I'm asking someone out for the first time tommorrow. I have no idea what I'm doing

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Advice, a good shaking, and a strong slap to the face is desperatly needed here. If you don’t feel like reading much, scroll down to the bottom of this here post. Any input is welcome at this point.

First, some quick background. For the past few years I’ve been alone, yet reasonably content. I’m an introvert, and have averaged at about two friends a year. I get lonely sometimes, and wish I had more friends, but I’ve never had too big of a problem spending my days watching movies, reading books, playing games and excercising occasionaly. It’s not what I’d call high living, but it’s not devastating either. My social skills are garbage. I stutter, forget words I was going to use to finish my sentences and have a hard time maintaining a conversation all the time. If somebody doesn’t have the same interests as me, there’s not much to say. None of this stops me from being the first to present my school project in front of a classroom, or at least trying to meet people, but it is a problem all the same.

I work in the deli department of a grocery store. About a week before Thanksgiving, there’s been a girl that works in the bakery department I haven’t been able to get out of my mind. I don’t get it. She’s cute as hell, but I don’t even know her. We’ve made small talk here and there, but that’s about it. The only reason I can come up with for my being so attracted to her is that she appears to be an introvert as well. She often works by herself, and seems to enjoy it. In my lifetime, I have met few women, even fewer that are introverts, even fewer that are female introverts my age, and almost none that are female introverts my age that aren’t going steady. It seems to me, people that keep to themselves have a better taste in entertainment (provided they’re interested in entertainment anyhow), and have given themselves more time to think about ideas, arguements, and beliefs. I really love talking about these kinda things, and getting into conversations with someone as open minded as me. Bonus points if they’re creative and can wrap up their philosophies in humorous jokes. So of course this board draws me like a moth to a bug zapper.

Of course I really can’t say she’s introverted for sure, or even that she’s single. I even drove half an hour away to talk to her old manager to ask if he knew anything about this chick. He did not.

I can’t shake this woman out of my head, and this has never happened before. I decided I’d ask her out on Thanksgiving, but decided to wait untill after finals. I also decided to go on atkins and I’d be more presentable. Somehow, I managed to lose 20 pounds in two weeks, and this was while eating some pretty big meals. The final day for finals is Tuesday, but there’s a Christmas show playing in the park on Saturday and Sunday. I was thinking I should ask her out for dinner and a movie, but it would be nice of having the option of dinner and music in the park. I’m not sure which option to take.

And dinner is another thing. My eating habits are atrocious, so I’m hoping I can steer us in the direction of Tai Ho, a rather nice Japanese steak and sushi resteraunt. Eating with chopsticks is fun, and usually neat in my case. Of course, the decision, should she accept my offer, is hers.

Crap. I’m getting the jitters. This post is getting really long eh?

I’ve tried approaching her on break to get to knowher more, but it seems like she always does a NINJA VANISH! when it’s lunchtime. I never see her in any breakrooms, or hanging outside at the front of the store.

Asking her out is inevitable. I’m going to drive myself nuts if I don’t, and whenever I start doubting myself, I keep saying to myself these two things I picked up on the SDMB:

The idea that asking this girl out would be a win-win situation regardless of her answer. Even if she says no, I got it out of my system and she’s bound to be a little flattered. Can’t remember who said this.

So my plan for tommorrow is to lie in bed for half an hour, raise my moral, and ask her out…assuming she actually works tommorrow…and assuming I don’t get called in. I’m not sure how to do this. I’m not looking forward to asking her out in front of her co-workers, but it’s christmas time, and several people are in the bakery making cookies. Otherwise I could probably arrange asking her out while she was by herself. I don’t think either of us would feel comfortable if she was asked out while cornered.

The only pick up line I can think of using is: I’d like to ask you out on a date.

Said with a smile of course.

I can’t think of anything more creative than that.

Despite the akwardness, I have a few things going for me at the moment:

[ul]
[li]I’m my store’s Employee of the month[/li][li]I have read the first 160 pages of Men Are From Mars Woman are from Venus in the last three days[/li][li]I aint lookin’ too bad right about now[/li][/ul]
Should she accept, my greatest fear would be that I have to drag her through conversation.
“So…what are your hobbies”
“Hanging out with friends”
“Oh. Well ,what to you like to do”
“I don’t know, just hang out I guess”
“Ok. Well, do you like watching movies?”
“Not really”
“Do you read”
“Naah. If a good book is written, they’ll just make it into a movie sooner or later”
“Uh huh. What kind of career do you plan on pursuing?”
“I don’t know”

I really hope whatever date I might have doesn’t resort to that. It’s the conversation equivalent of a toddler dropping his legs so his parents must drag him by his arms as his knees drag along the ground.

So I guess what I’m asking for is advice for dating and asking a member of the opposite sex out on a date :slight_smile: .

You may now slap the OP, shake him, and scream “PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER MAN”.

2

It’s just a date. If you have to drag her through conversation, you’ll at least find that out within the first 20 minutes and you’ll know that she’s not really what you’re looking for, and then you’ll be able to move on.

As for the rest, I don’t really know. I’ve only ever gone on two first dates in my life, and thankfully those went well. I’ve never asked anyone out in my life.

All I have to say really is good luck! and don’t wuss out <insert winky smiley here>

3

Man, reading that made me uncomfortable. Mostly because I see a hell of a lot of myself in it, especially some of the (no offense) obsessiveness. I mean, I could see myself spying on a prospective date myself but driving thirty miles to interrogate a former boss? And then to admit it to all of us? That takes balls.

Good luck either way. I’ve only asked out about six girls (all but one said no) in my life and don’t think I’ll be finding number seven anytime soon… at least one of us should be happy.

Now I feel all wistful. Damn you.

4

No offense taken.

I’m not sure if driving half an hour away to speak to her old manager was obsessive. Sounded like a capital idea at the time. Paranoia plays a part. The way I saw it, wether or not she says yes, the entire store is going to know I asked somebody out. The word will spread, and if the answer is “No, I’m already going out with someone, but thanks”, I’d rather know ahead of time avoid causing any gossip. Esspecialy since I suspect one of my co-workers would be the type to try and hook me up with several different people as soon as she found out I took an interest in someone. My being a single 18 year old is facinating to her, and she asks why I don’t go out all the time. Thing is, I don’t want to date anyone. there’s plenty of cute chicks in Florida. I want to go steady with someone who has the same interests and a similiar personality as me. So I was mostly trying to act inconspicuous. Of course I can’t prove things would play out that way, I just suspect they might. Like I said, paranoia played a part.

5

I think you sound - well, nice.

My only suggestion is that you think up specific things that you like to talk about - specific books, movies, whatever - and mention several of them in passing until you hit on something that interests her.

My experience with shy introverts (I’m one myself) is that there are subjects that they can and want to talk about, but they don’t know anyone who is also interested. Maybe Cute Girl is a big fan of some game that you also play, or really hated some movie you also saw.

As far as asking her out, you might consider making a specific suggestion rather than asking her on “a date”. “Would you like to go to the Christmas show with me on Saturday?” is better than “I want to ask you on a date”. Then if she says yes, you say “How about dinner before - do you like Japanese food?”

Don’t build this up too much. The main purpose of a first date is to have fun and enjoy the company of a new person. It doesn’t have to be a make-or-break proposition.

But by all means ask her out! If you come across in real life in anything like the way you do in your OP, you’re in like Flynn.

Regards,
Shodan

6

First – we are all totally rooting for you!

Second – what [b[Shodan** said about something specific is good, but you might want to come up with something that isn’t a one-shot to leave her a little negotiating room. For instance, if you say, “Do you want to see the only performance in human history of Event X on Saturday night?” and she says “No, sorry, I can’t,” you’re left wondering, “Does that mean Saturday night is bad, or does that mean she hates me?” OTOH, if you say, “Let’s go see Movie Y on Saturday,” if Saturday night is bad, she can say “Bummer, Saturday doesn’t work for me – maybe we could go Sunday.” (Sorry, on rereading your OP I see there are two nights for the Christmas show – you might want to go for that, since you’d have your two choices right there.)

Third – try to arrange to talk to her when there isn’t an audience – not just to avoid gossip, but for your comfort and for hers. She would probably feel a lot more put on the spot if her coworkers were listening, poised to start teasing her the minute you walk away.

And remember, whoever it was who said it was a “win-win” situation is right. Words of wisdom, indeed.

Good luck! Let us know what happens!

7

Couple of things that I have found.

Dinner dates are hard for first time dates. Doing something works better. Playing pool is fun, an unusual outdoor walk is nice if you know somewhere novel, if you can rent bikes a bike ride is good. Then you can buy sushi and make a thermos of iced green tea to take along. Use your imagination because she’ll be more comfortable too if she’s not sitting making conversation at a table.

Don’t put the onus on her to decide what you will do. Choose an activity you would be happy to do on your own - like do the walk around Lake Deaddog and have a picnic lunch. Then just tell her what you are doing and ask her if she wants to join you. Most people get really uncomfortable with the old "whatever you want to do.

8

I’ll second don’t ask’s advice. You’re better off doing something than just sitting at a table. Picnics are good. Bowling Alleys and arcades can be fun. Even if you’re lousy at something, it can work. Just have a sense of humor about it. Doing something just opens up more opportunities for conversation.

9

Good luck, man. :slight_smile:
I can relate to your nervousness and social awkwardness, but being a girl at least there isn’t really that much pressure on me to be the initiator in the dating scene. It takes a lot of courage to ask someone out and I think you should be proud of yourself for making the attempt no matter how it turns out!

10

I wanted to wish you luck as well, Joe.

I agree with asking her to do something very specific, activity and time.

I personally don’t like movies. You can’t really get to know each other during this activity.

I read in another post. You’re to ask the girl 3 different times to do 3 difference specific things. Only if she says no to all 3, then you’re to understand she doesn’t want a date.

Even then, her schedule could be busy due to holidays, and I think at that point, if she wants to go out with you, she’d ask you later herself.

11

Good luck!

As a fellow introvert who gets horribly nervous around girls I like, I wholeheartedly agree that this is a win-win situation for you. Either you go out on a date, or you get turned down and move on. Sometimes we make mistakes; we might do something inappropriate that scares off the girl or bothers her. Even if it doesn’t go well, you can learn from it. I am a lot more mature now than I was a few years ago, mainly because I learned from mistakes I made in the past. So no matter what, it will be a constructive, learning experience for you.

You said you lost a bunch of weight…I don’t know what you look like, or what you previously looked like. Depending on the person, losing weight can help or hinder their appearance, but I’ll be optimistic and figure that losing 20 lbs (assuming that its not making you ill) has probably helped you appearance-wise. Maybe pick some clothes that reflect how much better you look with that weight off.

Aside from that, be confident. Try to have the attitude that you’re prepared to accept anything that comes your way. Try not to be clingy or overly romantic (I know its hard, as a guy who has been single for a long time I get really excited when I am around a girl who kinda likes me and it is easy to scare em off unfortunately).

12

All right, I just gave myself time to digest all of the advice given.

Yeah, it would be pretty apparent I wouldn’t get along with someone who couldn’t try and help maintain a conversation, but it would still make for a bogus night out. And don’t worry, I can’t be this nuts and not ask her out.

[Agent Smith] It is Inevitable [/Agent Smith].

Thanks .
The bit about being specific is some solid advice.I’m trying to keep a cool head about this, but the thought of the co-workers surrounding her is making me uneasy. Also, who’s Flynn?

How about if she declines my offer, and I ask “How 'bout some other time then?”. Does that give her no room for discreetly saying “no”, or is that a legit question to ask after my initial offer?

The audience thing…I really don’t know how to approach her without her co-workers listening in. Reinforcements have been called into the bakery department to make Christmas cakes and cookies, so the it’s about as crowded as yopur average kitchen in a fast food place. Unless everyone but said girl is preoccupied, there’s going to be very little breathing room for both of us. Any ideas on how to get past this?

Also, the Chritmas show in the park is for two days, but I have to work all day tommorrow. Today will be my only chance to check it out.

Therein lies the curse of Brevard. Unless you have money, there’s very little to do. There are a place or two for pool and bowling, but niether interests me. Nor does arcades for that matter since I have a fine selection of games at home.

The park where the Christmas show takes place is called Cocoa Village, and contains all the art, music, and culture of whatever my county has to offer. It’s full of clothing stores, cafes, art stores, a theater, art gallerys, toy stores, a bookstore, and all kinds of other great places. Beatifull place. I wish I could live there. There’s a real classy looking, fairly new, resteraunt there that has some pretty reasonable prices. The chefs look professional and don their large white hats, and the everything in the kitchen (which you can see walking in) in bright and clean. Perhaps this place would serve small enough portions so that we won’t be stuck eating for longer than an hour? I can’t imagine a place this nice looking and cheap actually giving you vast amounts of great food. Plus, it has a fine view

Afterwards we could stroll out, and take a friendly walk around the village, and listen to music. How’s that sound?

Thanks Rav :slight_smile: .

It probably would be wise to scrap the movie idea. Unless we get to talking and both express our love for The Incredibles, or something like that happens, sitting in the darkness for an hour and a half with someone you want to know does sound pretty silly. Dinner isn’t too active either, but I don’t have very many appealing alternatives.

I’m not up for asking someone out three times. At least not if the person doesn’t express some interest in me after the first time. Otherwise, three times sounds desperate.

So the exact line I should use: How’d you like to have dinner and listen to music in the Cocoa Village?

13

I have nothing, except:

Be confident–you most certainly are worth dating–and GOOD LUCK!

14

It’s a saying to say that, “you’ve got it covered”.

Another variant: You’re in there like swimwear.

15

I also wanted to say, that I too rationalize like the OP. I myself am 0 for 3. Probably due to my lack of confidence, as well as the irrational rationalization that goes on my head each and every time. My thinking process is, who what where, and when. As well as what if, then if, and if not, do… At a very fast and stressful pace.

I gotta ask, do non-introverts rationalize asking others of the opposite sex as illustrated in this thread to the point of complete craziness?

16

Do you have mini-golf out there? That’s always a good get-to-know-you activity and allows for some fun playfulness. Just don’t be so determined to win that you’ll get uncomfortably competitive :wink:

17

[QUOTE=JoeSki]

[list]
[li]I’m my store’s Employee of the month[/li][li]I have read the first 160 pages of Men Are From Mars Woman are from Venus in the last three days[/li][/QUOTE]

1.) dont mention these!
2.) Those who never try are doomed to fail!

Regallag the Axe

18

Damn. She doesn’t work today, and I probably won’t have another opportunity to ask her out for another 4 days. I also pissed off one of the deli managers. Apparently, three people called in sick, and they needed people. So she tried to guilt trip me into coming in. I have no problem getting called in, but the way they do it at my job absolutely pisses me off. It’s as though they keep tabs on employees, and you’d swear the you’re required to get called in early, or on your day off, at least once a week. If you say no once, they will hound you for the rest of the week. They’ll call you in the morning, the afternoon, and on your days off. And they will keep calling untill you say yes. I said no to coming in yesterday, and I was willing to bank money on them trying to reel me in today. I even told my mom not to pick up the phone. Sure enough, at 10:00, we get messages on the answering machine.

I imagine they do need me, but I’ve been under a lot of stress lately and need my time off. Finals are here, and I’m trying to stay afloat damnit! Don’t like it? Then hire more people, and don’t just give anyone a job who says they’d love working at a grocery store deli more than any other place in the world. After I got my job, the manager made it clear to me that she didn’t hire people unless they wanted to work in the deli more than they did the other departments. How much honesty can you expect from your employees if they can’t even get a job unless they express they’re undying love and passion for sandwhich meat and pissy customers first? It’s not like this only happens once in a blue moon, people call in sick all the time, and in great numbers. The problem is not on my end.

That’s it. I need to blow off some steam. I’m going to jump in my GMC Jimmy, turn it to the rock station, pump the volume up to 11, and ride to my friends house and kick covenant ass in Halo 2 :mad: .

19

The restraining order says “no-no”, but her eyes say “yes yes”.

Not really…for the simple reason that we don’t let our entire happiness ride on the outcome of asking one particular girl out. Basically what happens is that guys who are shy get fixated on some girl they like or who they perceive like them. This may be based on some girl simply saying “hi” to them in passing. They obsess and agonize for weeks or months, waiting for the “right time” while the object of their affection barely notices them. Often, they build up this girl in their mind so much that not only can she never live up to the expectations, but they end up psyching themselves out of ever asking her out.

Basically if you see a girl you like, strike up a conversation with her. If it seems like it’s going well, ask her if she wants to go out for dinner or drinks or something. If it doesn’t work out, move on.

20

Well, the way I was thinking it, would be more like this:
“Would you like to have dinner at Chili’s with me Friday around 7? After dinner I’d like to go to Cocoa Village and listen to some music”.

See, this way, you got her to answer a real specific invitation.

She could say, “Sorry, I can’t go out on Friday, I have plans”. That could mean she has real plans or just an excuse.

She could say, “Sorry, I can’t go out on Friday. I don’t like Chili’s very much”. OK, so that means she was really thinking about going but wants to change the dinner location.

Or, she could say, “Oh, what kind of music?”

If you word it that way, she has a real specific activity and time to accept or reject. I would carefully listen to what she says following and make next move from there.

You should ask a girl out more than one time. I’ve said, “no” before because I was caught off guard (and it was the same exact situation, I was in back room of grocery store and I was nervous that other people would hear and talk about us). I waited at least 6 weeks for him to ask me out again, and it took me that long to get up the courage to ask him out for lunch.

Another idea, you could ask her to go Christmas shopping at the mall with you on a certain day. What girl would say no to that? Should be easy to make conversation then too. While you’re shoping, buy a toy and donate it. It’s a blast shopping for toys.