Hey! The Fortune Cookie People Are Insulting Me!

So, my department ordered Chinese food for lunch. After a sinfully yummy meal of chicken fried rice and an egg roll, I opened up the wrapping on my fortune cookie and crack the shell of baked (are they baked) goodness to reveal the knowledge hidden within. My fortune:

(Smiles are verbatim).

First of all, I’m pretty sure Confucius never said that. I mean, I’m a little rusty on the Analects, sure, but I think I would’ve remembered that one. They could at least cite the chapter if it’s a paraphrase or something. I mean, god, didn’t they ever have to take Freshman Comp? Sheesh.

Secondly, where does the fortune cookie get off insulting me? Are you saying that I can’t satisfy my husband? Are you accusing me of being a slut? I’ve taken on better pastries than you, cookie-boy; ask the pound cake what I did to the baklava. Yeah, that was me, bitch. Respect.

Thirdly, why is the cookie smiling at me as it says this? I mean, if there were some kind of infidelity that I didn’t know about, wouldn’t a sympathetic frown be better? It seems kind of callous and cruel to find joy in the discomfort of others. Especially when you had the audacity to deliver the message embedded in my dessert. There’s got to be an Emily Post column on this somewhere.

Then, on the back, it lists my lucky Lotto numbers: 2, 4, 5, 27, 28, 36. Yeah, like I’m going to play those numbers now. It’s poor consolation for having your virtue tarnished. I mean, okay, if the numbers actually worked, then it would be pretty good consolation, but we all know it doesn’t. It’s like having the chick who picked you up at a bar leaving you with a vague feeling of being dirty and a phone number that turns out to be the number for the local Little Caesar’s.

Stupid desserts.

I will never forget the one I got couple of years ago. We ordered Roast Baby Pig. My stupid fortune cookie said “You are what you eat.”

Well, if Confucious insulted you, then gave you the winning lottery number, I’m sure you’ll find it in your heart to forgive him.
Little Caesar’s? $5 dollar pizzas. Mmmm.

Hmmm. You don’t even need to add, “in bed” to that one to make it funny.

Take not lightly the portents of the cookie.

I once opened a cookie that said:

:slight_smile: You are kind and generous :)”

It isn’t every day a cookie gives me platitudes, so I was feeling mighty good about myself. Later, I went out to run some errands and was accosted by a squat oriental fellow, hat in hand, begging for some spare change. I tossed him some coin and went on my way. On the return trip, I was accosted by another oriental fellow. He looked suspiciously like the first, but had a thin mustache and an itty bitty soul patch. He also asked for a handout. I was a little perturbed but tossed a few more duckets his way.

The next day, it was the same thing – five times similar-looking oriental fellows, all asking me for change, cigarettes, bus tickets … I was becoming rather paranoid. The following day, they approached en masse. They all had hats, and shuffled towards me like I was the mint itself. I bolted. They gave chase, but their stubby legs couldn’t keep up and I lost them in an Indian fashion store.

That was the last I saw of them, but the next time I ordered chinese, my fortune was not so sunny:

“:x Watch your back :x”

It was my first misfortune cookie.

I know. . .I play the “in bed” game, too, but here, it’s kind of implied. At least, I hope it’s implied. . .what if it’s on the futon? Or ::melodramatic gasp:: in the car?

On preview, saw Mindfield’s comment…

Ah-hah! That’s it! I must’ve been looking funny at the delivery boy. This is his polite way of turning me down. Though, really, what kind of coward turns down a girl with a cookie? I mean, if you’re going to turn a girl down, it should involve chocolate of some kind.

A girl with a cookie? Say, that reminds me of a joke!

A little girl comes up to me, with a chocolate chip cookie in hand. She looks up at me and accidentally drops it. So I bend over and pick it up and hand it back to her. I look at it and say “Aw, there’s hair on your cookie.” She says “yeah, and I’m only 9 years old!”

um…hello…is this thing on?

You will take a short sea voyage.

Best fortune I have ever seen was one a friend got when we were at a local chinese buffet. He pulled the fortune out and looked at it quizically, it read:

“your life will end soon”

That just seemed a tad ominous for a fortune cookie, then I noticed that it had been folded in half in the cookie, the top half read:

“All the troubles in”

A few weeks after beginning a four-year apprenticeship at work, I ran out for Chinese for our department. I’ve had my fortune from that day taped to my toolbox ever since: “Your success will astonish everyone.”

Huh. Isn’t that rather a back-handed sorta thing to say? Good news is that you’ll make it, but everyone expects you to fail, whee! :dubious:

Lovely! All I get are weird platitudes such as Success comes from helping others.
I’m waiting (waiting!) for one that says You have a fat ass, or I peed in your rice.

My sister got one once that said, and I’m not joking, “You like Chinese food.” She’s got a picture of it somewhere.

I got one that just said “It tastes sweet.” I was like “WTF, it’s a cookie, of course it tastes sweet. Stupid fortune.”

I’ve also been insulted by a fortune cookie before, but I can’t remember how. I was really offended by that cookie, though.


I got one recently (on May 27, 2006, to be exact) that says “Your goal will be met in two months”.

Ex-cellent. At last, my goal is within sight! Soon all my plans will come to pass! Mwa-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!
Now if I only knew what my goal is.

I once got a cookie that told me, “The fortune you seek is in another cookie.”

Another time, at the same restaurant, I got the pithy message, “Fortune not found. Abort, retry, fail?”

I just wanted to note that this is a factual fortune. If the lovers are in a triangle, they are not on a square.

Confucius also say: Lost item found in last place searched.

:)“You are the world’s greatest man.” :slight_smile:

I am NOT joking. The damn thing actually said this.
Since reinforcment is always welcome, after I showed it to everyone as irrefutable proof, I folded it neatly and put it in my wallet, where it resides to this day ready to instantly deal with any Doubting Thomases. (Thomaii?)

Can people really be insulted by a piece of paper in a biscuit ?

It’s even more insulting if you do the “in bed” thing. :smiley:

Send me your address and we’ll find out in about a week.

You are the product of an affair between Bill O’reilly and Ann Coulter.

<evil chuckle>

How could you insult me, if you do not know me ?