Today, I had to deal with my yearly bra buying ordeal.
First off, who decided that it made sense to make a little fabric cup with a somewhat sharp wire inside, designed for holding about 5 lbs of flesh? Who also decided that the only thing which should hold that somewhat sharp wire inside that small swatch of fabric, should be a thin piece of felt? Wire wins out over felt every time.
Anyway, bras are expensive. Very expensive. If I had boobs like my two sisters, I could get away with a $10 sports bra. But, alas, I do not. One cup of my bra could double as a hat for Andre the Giant. So, I typically only buy as many bras as I actually can’t live without. This translates into…two. One for wearing, one for washing.
Well, since I started my new job, this translates into…two. One for work and one for everywhere else. The reason for this being that anything which spends more than 5 seconds in my place of employment ends up smelling like burning rubber.
Well, it wasn’t actually quite time to buy new bras. I should have had a couple more months in mine. Apparently, Frederick’s of Hollywood believes otherwise. Their bras are manufactured with an automatic one year self destruct requirement. Despite knowing this, I always bought my bras there because they were the one company which sold larger size bras that didn’t come totally covered with lace (itchy) and which didn’t look like my great grandmother’s underpants. So, I dealt with the yearly annoyance of buying new bras.
Then, I moved to Hicksville NY. For those of you not acquainted with Hicksville, it’s more common name is Plattsburgh. We do not have a Frederick’s of Hollywood here. We don’t have many things here. We do have a Wal-Mart though. We’re not total savages here. Actually, even the stores we do have are typically the smallest possible design for each chain. This of course, means that they don’t carry the same stock most other stores in the same chain would carry. It is not uncommon for people to go to Vermont or Canada just to find some necessary item which does not exist in Clinton County. So, one of those things which Hicksville is lacking (besides dental hygiene) is a Frederick’s.
Anyway, enough of that crap. On to the boob talk…
Two nights ago, my regular work bra (the rubber smelling one) decided to expel one of its under wires. It was quite uncomfortable. I didn’t really want to go bra buying though so, I decided to make due with one bra.
Well, last night, my spare bra snapped one under wire. That was even more uncomfortable.
So, both my bras bit the dust in the same week. I didn’t have much choice. It was time to go shopping.
Unfortunately (and as I’m sure you’ve figured by now), I have big boobs and not many places sell my size. Wal-Mart believes that women who wear anything larger than 36D must go braless. Sears and JC Penny only had one or two styles in my size and those had scalloped lace edging under the wire. Who in their right mind would think that someone with big droopy boobs would want crinkly lace under their heaving mammaries? in addition to that, they were damn fugly. Granted, I do not have a boyfriend and not many people see my bras. But, I’m still a self-respecting 28 year old female and I like to have pretty bras and panties. After all, the rest of my clothes are covered with hydraulic fluid, dirt, and melted rubber. At least my undergarments can be feminine.
So, I went to Victoria’s Secret. Last time I went there (in MA), they literally laughed at me and sent me to Frederick’s. Well, apparently they decided they were losing too much busty business to the trampy store because they now offer large sizes in almost every style. Well, they also have non-removable padding in almost every style. Now, I ask you, why the heck would they put non-removable padding in an F-cup bra? I don’t need any more padding. I need lifting, to get my nipples out of my bellybutton. I need separation to help ease the sweat rash in my canyon*. I do NOT need padding. Well, anyway, I did find two bras that are supremely comfortable and fit, and didn’t have any padding to speak of. They were also a bargain at $43 each (gasp!!!). I just spent almost $100 on TWO FRIGGEN BRAS!!! Anyway, my boobs are lifted and almost unnaturally separated. I feel like I’m 10 again, with nice perky boobs (I remember those happy days. Training bra one day, C-cup the next). However, I fear coming home from a long night at work and taking the bra off. Once gravity gets a chance to take over, my mounds are gonna hurt like hell.
*No I don’t really have a sweat rash. Yet. Once summer hits and the factory reaches about 120°, then I’ll have a sweat rash. Probably in EVERY canyon!
