To be honest, if it was a girl and she was hot, I might offer a shoulder to cry on.
Otherwise, no. Why? I’m an unfeeling bastard I guess.
Male in the 39 to 150 age range.
But that would interfere with my book reading experience. The person has an apparently working phone so they can call for help if they need it. They are not in any immediate danger. How do I know a jealous ex-lover isn’t about to arrive in 5 minutes, mistake me for the current beau and inflict violent rage upon my person? I’d split and not think twice about it. If they are in emotional distress, they can get over it without any help from me.
If it were a man between the ages of 13 and 65 I would probably give a sympathetic shrug and kind of put the offer “out there” with a look but let them initiate any further contact. If it were a woman I would be more likely to walk over unsolicited and offer comfort - whether a napkin or a hand on the shoulder or “what can I do for you” type of thing.
I was … LOL.
Male, mid 40s.
I’d ask if they (male, female…makes no difference) were OK, and ask if there was anything I could do.
This has happened to me before.
Where: Barnes & Noble in a local mall.
When: Early Spring
What: I, male in my early 20s, was sitting in the magazine section reading DuPont Registry. Fantasizing about cars I’ll never forseeably own.
I tend not to be able to sit still in public places, even while reading, so I’m always looking around and surveying my surroundings. During one said survey, I notice a young girl, easily still in her teens, sit down at one of the tables with a bunch of pregnancy books. I go back to my fantasy world, trying not to drool of course. My fantasizing soon becomes interrupted by a quiet sobbing mere feet away.
Who: The young girl reading the pregnancy books.
My Reaction: I kept reading about my beloved Lamborghinis, constantly struggling with myself wondering if I should go talk to her.
Our ages and genders did play a role in my eventual decision not to talk to her. I just would have felt awkward and out of my elementa to go and talk to her when it’s very obvious as to why she’s quietly crying to herself. I don’t have kids, don’t have any siblings that went through a teen pregnancy or anything at all to give me a modicum of experience in the situation. Naturally I was unsure of what I’d even say to her. So I said nothing.
Eventually I got up went to a different section and started reading social science books. I stopped and got up to use the restroom and when I went back, she had stolen my seat and looked more composed.
I left my book and the store and went to get a refill of precious Dr Pepper at Chick-fil-A.
Probably not, but it would depend on their body language.
Male 23
Edit: Oh and for why: because I wouldn’t want someone to comfort me if I was in such a circumstance.
Not necessarily. As long as you don’t go running and screaming out of the store you should be fine. And even if they notice me as I’m leaving, I’ll be out of there so I don’t have to worry about anyone coming up to me.
- Put hand over wallet.
- Ask if things are okay.
Like you, this 64 year old man would offer comfort by asking the same questions you say you would. 
Plus, maybe, the paper towel that I carry folded up in my back pocket for the tears.
Peace,
mangeorge
I’ve actually had that scenario happen twice in my life (male 60). Both times it was a lone female who broke down in public; once at a MacDonald’s, once at a Denny’s (yeah, I know - I don’t eat healthy). Both times, I went over, offered a napkin and some water and asked if they were okay and was there anything I could do to help.
One said no and ran out of the place. The other said thanks and we talked for a while. Boyfriend had just dumped her for someone else and it helped her to talk about it.
I’d like some more “It happened to me” stories, from both givers and getters of the sympathy.
Would that be another thread? Is anyone else interested?
Peter: Let me ask you something. When you come in on Monday, and you’re not feelin’ real well, does anyone ever say to you, ‘Sounds like someone has a case of the Mondays’?
Lawrence: No. No, man. Shit, no, man. I believe you’d get your ass kicked sayin’ something like that, man.
Easy. You could simply ask them to tell you about their problems, for example, without first asking if they do need to unburden.
More importantly though, I wasn’t saying that I would offer comfort without asking if it was necessary. Rather, I said the opposite – that I would ask first BEFORE offering comfort. I think that’s a rather significant distinction.
It happened to me outside of a Walgreens. A woman was crying and I asked if she was okay. She said she’d be all right. She was waiting for her boyfriend who was inside. I am assuming he was buying a pregnancy test or something.
I remember watching an excerpt from a documentary about people who have jumped off the Golden Gate bridge. One guy they interviewed had survived the jump. He said he had been on the bridge contemplating suicide and crying and being distraught and dozens of people walked by and no one asked him if he was okay, somewhat reaffirming an uncaring universe I suppose. Anyway, if it were me, I’d ask if someone was okay if they were obviously upset about something.
Male, 42 years old, elementary school teacher.
I see where I’m not getting it here. In post #2 you said:
“but I would ask them if they were okay and if they needed to talk about it.”. To me, that’s offering comfort. If I were distressed and you said that to me, I’d probably take you up on it.
Just that sort of intervention could save a life.
Just about 2 years ago, I was in this type of situation. Follows is something I wrote immediately after I arrived home - I needed an outlet after the experience and writing it down helped. It’s somewhat edited for posting here. I’m male, 40.
I was part of a tragic experience on the flight from Toronto this evening. It’s left me very sad.
I boarded the plane and got to my row. I had the aisle seat. There was a girl sitting in the window seat. The middle seat was empty.
The flight finished boarding and it was apparent there was not going to be anyone in the middle seat.
The girl looked like she was about 15 or 16. I told her this was the first time in a number of recent flights I’d been on that I wasn’t going to be sitting with someone in the seat right next to me and that I was looking forward to having the extra room. As far as I knew, this was going to be the only conversation between us for the whole flight.
As we were pushing back from the gate, she asked me why I was going to Winnipeg. I told her I was returning home from vacation.
She said that she had left from Winnipeg on Thursday to go home to the east coast. As soon as she arrived home, she had to turn around and go back to Winnipeg.
I asked her why she was returning to Winnipeg.
She started to cry. She said her mom died this morning. It was sudden and unexpected. Her mom was 41.
Wow.
What do you say? I told her I was sorry and that it was tragic. I said a few other things I don’t remember. She said she was still in shock.
I was silent as the plane taxied to the runway. Speechless.
I had a book with me. I was going to either read or look to see what movies were playing in the entertainment system.
As soon as we took off, I leaned over to her and said “Two and a half hours is a long time to listen to your own thoughts. If you want to talk about anything, I can be a good listener. Feel free to interrupt me at any time.” And I intended to start reading right away.
She started sobbing again. “I don’t know what I’m going to do without my mom. She was my friend. She was who I went to when I needed advice about anything. We talked almost every day.”
She talked about being at home in Winnipeg for the holidays. She said the family had a wonderfully happy holiday season. The day before she returned to the east coast was spent with her mom. They had a great day. In hindsight, she doesn’t know why she spent the day with her mom as it would have been typical of her to be in the company of her friends. It was and always will be a special day.
She talked about having childhood nightmares that her mom died suddenly.
I never did open my book. I didn’t see what movies were playing. Instead, I spent 2 hours listening to and talking to a young woman who was going through her worst nightmare. A deeply moving conversation that she guided. I learned about her mom and dad. Her grandmother. Her brother and his pregnant girlfriend. Her aunt and uncle. I learned about her move to eastern Canada with her boyfriend. I heard about her first semester at university.
I didn’t learn her name. I never did find out how old she is. Older than she initially appeared, but no older than about 19.
She spoke about things that a 19 year old should not have to speak of.
She talked about how she, her father and her brother were going to write an obituary tonight. About how she hoped that they would decide on a closed casket at the service. It occurred to her that they would have to go casket shopping - a prospect that horrified her, yet something that she could not allow anyone else to do.
She discussed speaking at the funeral. She feared she might not be able to get through a speech. She agreed those in attendance would likely understand if she had to stop speaking.
I asked her if she is religious. She answered that she wished that she was. It might make the coming days easier.
She worried for her father. How he will balance a need to grieve, mourn and organize while also appearing to be in control and strong. She intends on taking this semester off to stay with him in Winnipeg so they can be there for one another.
She talked about cleaning out her mother’s belongings with her father. Not this week, but she doesn’t want to wait for too long.
She talked about not knowing what to do with the her mother’s estate. And that she hopes her father knows if there is a will.
She worried about her boyfriend who is remaining in the east. How is he going to make due while she stays in Winnipeg.
She worried about the family dynamics, much of which revolved around her mother’s influence.
Her 21 year old brother is living with his girlfriend who is expecting in about 5 months. They are living in poverty.
Her mother’s sister (her aunt) recently moved in with grandma in Winnipeg to get away from an abusive husband (her uncle). Abusive husband has shown up in Winnipeg, causing fear and anger. Aunt and Uncle are recovering drug addicts. She is worried for aunt, uncle and grandma as mom’s death threatens all kinds of issues with these people.
Mom was instrumental in keeping peace and order in check.
She talked about her mom.
Her mom was married at the age of 19. Her brother was born when her mom was 20. She was born soon after.
Her mom spent almost 20 years raising her kids.
Three years ago, her mom decided to go back to school to become a nurse. She enrolled in an upgrading program to obtain entrance level equivalencey. She helped her mom get through some math and other courses. Mom hadn’t been in school since high school and struggled to re-learn what she had first learned 20 years ago.
She very recently completed her studies and yesterday she was working her first shift ever as a Nurse.
While at work yesterday evening, her mom said that she wasn’t feeling well. And then she stopped breathing. She was resuscitated, but died 18 hours later. A history of hypertension. A suspected MI.
She was very proud of her mom. And she wasn’t ready for her mom’s story to end now. There was supposed to be more. Wedding. Grandchildren. Much more.
We discussed many other things, some of which was not related to her immediate reality. There were more tears. There was some laughter. There was some rationalization. There was some silent contemplation. There was sadness.
We landed in Winnipeg. And we parted ways.
I saw a bare and wounded soul this evening.
And to me, it isn’t… not just yet. As Heart of Dorkness said, this shows how people can interpret questions differently.
Honest answer: only if it was a cute chick
That’s bad.