You’re sitting alone in a cafe on a lazy afternoon. You have nothing to do till the next day and were planning on whiling away the next hour or two reading your favorite novel. Aside from the person manning the counter, there is only one other person in the cafe, sitting at a table not far from you. The other diner gets a phone call, takes it. You hear him or her say “What? Oh, no. Please, no. Please say that’s not true.” When the person hangs up he or she bursts into tears.
Do you offer comfort? Why or why not? (And please note your gender and approximate age in your response).
(Personally, I’d rather people ignore me if I’m emotional in public till I can pull myself together. If someone comes up and makes a big deal of me, that makes it worse. For me. I know it’s the opposite for others.)
I’d sit tight, and if the other person made eye contact with me, and acted like they needed to express things to someone, then I’d initiate, gently. Probably just start by putting a sympathetic expression on my face, see how they go from there.
If they start with “Oh, I’m sorry, it’s just that … my cousin just called, and she …” then, sure, they can tell me what happened.
I’d quietly ask if they were okay and then take it from there.
Actually, a friend of mine recently lost her shit in the middle of a Dunkin’ Donuts. A random woman asked if she was okay, and talked with her for a few minutes. She said it made her feel so much better and she’s quite grateful that the lady took the time to do it.
Wow, that’s a pretty broad range! Just out of curiosity, why did you choose this range. Why not 25-40 (66% chance this would have been accurate) or 40-50 (round numbers baby). Just curious, 30-45 seems so arbitrary.
Me, if it was more than a momentary response (they did not stop crying), I would ask if they were OK or if they needed any help. Male, between 20 and 60 years old (hint: I am exactly halfway between).
I would get up and leave immediately. Unless I was waiting on something I ordered and paid for, in which case I would ignore the person, get my order and leave.
I would not only try to comfort the person, I’d probably try to feed them as well.
I’ll never forget about a year ago my little girl had just been diagnosed with sensory integration disfunction, ADHD, panic disorder and this on top of a severe speech delay. I was sitting in the waiting room while she was in therapy in the next room. I could hear her screaming and begging for her mama, but I could see through the observation window that she was just having one of her meltdowns. It just all hit me at once how messed up things looked for her future and how in the world would I handle her when she gets older. I burst into tears in front of all these strangers. I was more embarrassed that I couldn’t control myself than anything.
I guess it would have been fine if everyone had turned away and pretended they didn’t see me, but instead they all rallied around me, grabbed me tissues, offered to get me a soda, patted my hand. It was so comforting, and shocking at the same time that all these strangers were able to show such compassion.
I’ve done it, in similar situations. As Green Bean said, I basically asked if they were okay and took it from there.
Why? Good question! I guess just because I naturally tend to be helpful. If someone’s standing and looking around, confused, I’ll ask if they’re lost. If they’re struggling to reach something in a store, I’ll offer to grab it for them. In fact, if I see someone drop something, I usually have the impulse to pick it up for them, even if they *saw *that they dropped it, and even if I’m several feet away. So if someone’s crying, I almost can’t help but ask if there’s anything I can do.
I’m a female, and my age is a multiple of 17, between 20 and 50.
ETA: For those who are saying:
I’m curious how you’re defining “comfort”. To me, what you describe is certainly comfort. Are you thinking more along the lines of putting an arm around them and saying “There, there”?
There’s a funny semi-related Sedaris story about sitting next to a weepy Polish dude on a plane. Ruined his first-class experience. I give you Journey Into the Night
I didn’t, even when it was someone at work who I know by sight but have never spoken to. I was afraid I would embarrass her because I thought maybe she was embarrassed to be crying.
Huh. So, how would one *offer *comfort without asking if it’s needed? Something more like, “I’m here for you, and willing to help”? Or, “Please, tell me what’s wrong”? I’m also curious how **Skald **meant it.
I’m not trying to be nitpicky or snarky; I just find it interesting when people interpret questions differently. I mean, basically, you answered “No, I’d X” and I answered “Yes, I’d X”. Funny.
I would say that comfort depends on the comforter. Just asking the person if he or she needs a tissue can be a comfort. I’d do at least that, and I’d feel obliged to offer the person an ear if she or he needed someone to talk to.
But wouldn’t getting up and leaving - as the quote you quoted suggests - call attention even more?
It seems so … cold, somehow. Like you can’t stand to be in the presence of someone in distress, so you have to evacuate the area. If I was the distressed person, that would make me feel even worse!
You wanna not call attention to their tears, you sit there with your nose in your book and ignore them.