A tale of self pity & woe

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Hi. I’ve made no secret of my pathological fear of attractive, unattached women. This is a problem because I am attracted to women and not men. Were I homo- or bi-sexual, this problem would be amelieorated to at least some extent, if not completely; but, I’m not, so it isn’t.

This has been vexing me for the last few days—well, it’s been vexing me since puberty, but it has been on my mind for the last few days—because this past Saturday I went to have a gyro & a Guinness, or two, at a bar not too far from here. It’s a bit of a hike from where I actually live, but as I told my sister that I’d get her mail, and since I needed an excuse to get out of the house, I came to town.

So I go to the bar and as I walk in I see the waitresses standing there chatting. One turns and stares at me. I say hi, and she does so as well. I walk by and take a seat. The other waitress takes my order: A gyro & a Guinness.

The waitress who I noticed on the way in is, for all intents & purposes, beautiful. Indeed, that’s how I would describe her looks if someone said, “Is she good looking?” She keeps walking back and forth past me as she goes about her duties, maybe giving a Mona Lisa smile now and again, or maybe I’m nuts.

After a while she stops and asks what I’m reading and I tell her. And we chat for a minute or two. This happens a few times. Then I have an epiphany: I recognize her, and I think I know from where. So I ask her if she was in a class my sister taught at the college? Yep. Now she remembers why she recognizes me: I proctered an exam for sis a while back.

She’s a math major—very sexy—having studied it for three years at university and is taking business to be more versatile. She’ll finish her degree in math after getting her B.S. in business this July. We chat some more as she goes back and forth, and after a few Guinness and a few hours of reading, I head to my sisters house to get her mail (and end up watching Harry Potter on television).

I can’t stop thinking about her. Yesterday I go to the same bar to have a gyro, 'cos I really like gyros, and she’s working again. I had hoped as much, she said she works most days. She recognizes me and invites me to sit where she & the cook are killing time. She sits with me a couple times and stops to chat now and again as well.

I want to ask her out, but I can’t. I freeze up completely. It used to be that I wouldn’t even be able to talk to her, so I guess I’ve loosened up a little over the years; but, I’m still unable to go beyond chit-chatting. I’ve always had this problem. You could probably count on one hand the number of women I’ve actually asked out (they pretty much all said no). What success I have had, which has not been very much, was not the result of any conscious effort on my part. When the frat was paired up w/ a sorority, we might have a party, planned or otherwise, with the same group of women every weekend—hence, one didn’t need a “date” to see the same person and get to know her. One time a party across the street was broken up and as I walked home, a girl I had seen around campus just followed me upstairs and into my bedroom. Another asked me out and took me to bed because, she said, I had looked in her eyes instead of at her chest.

So that’s where I’m at. I’m smitten by this girl. But I’ll never be able to do anything about it. I’ve been in this situation so many times and I can never generate the wherewithall to even ask for a date. It is so frusterating to be paralyzed like that. It really is like a nightmare, when you are scared shitless and can’t run, except that I’m scared shitless and can’t talk. (I can’t even dream about women because I get so frightened I wake up. Monsters don’t bother me.) It makes me wish that a jet engine would drop off an air-liner and land on me.

I’m not asking for advice because, let’s be honest, I’m not going to take it. (Unless it’s “get roaring drunk,” in which case I might end up following it.) Nothing is going to change. It sucks.

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.

2

You’re a guy, right? (I always thought you were, but your first paragraph really confused me.)

And I know you didn’t ask for advice – how about an idea? Can you get your sister to help you out? Your sister could go to the bar with you, and after a good conversation between all of you, your sister could casually invite the woman for dinner sometime. Of course, you would be at the dinner too. It wouldn’t be a “real date”, but it would be a start.

3

Og, I’m so glad I’m not a guy. I get to hang out and wait for “him” to ask me out – which, BTW, it sounds like your waitress friend is waiting for.

Unsolicited advice: swing by towards the end of her shift and see if she wants to go out for coffee after work.

4

My sympathies. I have similar problems; when I’m attracted to a woman I suddenly have nothing to say. It bites.

However, since it’s easy to give advice from afar, how about writing your phone number down on a piece of paper (or a business card, if you have one) and just handing it to her? Requires no conversational skills. Might be terrifying, might be awkward, but it should be fairly clear. Might help to get roaring drunk beforehand, but I can’t really say for sure.

Best of luck!

5

I know you’ve said you’re not going to take advice, but I’ll offer some anyway:

Ask this girl out.

Just say “would you like to go out some time?” or “would you like to have dinner with me?” It doesn’t have to be smooth. It doesn’t have to be natural. Just say them. She’ll be charmed by any nervousness, and flattered that you asked. She may say no. But…she may say yes.

Just asking will be an accomplishment of bravery that you can look back on when you’re old and know that you lived your life and took chances and went after what you wanted. If you don’t ask, it’ll just be another in a million “maybe she liked me, but I’ll never know”.

Make yourself do it. You’ll be glad you did.

6

Despite you not asking for advice or following, I still say that you have to remind yourself that it really is worse not having asked, than to have asked and to be rejected. I dare to say so since I’ve often enough been rejected, and subsequently hated that stupid saying. They’re two different kinds of hurt, but the latter at least has something concrete instead of a vague longing, and doesn’t involve mentally hitting yourself over the head for lack of courage.

Furthermore asking is the easiest thing there is: it is entirely riskless. If she doesn’t like you, nothing you say will change her mind so it doesn’t matter what you say. If she does like you, she will accept an offer (or at least let you down gently) no matter what you say, too. So you don’t need to worry what to say, just say something.

I know what I said in the last paragraph is incorrect, but that’s the lie I tell myself to muster courage. :stuck_out_tongue:

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. And remember, if you don’t ask her, you deprive her of a chance to get to know you better, which would be really selfish of you. You’re doing her a favor by asking, nay, even stronger: it is morally incumbent upon you to ask her.

7

That is a difficult situation. I’ve bolted under similar circumstances, and though I think the turmoil of wondering what might have been outweighs the turmoil of feeling petrified, it doesn’t ever really feel like it to me at the time. I feel for you. Having said that, I do like Sengkelat’s suggestion. Having a card handy when your tongue isn’t might help. Whatever you decide, I hope things work out for you.

8

dude. ask her out. no pain, no gain. you can do it!

9

I always thought it was odd to ask a waitress out for coffee. I am reminded, however, of a time my friend asked a waitress out for coffee, and she agreed, but they realized that the only restaurant that was still open was the one they were at…

Anyway, good luck JS.

10

Alright, I’ll be a bit more practical with the unsolicited advice. What part of rural Michigan do you live in, js? It might happen that if by the middle of June you haven’t asked her out, I’ll come by and kick you in the ass. :wink: That, or take you to her place of work and be the obnoxious friend who asks her to go out with you and won’t take “no” for an answer.

11

Lots of men have the same fears you describe. That would include me, but as others have said if you don’t try it won’t happen. You realize that even if you ask and she declines you still have the satisfaction that you overcame a personal fear. To me that’s important. Do it tomorrow :slight_smile: Good Luck

12

Always remember that you are way more ridiculous to yourself and your friends than to perfect strangers.

At the very least, she’ll be flattered… and keep in mind that all of us are usually too nervous to ask out a truly beautiful woman, which means she gets asked out a lot less than you think.

Besides, win or lose, we’ll be here to cyber-pat you on the back when you pull your socks up and ask :slight_smile:

13

js (hope you don’t mind the informality), what’s the worst that could happen? If she turns you down, how are you worse off than you are now?

BTW, if she does turn you down, listen carefully to what she says and how she says it. Sometimes people really do have prior commitments, regardless of how much they might want to accept an invitation. And you already know that this girl enjoys chatting with you.

14

IANAGuy and really am glad I’ve never had to do the asking. I’m sure I would be just like you and would never have had a date in my life. Ok, that’s not very encouraging, sorry. It does sound like she’s interested in you, though. I can’t imagine she would have asked you to sit in the “help” only section otherwise. That meant she knew where you were, could stop by anytime and you weren’t available to the other patrons in the bar. If you proctored an exam, and your sister is a professor, she probably sees you as being “someone” and is probably thinking “there’s no way this guy is interested in me.” Quite seriously, she probably thinks you’re out of her league, but is putting the feelers out just in case. Of course I’m inferring a lot from a little info you gave, but it wouldn’t surprise me in the least.
Is there a local event or movie you could start talking about? If she starts saying things about being interested in it and you don’t hear anything about her going with someone else, that would be a really good sign. Would you be comfortable then easing into saying something about thinking about going on a certain day? And if she still sounds interested, maybe say, well it’d be great to see you there or something like that. In other words, ease into a situation where you’d end up meeting up with her, but it’s not a real “I’m asking you out on a date” thing.
See, I’d really suck at being a guy. But I would definitely go back to that restaurant. Who knows, maybe she’ll end up asking YOU out!

15

Yeah, I’m terrified - they attack in mobs whenever I go outside, and I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before I get torn to pieces :cool:

Seriously, go for it. I’m not saying it’ll work - it probably won’t - but you have to try, she certainly likes you, so it’s just a matter of ‘as friend’ or ‘as beefcake’. Why not invite her - and the chef as well, even - to something getting to know her a bit better. Then you have something to build on when you ask her out. You’re already chatting to her, so you can probably work in something without asking out of the blue.

16

NO woman will go out with you if you don’t ask.

Let’s say you have a 10% chance of getting one to go out with you. You have to ignore that you were turned down 9 times before that one date happened, but that 1 date makes the whole situation worth it. I’ll also bet that you’ll do better than 1 in 10 of getting the date.

You have to look past the fear of rejection to the joy of acceptance.

As much traffic as there’s been about pickup lines, the best one is always the honest one, not the cutesy/trite/“I’m trying to be cool” ones. Like posted before, try to catch her at the end of her shift, and say something to the effect of: " Look, I’m nervous doing this, but I’m attracted to you. Would you like to get a … <cup of coffee, a Coke, a sandwich, etc.>?"

17

I have the same problem.

18

Can a person actually die from embarassment? I get the impression this is no idle threat.

Well, if Lisa (from bjj) wants to work on throws tomorrow, that’ll put me in town on a Saturday afternoon, and probably I’ll be in the mood for a few Guinness if not a gyro. Maybe I could play Drugstore Cowboy and get a Fistful Of Xanax.
Never put a hat on a bed.

19

Leave her a note!
Seriously, I think a little written missive to the effect that you become a sniveling lip-locked wienie when you met a beautiful smart woman and would she please call 555-1234 if you can take her out to dinner might be effective.
Being of the female persuasion and all, I would have been highly flattered.

20

you’re really over-agonizing the whole prospect here, js.

you don’t HAVE to ask her out, you know.

you just need to keep talking (intelligently) to her.

discuss movies. ask what she’s seen already, particularly if you haven’t seen it. tell her about something you’ve seen that she hasn’t gotten to yet. sooner or later, you’re bound to run into something that neither of you have seen. if you’ve managed to map out similar tastes in viewing entertainment, just maybe it will strike someone as a nifty idea to go see this unknown element. together.

and if taste in movies proves incompatible, substitute restaurants. or music. or books…

hopefully, you get the idea.