Happened earlier this evening. I’m a librarian, there was one patron in the library, I have seen her before but don’t know her, and she had not addressed me, and as she was sitting near my desk she bursts into sobs.
I’m embarrassed to admit that though I’d love to say the right thing, I basically politely ignored her. There is almost nothing that I find more awkward than this. It’s happened when I worked the front desk at hotels, I’ve had it happen in libraries, on elevators, once while checking out at a grocery store and the cashier was bauling, and I just honestly don’t know what in hell to do.
I think of saying “Are you okay?” but I don’t for several reasons. One reason ironically is empathy: to the best of my memory I’ve never burst into tears in public [I’ve choked up from time to time at a sad movie or whatever, but not a real crying jag]; I’m just not a cryer in general and on the extremely few times I’ve felt one coming on (always related to a death) I make like a dying elephant and remove myself from the herd. However IF it were to happen the last thing I would want anybody to do is acknowledge it or make a deal of it; treat it instead like a fart by just being polite and ignoring it.
And there’s a bit of shame when I admit that another reason I don’t ask “are you okay?” is for fear they’d tell me what they’re upset about. It’s not that I don’t care so much as… well… it’s AWKWARD TO HEAR A STRANGER’S WORST PROBLEMS! (Oh, I’ve done it once or twice… but no good deed goes unpunished and the person suddenly had me in this nebulous link of bad relationships and tragedies and I felt about like Adrian Monk around a snotty kid, just… I want to say or do the right thing but… ewww.)
Anyway, does this make anybody else as awkward as it does me? And if so or if not, what is your general reaction to it? (It would be far less awkward if they vomited or peed on themselves; if that were the case I’d go get something they could wipe/dry themselves off with and some cleaning products, but crying is way more personal and almost more socially unacceptable somehow [you can’t always help throwing up or peeing on yourself if you’re sick, but you can always leave the room if you’re going to cry.)
Well, maybe it’s because I’m a mother, but my default reaction to someone crying is “Are you okay?” Granted, I don’t want to get sucked into someone else’s problems, but if I can help in some small way I’d like to try.
Either politely ignoring or asking “Are you OK?” seem like good responses to me. If you’re at a front desk, maybe offering Kleenex or a glass of water would be good responses. I hope my instincts would guide me to the right response based on the situation. I’d be more likely to ask if they were OK if it seemed like something had happened suddenly. Like, if she was just mugged in the restroom of your library or hotel, you probably would want to help with a crisis like that. If I got the sense that she’d been crying for a while on and off, I’d be more likely to ignore it. If she was approaching the desk to transact business, I’d be more likely to offer the Kleenex/ water.
Is she hot ?
Kidding. I confess (heh) I do feel the same empathic urge to ask what’s going on, if I can help, etc… I even once really, really wished I had the guts to ask a girl on the subway if she needed anyone to talk to because her eyes were so fucking sad, it broke my heart. It really did.
However, I never did for complete strangers* - because I’m shy and self-conscious as hell and can’t help but second guess everything into oblivion.
“Do they really want a stranger to barge in their moment of public, yet intimate vulnerability ? Wouldn’t they think I’m trying to get inside their pants in a really, really inappropriate way ? What if he/she just snaps at me ? When I do cry in public, would I want anyone to notice it or comfort me ? Wouldn’t I get angry at being pitied ? What if… oh, shit, there’s my station. Oh, well. I’ll think about it all day, won’t I ?”
*(neither male nor female, although like RNATB I don’t know whether I would feel the same empathy for a guy, or feel like I oughta do something about it as much. So, yeah, I’m a sexist dinosaur, but I knew that :))
I’ve done that several times when people sneezed or coughed actually. I always love the reactions because it’s a completely unexpected action. Now I actually have other students who’ll “Shhhh!” someone who sneezes because it’s become an initiation ritual of sorts.
I’d pretty much just ignore it. If I were so distraught that I burst into uncontrollable crying in public, the last thing I would want is some well-meaning stranger asking me if I were okay. I know they’d be trying to help, but the embarassment of being acknowledged at such a time would just make the whole situation that much worse.
If it was me, I would want to be left alone. Not that I make a habit of crying in public, but for me it’s about the most embarrassing thing that could happen and I’d rather be left alone to regain some self-control. Also, if I’m having a hard time and managing not to cry, someone being nice to me and asking if I’m OK is pretty much the very thing that will push me over the edge. I hate that. (Really, this is very rare; hasn’t happened for years!)
However, many people are not me. And if I was at work in the library and someone started crying at a table, I might feel like I really should go over there and check on them. And yes, it’s horribly awkward and I’m really bad at dealing with emotional people like that!
I’ve been the person crying recently. Once someone said “I hope whatever it is gets better” which was ok. I am fine with being asked if I am ok. I might answer with a short answer “my husband died recently” or I might say something like “thanks, I will be fine in a moment.”
IMHO, crying is like farting. No one likes doing it in public, but sometimes you can’t help it.
It is awkward, for sure. I think maybe a “Do you need assistance? Is there someone I can call for you?” might work because it offers help if it is truly needed, but sort of closes the door for crying on your shoulder.
I’d probably ask if they needed immediate help, or if I could locate a quiet space for them to be in or something. I probably wouldn’t ask if they were OK, as I have railed on the subject of “why would you ask that when someone obviously isn’t?” extensively. Even though I know it’s social form, not a dumb question.
If said stranger needed to cry on my shoulder I’d probably let them. 'Satiable curtiosity and all that. I might find out why the complete stranger was crying. Also, I tend to receive a feeling of well-being from being an emotional aid to people. (When you find yourself being agony aunt to everyone in the office it’s time to take a good, long look at exactly why everyone seems to open up to you, and why you let 'em. I’m under no illusions that I don’t get something out of being the empathy lady.)
Asking “Are you okay?” is a force of habit, but it would be strange to ask, knowing perfectly well that they aren’t. I’d put on the professional voice (strong and calm and please-don’t-give-me-the-details) and ask if there is anything I can do to help, something I can get them, call someone for them, that kind of thing. It’s how I would hope to be treated if I were the public crier.
I am inclined to be over empathetic so I would have to keep an emotional distance. While I might seem aloof, I would also be very protective of them until I knew they were in a better state of mind, or were in the care of someone who could really help them.
Possibly it would be less awkward if you focused on what you can do. Bring a glass of water and a kleenex, set them on the table near them in an unobtrusive way. I am a very small female person so I generally can get away with touching anyone gently on the shoulder in a sympathetic sort of way. I am more inclined to say something generic than “are you okay?” to a stranger, something like “Let me know if there is anything else I can get you” or “Is there someone I should call for you?”.
If they are going to tell me their problems, they are going to anyway; but I agree that asking them about their problems doesn’t usually seem appropriate.
Now I actually have other students who’ll “Shhhh!” someone who sneezes because it’s become an initiation ritual of sorts.