I had Chinese food for dinner last night, and no session of stuffing my face with noodles and General Tsoa’s Chicken would be complete without that great combination of dessert and prophecy, the fortune cookie.
So, I open the plastic wrapper, and break the cookie in half, eating one half before I read the mystical inscription within, as is my habit. I pulled the strip paper before my eyes, and what I saw thereon gave me quite a fright.* It seems that the heavens have something in store for me, and I’m not quite sure what it is. In fact, I’m thinking of finding a wise man who can tell me just what it means, and how I may avoid it. And what have I done that drew the anger of the celestial forces? Was my weekly “say bad things about your ancestors party”? Or perhaps my quest to find dragons and defecate upon them.
In any case, maybe someone here acn shed some light upon this strange and foreboding piece of wisdom from an East Asian Oracle. It said:
Am I the angry man? Will someone open my nouth while my eyes are closed, so I never see it coming? Will an angry man open his nouth before me, bringing doom and desolation upon me and my bloodline? What horror does this portent, and why does it come upon me?
And angry man opens his nouth and closes his eyes in bed? No, even scarrier.
*Okay, to be fair, the first thing I saw was my lucky numbers, but then I turned it over.
I’m guessing this is a corollary to that old saw about how you have two ears and one mouth, so you should listen twice as much as you speak.
When you’re angry, you stop seeing and start speaking. Something like that.
So yeah, you’re pretty much fucked.
I opened up a really creepy one a couple of years back. It read:
“Someone is watching you from afar.”
eeeeep…
psst, Beadalin, note the spelling.
The weird thing is, I know it’s not some thing where the printer got messed up and only half the ‘m’ got printed on this one, because I got another one that had the same misspelling (we had more cookies than people).
On preview:
NoLAFIN, that is incredibly creepy.
Strangest one I ever got
“Beware of a duck in a red plaid jacket” WTF…???
I got one the other day that said “Congratulations Class of 2009”. Of course this was at a graduation event…
Damn, I wish I had gotten that! That freakin duck took me for thousands of dollars! :mad:
Wait, no, now that I think of it, it was more of a Burgundy plaid jacket. Never mind.
Taped to my monitor as I type this: “You will always live in interesting times.” Thanks. :mad:
At home, I have another classic: “Tastes like chicken.”
Yeah, getting an aphorism instead of a prediction is disappointing. Like they didn’t want to commit. I got one, once, that said: “Wisdom and Beauty are seldom found in the same person.” It left me feeling vaguely insulted. Like, are you saying I’m stupid or saying I’m ugly?
Years ago, I heard that someone was marketing Jewish Mother cookies, with sayings like: “You should be wearing a sweater.” Sadly, I’ve never run across one of those.
Regallag, with this warning, you know to punch the angry man when he closes his eyes. Wait for it.
I once got one that was blank. :eek:
This is what would freak me out: “I have no nouth, yet I must scream.”
I don’t recommend anyone use that as a fortune. Harlan Ellison would probably sue.