, should I have been truthful then, or would it be better to wait 'til after my family knows and then let it out of the bag? (I’m not worried about her reaction. She’s in England, and I think she’s probably mature enough to handle it well).
Normally I’d advocate honesty in any situation but this may require subtelty doob mate. Not that I’m saying you should deceive her but I think the point you make about ensuring your family hears first is a very good one.
I didn’r realise you hadn’t come out to your family yet. If you don’t mind me asking: are you avoiding it or just not ready? I can imagine how difficult it would be and what a frightening proposition it must represent.
But regardless I think you did the right thing. Giving your parents some respect and consideration in this regard is hardly a bad thing mate. Another example of your sensitivity. You ARE a softie!!!
{{{doob}}}
1962: Marilyn Monroe sang "Happy Birthday" to Pres. Kennedy at Madison Square Garden while wearing a dress described as "skin and beads." Three months later she is found dead, The Beatles recorded their first single for EMI, "Love Me Do" hehe i considered changing that to ....Me Do(ob) ;)
Well, first of all, it’s no one’s right to know your sexual preference or if you have a gf/bf or whatever. I, too, try to be honest whenever possible unless it’s something that could potentially hurt someone needlessly. Not telling your friend that you’re gay isn’t hurting her at all, and you can tell her when the time is right, if you feel the need, or if you think she should know. You can always explain it to her later.
Short story: I got my ex pregnant in my senior year of high school. Quite a few of our close friends knew about it, although I hadn’t told my mom yet (because I was scared shitless!) Anyway, someone told someone who told someone (get the picture?) One of my mom’s employees ended up bringing it up in casual conversation. Imagine how shocked and embarassed my mom was!
So, if you’re planning on coming out to the rest of the world, you better steel your nerves and let your parents in on it, 'cause they may find out before you have the chance and, like you said, that could end up hurting your family.
Doob, I think it was the best thing for you right now. It’s not like she’s a very close friend. And after all, if you just said “No, no girlfriend” - it’s the truth, just not the whole story.
I don’t see any problem. Being open about your identity does not require broadcasting personal information to all comers. She asked a question which was based upon a false assumption. You ansered truthfully without correcting her assumption. That is an appropriate response.
When someone asks if I would like to go to church with them, I generally say, “No, thank you.” I do not feel it necessary to tell them I am an athiest. While I am open about my lack of religious belief, I do not feel the need to discuss my perspective anytime the subject of religion enters a conversation.
And good luck when you do discuss it with your family. I am sure you will handle it well, and I hope that they will also.
I am in agreement with everyone as well, Doob. Sounds like you did the right thing. I understand your desire to be honest with people, but, like Demo said, you are certainly under no obligation to provide such information or explanations. Sounds like the time to come out to your family may be drawing nearer though. Best Wishes!
You’re a twin? Is it identical? Either way, can you be so certain your brother isn’t gay as well. That he’s waiting for the right time to out himself to the family.
Is this person asking if you have a girlfriend in the hopes that maybe something could develop? Is this more than just a random question on a feature of your life? In other words, will she be disappointed no matter how you answer?
Nah, he’s not identical. I’m pretty sure he’s not gay because he recently got married to a girl he knew for two weeks after meeting her in a bar (this was also mostly because he got her pregnant, but that turned out to be false). She has kids and from the way he talks about her, it’s love. They’ve been having problems, but he’s actually the one who really wants to work on the marriage (it took her some time to decide she wanted to also). So, i dont think he’s gay and trying to conceal it.
It’s pretty much a random question. She herself is married (though she is getting a divorce). So, i dont think she has interest in me. She initially contacted me because she found my name on one of those high school alumni websites.
I do agre with you all that no one has a right to know. It is my business, and well, i don’t go telling everyone when it’s not pertinent. I havent told my family yet because i’m not quite ready (I have been thinking about it, but i need to “steel my nerves” as demo said. It will happen, i just wont put a time schedule on it (same with my friends)). Fortunately, my circle of friends at school have absolutely no connection to anyone else I know, so it hasnt gotten back to my family, I’m pretty sure.
But the time for me to come out is drawing nearer. I dont like hiding this part of me from people who really should know. I have a good relationship with them, and from what I can tell they’re all cool about this stuff (even my older bro’s ex Jehovah’s Witness GF), so it’s not like they’d disown me, kick me out of the house, or anything bad like that(Although, my twin does seem to think it’s all a choice. He’ll get a little education when I come out to him).
Also about my twin, he may have suspected. He did catch me once looking at gay porn (just a naked guy). Naturally at the age (15 or so) i basically told him I accidentally went to that link :D. But, he may just be in denial about it, and knew already (I mean, we lived in the same room together for 18 years). I wouldn’t be surprised when he finds out that he’ll say “I knew it all along!”.
Man Doob, that really sucks that you’re not able to be out with your own family. I’m familiar with the low acceptance level of Asian families for gay relatives, but it still sucks all the same.
I’ll go with the rest here and say just tell her no G/F. I just wish that there was some way that you could clue your family in. I’m glad as hell that you have this online family to give you the support that you should be getting at home.
I really have nothing to add, Doob, but I wanted to lend another voice of support. From what I’ve heard from you, your parents will be accepting; I can understand having to “psych yourself up” to tell them though.
Best of luck, and you know we’re all here for you.
It’s a good thing he hasn’t caught you looking at porn lately. “Ummm, yah, well I accidentally went to that three dozen gay porn sites, and umm, yah those gay chatrooms I was in I thought they were places to go to find out about tooth decay.”
I just wanted to post to echo pretty much what everyone else is saying. You have no obligation to tell this old friend your sexual preference. And, only you will know the correct time to come out to your parents and brothers. Your family sounds great. Whenever you do tell them, they will accept you for who you are. It is wonderful to have parents like that. Even if they do make you take out the trash.
So good luck. I think you are a great guy, you will be able to figure out the best way to let your family know.
Zenster, I think you may have misunderstood Doob’s post, he never said he expects his parents to have low tolerance, in fact, he said the exact opposite. Doob is just making a mountain out of a mole hill in his own mind, which is understandable, we all do it at one time or another.
Doob, you already know your family will be supportive of you, and you already know the time is drawing near to come out to them, perhaps if you try reading some coming out stories online (positive ones!), or practice the conversation with a friend, it may build up your nerve a bit. Good Luck!
Psy is 100% correct. I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. I tend to do this, and when I finally get over that, I move on (In this case, coming out to them). I DO know my parents have a high tolerance, i just have to get over the mental road blocks. I’m just making a big deal out of something that probably really isn’t with my family at all. I know they’ll be supportive of me, because after all, they are my parents, and they do love me (Besides, unless they want to do all the chores, they’ll have to be nice to me :D).
Thanks Psy, good advice. I have been reading coming out stories recently, getting a guage on ways others did it. With my friends at least it did get easier as I told them. I must say, if I was as shy and insecure as I used to be, i wouldnt even be considering this at all. I have come quite a long way. But i’m a big chicken with these kinds of things, and it takes me a while. Afterall, coming out is a gradual process.
Pat: As always, you’ve made me smile! You rock, dude!
Rereading this thread, I do take issue with something here. Zenster, if you had READ what i had written you would have known my family wont go off the deep end with it. Second, i believe I’ve mentioned this before my family isn’t an “Asian” family. We are mixed race, mom is white, dad is Filipino. I understand wanting to give support and all, but it really annoys the hell out of me when people post replies without reading a damn word I said. Next time, actually read the thread and think critically about what is written. There was nothing in it that was at all unclear (you’re the only one who grossly misunderstood). You’ll save yourself from foot in mouth disease.
And besides, even if they DID have a problem, i would still tell. It’s not like I couldnt handle things on my own, or find friends to help me out.