The world is a cold and bitter place. The only thing that makes it better is the compassion we show one another.
Just asking if someone is okay is compassion. Offering to do something for them is compassion. Then, doing that something or refraining from doing anything at that request is also compassion. If you have any doubt, try reading www.givesmehope.com and see what an effect showing compassion has on others.
I can understand when someone says they wouldn’t, because they would be embarrassed if they were in the same circumstances. I wish they’d turn it around and do what they think that person might want instead of what they think they want.
However, I don’t understand those who say they wouldn’t bother unless it was a woman they found attractive. Shakes, Stringer, do you understand just how repugnant that is? Are you incapable of empathy? Do you honestly see nothing wrong in ignoring others’ pain unless it’s someone you want to have sex with? Seriously, there’s nothing funny in your answer or your attitude. In fact, the only way I can describe it is . . . disgusting.
I probably wouldn’t offer comfort, but I would want to. I’m so shy and awkward though and have a lot of trouble relating to people and/or holding a conversation. I would figure I was intruding and not welcome. The thought of going up to a stranger and talking to them sets my heart racing, and not in the good way. I actually try to avoid speaking with strangers in general these days.
Once I went to see a punk show when I was in either high school or early university, I forget. I would have been in my late teens, anyway. I was walking home alone from the show in the dark, no one else was around, and I was crying (because of family issues). Then the band that I had just seen drove by and pulled over and asked directions. They asked what was wrong, I answered “Just stupid teenager stuff, it’ll be okay.” The guitar player offered me a hug and hugged me through the car window.
29, female.
edited to add: Critical Mass, that story made me cry. And not just a couple of drops, I mean the messy type. But I wish I could help someone like that.
I normally carry kleenex. I offer them one and go on from there depending on how they respond. I’ve had people take it, thank me and more-or-less quietly use it; I’ve had others crying on my shoulder without any kind of explanation; I’ve had others tell me their whole story among hiccups and sobs. Whichever works.
Not only would I do it, I have. I’m the type who checks on anyone when they merely look like they are feeling down. And I once caught a guy who had attempted suicide a bunch of times, and I think I really may have helped him out.
I do find it hard to understand those of you who say the answer is no, but say you would offer. Wouldn’t such an answer logically mean that, if they wanted to take you up on that offer, you would then have to snub them?
A gentleman always carries a clean handkerchief for such an occasion.
I am male, 53, but I was out grocery shopping with my children when a similar situation occurred. The lady in front of us in line burst into tears because her infant was crying and she was apparently overwhelmed. My son and daughter, without being asked, sprang into action. My daughter, who was eleven at the time. sat her and her infant down on a seat nearby and supplied her with a Kleenex and sympathy. My son, who was fourteen, bagged her groceries and offered to carry them to her car. She declined the offer, once she got calmed down. We never saw her again.
Actually I sort of have, but not in the OP’s context. Early in our dating career, I was on my way to meet my partner and a distraught man was standing on the subway platform crying like a child. He was kind of acting like a child, so seemed mentally ill. He kept walking to the edge of the platform and looking to see if the subway was coming. It was really freaking out everyone else because it honestly looked like he was waiting to jump in front of the train, but no one really knew what to do. Surely, by the time anyone notified security or anyone else, the train would have arrived. That station had a Cinnabon and I went over to him and just said: “You look like you’re having a bad day. I’m going to get a cinnabon. Do you want one too?” He said “Okay.” and just stood there softly blubbering to himself while we got the cinnamon buns, and I suggested we eat them outside because the subway smelled funny. I was carrying the buns so he came with. I never asked him what was wrong, all he ever said was “It’s not fair.” and he ate his cinnamon bun all blubbery from crying. Then I told him “Oh, gosh, I’m going to be late. I hope your day gets better.” and he started crying like a little kid again. He said “Bye.” and wandered down the street. But at least he wasn’t about to jump in front of a train! There was however, the risk of jumping in front of a truck.
I called 911 to report a mentally ill person who may harm himself and it turned out they had been looking for him for awhile. I have no idea what happened to the guy and no idea what his story was. Edit: His track pants looked kind of pyjama-like, so I suspect he wandered away from a group home.
I don’t know. On the one hand, I’m a generally introverted person, so my first instinct is to let people be, just because that’s what I want. On the other hand, it does seem like a nice thing to at least offer, so there’s that. But, in all honesty, I tend to freeze up when confronted with (even minor) crises, so I’d probably think, hey I should maybe see if they’re okay, and then, ‘no, I don’t want to intrude’, and waffle for a bit, and by the time I’d made a decision, they’d be gone. It’s kind of sad, because I if I can manage to get started with an offer before I start waffling, I do like to help people (although I’ve never offered comfort, just pushing of vehicles and such), but I’m really terrible at it.
You realize that picking up a woman in such circumstances is unlikely to work. If it does work, she is likely to feel resentful afterwards–and that’s in the best-case scenario.
In keeping with the Golden Rule, I would not go over to a total stranger in his/her moment of great emotional upheaval. If it’s someone I’m acquainted with, even slightly so, then yes I would at least go over to ask if there’s something I can do to help. Because if I were the one crying away, the last thing I’d want to do would be to share my woes with a complete stranger.
I would ask. I have before. Just a simple, “Are you OK?” and if they seem receptive to that, “Is there something I can do for you?” I have never had anyone take me up on the offer.
I am intensely private myself. As a child and as a teen I was humiliated many times for bursting into tears or crying, by the women in my family, so I would not be caught dead crying in public. So it is a reach for me to feel sympathetic, but I feel merely asking is the least I can do.
You don’t have to share your woes, just say something like “no, I’ll be okay”, or just shake your head “no”. The same goes for the other person. Remember though, “no means no”. Most of the time anyway. If he/she totally ignores you, I don’t think that’s a good sign.
If you really think spmeone is suicidal, you can (discretely) call 911.
No matter what, I would approach the person. I would first ask, “Are you OK?”
Regardless of the answer, I’d reply, “Do you want to talk about it?”
If yes, then I’d stay a while to listen.
/Deckard Cain
Listen, and try to comfort a bit.
If no, then I’d say “All right, I’ll be here for a bit if you do.”
And then I’d stay for at least ten minutes.
I’ve been that stranger. Nothing is worse than emotional suffering…except emotional suffering alone. I’m terribly shy myself. I rarely approach strangers to talk in public areas. But if a person is hurting - well, I can relate. So I’m always willing then to see if they need a shoulder to cry onto.
Strange, how I’m not shy when I observe someone in pain, but otherwise always.
This sort of happened to me, too, during the first-ever KISS reunion tour in NC. I was alllll the way in the back of the arena in Nosebleed City. During “Beth” I happened to look down and notice that the the 20-something military-looking guy who was in the seat next to mine was sitting down, head in his hands, shoulders shaking with big, huge sobs. I figured that the song had some sort of personal significance to him (because otherwise the sight of Peter Criss warbling off-tune while handing out roses isn’t all that tearjerking) and impulsively laid one hand on his shoulder and gave it a little squeeze to say “Hey, someone is here and cares.” He reached up and gave my hand a pat to acknowledge the gesture. After the song was over he regained his composure quickly and I left him alone.
When the show was over, he turned to me and said thanks, then briefly explained that his older brother was married to a woman named Beth and that he was killed in a car crash just the year before. “Beth” was the song played at his brother’s graveside service. He admitted that he was afraid before the show about breaking down during the song and had contemplated leaving the arena before it was played, but decided to stay around and deal with it and he was glad he did. We then shook hands and went our separate ways.
BTW I’m female, and was in my mid-30s at the time.
sorta.