This is pretty much what I was going to suggest. When the person is able to compose herself, she will notice what you’ve done and either make eye contact and thank you or not. If she does, you can ask if she needs anything else, including a private place; if not, it may be best to leave her alone. Or you could take her another glass of water, if she’s finished the first one, and ask her what she needs.
I probably don’t handle this too well, it would depend on proximity and how able I was to escape. If I’m close and unable to escape, I’d probably fake compassion and talk to them, able to escape, I do, and far away, I ignore.
Unfortunately, the pharmacy school I’ve applied to for the last two years has had 3 mini-interviews each year where we’re put in an exam room and given 2 minutes to prepare for a 10 minute interview. One room each year has involved someone crying and you trying to fix their situation.
I’ve been known to say, “If you need any help let me know” in such a situation. For all the reasons mentioned some people are on the edge and an act of kindness kicks them right into ugly displays (at least mine are ugly), or they may be embarrassed, or just need a moment to collect themselves. Offering help seems the right amount of compassion without intruding.
On a slightly separate note, my son is a University student who also works part-time to put himself through school. Often he’s traveling to work by subway and takes the forty minute ride to put his head down. He leans forward with his arms across his knees and rests his head. As a mom who doesn’t live in the big city I am delighted to report that there are invariably several caring folk who ask him if he’s okay or if he needs help on each of those trips. He’s a solid healthy 23 year-old who dresses shabbily but is clearly not homeless. He finds it highly intrusive but I see the milk of human kindness. Clearly different strokes . . .
If I have paper tissues, I hand them a pack without saying anything. Depending on their reaction and how I think they’re going to take it, I may pat them a bit or put my hand on their shoulder. If they decide to tell me their life story and I don’t have anything terribly serious to do, I listen, ahuming and aheming at the right spots (a skill developed by a lifetime of dealing with my mother and her parents).
I never, ever, ever, tell anybody “don’t cry.” People who tell “don’t cry” to someone who’s crying make my blood pressure raise to the ceiling, and normally I’m low.
Asking if they are ok is kind of weird, no? I mean, obviously they aren’t. And if you are not interested in hearing their story, it is probably not a good idea. But I like the idea of offering help. Most people will refuse, but if someone really needs help but is too shy to ask, it opens the door for them. But I think ignoring is a perfectly acceptable response.
I cry pretty easily and it is hard for me to stop. I will go somewhere private if at all possible. It is tough when I am trying to get myself together and then someone asks me if I’m ok, or what happened. Then the waterworks are likely to turn back on. If I could change one thing about myself, it would probably be for me to stop crying so easily.
I’d probably ignore it for a while for fear of embarassing them, but if they continued crying and didn’t seem to be trying to hide it or seek privacy, I’d ask “Are you OK?”
I’m totally perplexed that some people above seem to think “Are you OK?” is a strange question when someone obvious isn’t. This is a standard way of politely offering assistance to someone. It doesn’t really mean “Are you OK?” it means “Would you like me to treat you as if you’re OK, or would you like me to offer help?” I thought everyone understood that.
I say something like “can I get you a tissue or a drink of water?” in a quiet voice.
If they say “no,” I say “let me know if you need anything,” and retreat. If they say “yes,” I bring the item(s), squeeze their arm or shoulder, and retreat.
It’s a fine line between expressing concern and inviting confidences I may not want to hear and they may not want to impart.
This has happened to me, and I say something like “Are you OK?” or “Is there anything I can do to help?” Usually I just get a teary, red-eyed smile and a shake of the head. Most people want to be left alone in that situation, but appreciate a gesture of support.
Well, I am a mother, but I would politely ignore them. On the rare occasion that I have lost my shit in public, it embarrassed the hell out of me and I would have wanted to commit ritualistic suicide if a stranger had asked me if I were ok. I kind of figure that the people who burst out crying in public fall into one of two categories:
-
people like I* who can’t help the timing of their breakdown, and would prefer to be left alone and not have their breakdown acknowledged.
-
drama queens who want someone to unload on, but have exhausted all other friends, family members and acquaintances and have to seek their pity party from strangers.
Group one gets my polite avoidance, group two needs to drop off the face of the earth. In a library setting, I might be inclined to ask if they need to go to one of the private reading rooms (assuming there are any) until they are a bit more calm, otherwise I would act as if nothing were out of the ordinary.
*This has only happened to me once or twice – both times during massive stresses in my life, such as when my father died suddenly and we had to get Red Cross to get my brother home – he was on the front lines in Afghanistan, about to fight in a war.
I like the “Is there anything I can do for you?” better than “Are you OK?” for the reason that has already been pointed out – it seems less likely to get a story, which I probably don’t want to hear.
Some of my response depends if I am there (wherever this story is happening) in a professional capacity, in which case I feel responsible to make some minimal contact … or if I am simply a fellow person (on a bus, in the park, whatever) and then I would play it by ear a little more.
I was surprised though, recently, when I had a crying in public episode (and I think I can count the number of times I’ve cried in public on one hand). I was at church – AT CHURCH – and unexpectedly burst into tears when I heard my late uncle’s favorite hymn. He’s been dead for years. Even at the time, I was not feeling that sad, it was like a weird Pavlovian thing happened the instant I recognized the hymn. I thought to myself that I was going to sound ridiculous explaining this to the priest. I was a little bit shocked when, after the service, the priest wrapped things up and left quickly without approaching me. I think if a priest can’t handle crying strangers, that’s a big problem.
I would know my work is done.
It depends on how the person was crying and how much of a stranger that person was.
If the crying was loud and desperate sounding (without any physical injury), I’d smell trouble and stay away.
If the crying still has some degree of control and self respect and it were a situation where I’d see the person again (ie. if I was a librarian and the person crying was a patron who visits often) then I’d say something like, “You seem to be having a bad day. Is there anything that you need?”
Jodi’s response is what I would do – quietly offer help, saying, “can I do anything for you?” and if so, do it and leave. If somehow circumstances dictated, I would, at the minimum, make eye contact and so the person could telegraph if they wanted some help.
I mean, it’s another person and they’re obviously in some sort of distress. You don’t ignore that like it’s not happening.
I was on a bus and this happened I asked the lady if she was all right. She said “I’m fine, please excuse me.” Then she burst out in tears again. I said “are you sure, can I help?” She said “Excuse me, I’ll be fine.” the she burst out in tears and kept crying.
Since no one was bothering her and she refuse help, I figured it was none of my business, so she cried for at least 20 minutes and was still bawling when I left the bus.
In the library it’s a bit different because it’s a quiet place and they can always go outside and cry.
I would have asked “Is there anything I can do to help?” and let it go at that.
I know this isn’t in the spirit of the OP, but what was she reading?
The newspaper?
Her Russian homework?
Little Women?
(any of those would reduce me to tears)
I would gently place a box of tissues on her table, pause long enough for her to nod a thank you, and creep away.
Pretty much. There is a third group - Young People who are in the grip of strong emotion (or hormones), but they should be treated like the first lest they develop into the second.
My lifetime MO on this is:
When someone is in a bad state, crying, freaking out, or permutations thereof:
I get them a glass of water, to show I actively care, and that some sort of caring is at hand. Then, while they understand that you can bring at least Something, suss out what might be needed. Let them know that they haven’t made an ass out of themselves in public. And, I hope your library, being public space, has protocol for that need.
Noted: I am a soft heart, and will always try to figger best for someone in duress.
I went through a period where I ended up in tears pretty often, and one time a stranger asked if I needed anything and gave me a tissue.
Damned if that little gesture didn’t change my life. Yeah, it did push me over the edge and make me cry harder. But in the end that little bit of human kindness was what spurred me to get my life together.
You have no idea what a big impression you may make in somebody’s life. It’s worth choosing kindness, even if it is mildly awkward or inconvenient.
No idea. Because of the time of day- about two hours into a class- I’m guessing she may have failed a test, though no idea whether that’s the case.
I feel really bad in such times and I really do want to actually say something, but a combo of factors prevents me.
I generally offer tissues, and ask if they’re okay (yes it’s happened before.) They usually say they’ll be fine, and take some tissues.