That which rips apart a family.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

There are points of time when a TV show will have on it a character coming out of the closet to their parents. Every time I watch one of these, I expect to hear the line, “Not my daughter.” Or son. Sometimes it’s not there. Mostly, though, the line is a staple.

As much as TV skewers all things real, that line gets me every time. Cliche and trite… but it’s there.

I work for an email list for gay teenagers. I’ve just been informed that some random kid across the country isn’t sure if she can stay at home tonight because her parents might have found out.

I’m not suffering illusions. I know it’s hard. My own parents wanted me to go to conversion therapy. I didn’t end up going. It’s taken them 6 years- one third of my life- to be where they are now in dealing with a lesbian daughter. At twelve, they suspected I was. At fifteen, that much was obvious. Now, at eighteen, they welcome Jennifer as family while avoiding pride parades. They’re not proud that I’m gay. I imagine that they hate it bitterly. But it’s just my way, for better or worse.

Yet I’m still their daughter. For all the fights, the bad reactions, the misunderstandings- what it all came down to was me. My mother, my father, my brother. We’re family. “No matter what, you’ll always have your family.” So says my mother. It took me a long time to realize how true that is in my case.

My best friend cried on my shoulder for half a hour before telling her mother. “How could you do this?” was the response she got. Later, she told me how it was funny how people confused doing with being.

Jennifer is the oldest of six. Her youngest siblings are three and four. I always wonder if they’ll remember her after she leaves- if all they will have is fuzzy memories of the sister that disgraced the family who is never spoken of. I wonder if her father will ever come around.

Sometimes when I hold her, or when I’m with gay friends, or when I have to talk about my sexuality, I can’t help but wonder. These are the things that make us disgraces, that make us less worthy. Lying in my bed in her arms, loving her so much that my heart hurts.

These are the things that rip apart a family.

I will never understand. The random kid across the country doesn’t understand.

I hope she has a place to sleep tonight.

2

{andygirl}

{random kid}

I used to think my parents were just evil incarnate. The way they’ve been receptive to me, I want to slap myself sometimes for being such a whiny brat.

3

i don’t know what to say… i have no reference for what you’re going through. i’m sure you know all the arguments about the genreal expectations parents have for their children… People can be the most accepting of any lifestyle, but most still won’t expect to find it in their own family… i’m babbling…

::warm hugs to you and Jennifer:: :slight_smile:

4

A simul-post with my very own virtual wife. How much better can life get?

::another hug for andygirl and quietgirl and randomgirl::

5

…

You said it all, kiddo. Thanks.

6

{{{{{{{{{andygirl)))))))))

I too have no point of reference…when I was a teenager in the '70s in rural Scotland this was something Just Not Talked About. So I can only imagine. Hopefully through helpful people like you, current & future parents will be more accepting & understanding.

I have two close friends who are gay. For friend # one it took until she was in her mid-thirties until her mother finally accepted the fact that she wasn’t going to get married and start having kids. She and the woman she’s been with for eight years are welcome at the family home, but only when her father isn’t there. It’s very sad. Friend # two had parents who were wonderful about it. Her mother was head of campus security at a large university. When Deb was a teenager, her mom would let her borrow her car to go to gay bars but with strict instructions to park at least three blocks away from any such establishment in case the car was recognised. :slight_smile: So I guess she was lucky.

And {{{{{{{random kids everywhere}}}}}}} too.

7

They do not make you disgraces, and far from less worthy. Love can never denegrate the human soul. These actions may get negitive reactions that disgrace the owner of those reactions, but they are no call on you.

I’m sure you know this.

Hugs and love to all of you.

8

still boggles my mind that this how some parental units treat their children…parts of their very own selves!!

all I can say is that mini-dewt is 4.5 yrs old, he loves to put on my make-up, heels, etc…loves musicals, etc…

a thoroughly enchanting child. I am SO lucky he is part of my life.

Some moron told me to ‘watch it’, if I let him continue like this, he might turn out to be gay. :eek:

my response?

"Then I guess I’d better start practicing marching with pride"

9

I’ve got three kids (no kidding, Hama, you never freaking SHUT UP about them)…Boy, girl, boy. When the third was born, I speculated that it would be tough doing hand-me-downs for him because I had all these dresses. A friend jested, “Well, don’t turn the boy into a drag queen.” My answer: “Why not? A drag queen could DEFINITELY keep me comfortable in my old age.”

I have never…NEVER…understood how a parent could turn on a child just because he or she was gay. It boggles me. A pedophile? A murderer? A rapist? I could see looking askance at the child. But…GAY? For crying out loud.

I have friends who now, in their thirties, are just starting to reconcile with parents who gave them up to the world as hopeless deviants back when they were teenagers. If one of my kids came to me and said, “I think I’m gay,” the only answer I think I could come up with is, “So? Finish the dishes.”

10

the only thing i can understand is that they want grandkids. that’s the only thing that would bug me if i had a gay kid.

but that’s what adoption is for, isn’t it? matching up kids who don’t have parents to parents who don’t have kids? heck, my grandparents don’t even have any children… and they have grandkids. (they took in my father when he was in his early teens.)

all i can say is that if i ever do have children of my own, i hope that i’m never closed-minded enough to shut one of them out no matter what life-choices they make for themselves, as long as they’re safe, happy, and not in jail.

well, maybe not if they’re mean. :wink:

11

Hamadryad, you rock, wish you were my mom!

andygirl, I certainly know it doesn’t make anyone a disgrace to be just who they are…
reminds me of the lyrics to Whistling In The Dark by They Might Be Giants…

There’s only one thing that I know how to do well,
and I’ve often been told that you can only do what
you know how to do well,
and that’s be you,
be what your like,
be like yourself…

You get the point.

These are tough times perhaps to be of a sexual orientation other than “straight”. Breeders? I kinda like that term, it makes me laugh, and I certainly don’t mind being one. My GF is Bi, and she certainly has no problems with it, but sometimes it bothers her 'cause she gets crap from her folks. Tough I tell her, 'cause she’s not able to just changer herself, and she’s better off the way she is no matter what some ignorant paranoid homophobe jerk thinks.

Perhaps it’s hard to understand them though, the parents I mean. They grew up learning this crap, this bias homophobe, hate or fear what’s not like you kind of a thing. Adoption is available, and artificial insemination… Options, for having future generations being raised with your name and in your family.

I suppose what I’m getting at trying to say is, don’t feel so bad, they’ll pass on, and so will you eventually, but at least you can pass on to future generations wiser and more practical ideas and philosophies regarding sexuality and the social system we live in. Being straight has only been the norm for a relatively short amount of time IIR my history lessons correctly. :wink:

12

Yes, andygirl, but don’t forget the other side, parents who tell their straight kids that the parent is gay. That’s a whopper…

13

Personally, I was so scared to come out it didn’t happen until I was 21. I admire what it takes for a teenager to quit living a lie, and be who they are.

So, Andygirl, what can I do to help? What organizations are helping these kids? What do they need?

14

I have two children. I can’t imagine hardening my heart to either one of them or to the people they will someday love. I don’t think these parents realize just how much they’re damaging themselves when they turn their backs on their children. I can almost see being so afraid for your child’s well-being that you would wish with all your heart that she would be “normal” and fit into the mainstream. What I can’t understand is how these people can contribute to the ignorance and hatred that make being gay so difficult for their own children.

Andygirl, I’m glad that your friends and the teens that you help have someone like you to turn to when the people who are supposed to care for them fail so completely.

15

andygirl, I’m not sure there’s anything for me to add that hasn’t already been said by Dylan or Hamadryad or Medea’s Child, Carina42, iampunha, or the others who’ve added heartfelt and wise comments to this thread.

But as one who expects to be a parent one of these years, I can’t imagine kicking a child out of my life just because their idea of what it meant to be themselves differed from what I hoped or expected. (A gay son or daughter would be no big deal for me; I’m trying to think of what could blindside me the way having a gay child still seems to freak out some parents.) We owe our children our best attempt at unconditional love; if I had a daughter that decided at 18 to become a porn star, I’d be miserable about it, but I don’t think it would stop me from loving her.

Hugs to you, and to quietgirl, and to all the random boys and girls out there who find themselves shut out of their own parents’ houses or hearts because they were honest about who they are.

16

Boy, does this bring back memories…

  1. When my oldest sister came out. My mom tried her best to be cool with it, and definitely didn’t lose any love for her over it. But it was awkward for a bit, and my mom worried about her (until she nearly died from overlapping infections, and mom realized there were bigger things to worry over). I was completely fine with it, as I expected that if she had already BEEN a lesbian, that means that the only thing that changed between before and after me knowing was… well, nothing but a label. She was still exactly teh same person as before. Just now we’d get to meet the people she really cared about. (I recall my sister being stunned that “even though I knew what the word ‘lesbian’ meant”, I really truly did not care one bit - I was about 7.)

By contrast:
2) I brought home a friend of mine from highschool, who was living under a bush near the staduim because his parents had kicked him out of the house when he came out to them (I think his dad threatened to beat him if he ever showed his face again). He was breaking into the locker room to shower and rinse his clothes in the middle of the night. And we’re talking flaming obvious, but it was okay until he actually said the words out loud. They threw him out (at barely 17); my mom took him in (after he’d been living homeless for a month - still going to school, though, bless his heart!). Well, nothing like having someone ELSE think your kid is worth taking in, when you don’t. Kind of set them on their ears, made them wonder what they were missing. His parents took about two years to come around completely (much less for his mom, actually), and now are immensely and pathetically grateful to my mom for not letting their son fall into hell (in the figurative sense) or die. They still call her now and then to let her know how he is doing (he’s in NYC, a steadily-employed actor, even!). And he sends her the occasional Mother’s Day card.

  1. Another friend told me that his parents made him stop sharing a room with his little brother after he came out. He was deeply hurt, but managed to make lemonade from that lemon (“hey, at least I finally get my own room!”). His parents were afraid he’d ‘infect’ his brother with gayness. Even worse than recruiting, it is contagious! At least they didn’t kick him out, but living there as a second-class citizen wasn’t real fun.

Dylan, I’m with you - My son is already making us wonder. Okay, practically from birth I’ve wondered if he might end up bi (like mother, like son…) - he flirts with boys as much as with girls, among other things. He’s also always been very into decorating himself (beads, pretty shoes, loved it when my mom painted his toenails red), and mimics both gender roles pretty evenly. A few weeks ago, he insisted that he got to wear the dress-up purse, because it was a ‘boy thing’ - despite never having seen any other boy wear a purse (I asked). He just wanted it for himself, and claimed it on any basis he could manage. And don’t let him anywhere near those high-heeled slippers with the marabou feathers… you’ll never get them back! Might be straight, but heck, it wouldn’t be a big shock if he isn’t! :slight_smile: At least he’ll have some role models for harmony and acceptance (he adores his aunties, my sister and her partner of almost 20 years).

Good luck to the girl across the country. Hopefully her parents will accept her some day, if not now. Good for you for being a life-line.

17

And boy, the assumptions about incest and orientation! Kids at school would ask (once they knew my sister was a lesbian) if I knew she was ‘because she had tried anything with me’ - I think that is one of the weird fears that some parents get, that their other children will become prey. Hello, talk about lack of reality check!

I was too shy to ever give the comeback I always wanted to give… “Do you know your brother is straight because he ‘tried something with you’?”

18

Handy, it wasn’t too hard for me to accept my mom and her girlfriend, but then I was raised in a very open environment. But at least I know that if any of my brothers or sister or myself decide that is the way we want to go they will be okay with it.
It was a running joke for a while that we all had to decide at the age of 14, because that is when my moms’ girlfriend decided. She comes from a family of six girls and the oldest and the youngest are lesbians. It did take her parents a while to face it, but they love us like we were their blood related grandchildren.
And as for my kids, they call my mom grandma, and her girlfriend papa. Althought up until a year or so ago my daughter thought papa was actually a man. They deal with it. Just like I would deal with it if any of my kids made that life choice.
My moms mom still thinks that it is just a phase that she is going through, and things will change once she finds the right man. Okay guys, my grandma is 82, and catholic, so everything in her eyes will work out as it should.

Andygirl, my heart goes out to you and Jennifer. I know I will never have to be in your shoes, but I have had friends go through it and I hate to watch them die inside from the hurtfull hatefull things that are said and done by people who share the same blood line.
Let us know how things go with random girl.
{{{{{{Andygirl, Jennifer, & Randomgirl}}}}}}

19

I’d like to thank you all for your responses. They’re heartening, especially since I was in my “dark hour” mode.

Random girl is currently on the edge. They haven’t said a word to her about it… but who knows? Maybe they do, maybe they don’t. It’s agony.

The problem with gay teenagers is that they’re teenagers. There’s only so much that can be done with minors, and a lot of outreach work is done over the internet. There you get the anonymous part that you need. Besides, a lot of kids have their own computer where the parents don’t know how to turn the damn thing on, much less read email. It’s safe. Safer than making up excuses and lies, that’s for sure. The place I work for is http://www.youth-guard.org. I wish I had some grand, sweeping suggestion for making the world safer for gay kids… but the only thing I can think of is trying to make the schools better and teaching tolerance. Visibility. The same sort of thing that we’ve been saying we need for years.

I think that one of the hardest parts is honesty. The feeling that you don’t really know your kid is discerning, to say the least.

Also, to the parents who have posted- I think the best thing you can ever do for your kid is let them know that you’ll love them no matter what. Thank you all.

20

andygirl, you positively rock.

Being a teenager is hard enough. Dealing with being gay in this still-not-totally-accepting world has got to be incredibly tough.

Thank the Goddess there are young people like you, reaching out and helping your peers. The world is a better place for people like you.

(((andygirl)))