My current boyfriend wants to come out to his parents this weekend. I will support him no matter what. I had a very accepting family which was cool (my mom used to try to fix me up with other boys) but his parents are right-wing conservatives. I don’t have any personal anectodatal advice since it was not a traumatic experience to me in any way, shape or form.
Let’s see more background information. He is 36, independant and has been for a long time, basically out everywhere else but home. He finally feels the need to tell his parents. Deep down I know they already know. I also know that they will probably make it difficult. Is there any other advice out there that may make this easier.
Personal stories welcome.
HUGS!
Sqrl
Gasoline: As an accompaniement to cereal it made a refreshing change. Glen Baxter
straight here.
My uncle came out to a similar situation. My granma acted like it was the end of the world, grandfather acted like he couldn’t care less.
You mentioned you think they already know, does he feel this way? does he want to relieve their curiosities or relieve his burden. (whew, that was hard to say without coming off a certain way)
Maybe instead of saying, ‘folks i’m gay’, maybe he could say, ‘this is the person I’ve chosen to spend my life with.’
All this science, I don’t understand. It’s just my job 5 days a week-- Rocketman
I think if I had a kid who was gay but not talking about it, I would probably bring it up eventually. If I tried not to, it would probably slip out in some stupid way, and I’d feel embarrassed. So I’d just bring it up casually, like, “Met any interesting boys/girls? Anybody you’d like to bring over for dinner?” A really timid kid would say, “Hell no I ain’t gay!” at which point I would drop the subject. But I think most kids would find it easier to discuss if they could just talk about it, rather than some huge “coming out” ceremony.
Did I get the question right? A question for straight folks about their (hypothetical) closeted kids?
Nothing I write about any person or group should be applied to a larger group.
Not an easy weekend for you and the BF, Sqrl. Best of luck. Here is about the only advice I feel I can offer.
Several of my friends in that exact circumstance (age group, reactionary parents, etc.) have come out recently. I think about the only thing they’ve had to say in common was “Ignore just about everything they say during the first hour or so.”
Whether or not your friend’s homosexuality is really a surprise to the ‘rents (and you’re probably right on this point – they always seem to know), they are going to see his honesty as a rebuke to everything they ever stood for and everything they tried to do as parents. Naturally, they’ll be angry at your friend, but they will also be angry at themselves, at God, at random high school teachers, at you, and just about everybody else.
This will likely produce tears, accusations, and a world-class rant.
Ignore it. If they really believe the hurtful things they are likely to say during that initial hour, they’ll repeat them. If not they won’t. To the extent they choose not to, it does no good to rub their hurtful statements in their faces later.
YMMV, of course. Who knows? You could get lucky in the parental understanding department. I hope so.
“You do an eclectic celebration of the dance! You do Fosse Fosse Fosse Fosse Fosse! You do Martha Graham Martha Graham Martha Graham, or Twyla Twyla Twyla, or Michael Kidde Michael Kidde Michael Kidde Michael Kidde, or Madonna Madonna Madonna Madonna… but you keep it all inside.”
The advice is as different as there are gay people wanting to come out. I grew up in an Oklahoma farm town of 1,200 people. My graduating class only had 30 people… and that was public school! You wouldn’t have to worry about coming out to your parents, if the town people knew, you’d be run out on rails. I’ve only seen ONE black person there in my whole life!
My wife coincidentally met, and has become very good friends with someone from my home town, who is a confirmed lesbian. (My wife got into a bet with her about who was from the smaller town. Imagine how shocked they both were to discover they were talking about the same town!) Anyway, I digress. The point is, long after this girl left my (her) home town, word apparantly got back that she was a lesbian. My blood curdles every time I hear my family talk about ‘that lezbo’. Just as bad, is hearing them talk about me living with all those ‘niggers’. (I live in Atlanta). My kids come up to me and ask why they say those words that they were taught not to use.
I got off the subject, but anyway my advice is to give no advice. Support your friend in whatever he decides to do. Sometimes things need time to sink in. Don’t be too touchy feely, different people react to that in strange ways. My mother was MORTIFIED that I was holding (my then) girlfriends hand in PUBLIC!!!
I wish you the best of luck. Please let us know how things turn out.
Gotta say this tho. You and your boyfriend have to do what makes you both happy. Yeah having loving parents who support your choices is a benefit, but it doesn’t always happen in life, regardless of what choices those are. My own experience has been, if you want me in your life, then you have to love the person I am. It works well for me. Hope this helps
“Only when he no longer knows what he is doing, does the painter do good
things.” --Edgar Degas
Sqrl, Wow, good luck! I agree with Manhatten(I think it was him)-ignore the first hour. This is a bomb to drop on parents and I’m sure it will be hard on them. Of course, if they already suspect it, maybe it’ll be a relief for them to know. I know you’ll be a big support for your SO!
All I can say is good luck! I’m thinking good thoughts your way!
My parents were very supportive when I came out. Most of the rest of my family is tolerant of the situation, although they NEVER bring it up in conversation. So, I have no idea about how to handle that particular situation. My only suggestion would be for him to break it to them as gently as possible. If they do already suspect (as I am certain, from personal experience, they do), then they have already done something that bears some semblance to starting to think about beginning to possibly eventually come to terms with it, which is better than nothing. However, you are both going to have to be prepared for a very heart-rending rejection. In that event, the only thing to do is for both of you to come to terms with the fact that not having them in your life is probably the best thing, if they can’t accept their own flesh and blood.
Best of luck.
Modest? You bet I’m modest! I am the queen of modesty!
You’ve got some really sensible advice above. I wish you all the best with it, I really do. I had it fairly easy: my father went straight to bed, which he always does if he’s upset by sth, and had got used to the idea after a couple of days, and my mother said she wasn’t surprised and not to catch any unpleasant diseases. They’ve been fine ever since, BUT I have lalwasy taken care not to trample on their sensibilities - no pink triangle T-shirts, no physical contact with BF when they’re in the same room, no little gay in-jokes etc - basic courtesy, in other words. But they were/are Quietists, which means they just accept everything as a necessary evil in a fallen world.
So much depends on the individuals. If he feels he has to come out to them, then he must, but if he possibly can, he shd be kind about it, even if the parents can’t be - there’s nothing to be gained, surely, by rubbing their noses in it?
Go over to their place and have dinner. During the dinner, both of you talk about how much you enjoy the interior decorating they have, but how you could spruce it up with some candles you both made together!
I’m NOT trying to get anything started here, but I want to get your opinion on something (anyone else’s opinion too, for that matter). Do you think it’s easier for a woman to come out of the closet that for a man? I only ask because it’s been my experience that homo-phobes aren’t nearly as threatened by gay women as they are by gay men.
I wish you both the best, Sqrl. My cousin tried to hide it. He even went so far as to get married to a woman who agreed to the sham marrage. He had a change of heart a month after the wedding.
Ummm…soory, I’m rambling. I guess the point is that as unpleasant as it might be, it’s usually better to suck it up and be honest.
Sqr, it’s not absolutely clear, but I’m hoping that your BF is going alone.
Anyway, back to the issue. My aunt is a lesbian. She’s been living with another woman for several years. They share the same bedroom, for pete’s sake, yet she has never officially come out to us. The consensus among the second generation is “Who cares?” But I have a feeling that were she ever to come out to her siblings, that they would be horrified. I know in my heart that my dad would die for his sister, but does he want to know that she sleeps with another woman? No.
In this case, I think Lyn should live her life however she chooses. She brings Marlene to all the family functions. We all treat them nicely. But should she “come out” to her siblings who truly would rather not know? Nah. There’s enough evidence there if they want to see it. And if they’d rather not see it, then don’t bust their bubble.
My son is four now. He loves nail polish, he wants his hair long just like mine, has dolls and loves to cook with his little kitchen. Do I think this makes him gay? No, but if he is then fine. The one thing, as a parent, I would want to hear is that my child is truly happy. If he is happy with nail polish on then fine, if he is happy playing swords fine.
“I am enough of an artist to draw freely upon my imagination. Imagination is more important than knowledge. Knowledge is limited. Imagination encircles the world.”
Well,my husband was gay,so I hung around lots of gay men(there wernt that many women at the bars). My humble opinion is let him tell his parents alone,be somewhere else in the house,in case they argue or such. They probably “know” already. Once,he does though, he’ll have a great weight off his shoulders,and you can all celebrate with some drinks,etc.
Actually,noticing that post up there;my son is 6. The other night he insisted on polishing my toenails. I mean,I told him I was gonna,and he wanted to. The weird thing is,his father once did that to me!(as foreplay!ha ha).
