First off, i do NOT want a pity party, that’s not what this thread is about.
Second, some news. Some of the people in chat know this,but just yesterday, my good friend David died of cardiac arrest. He was only in his mid twenties. He did have heart problems since he was young. My friend Abe told me that he died quickly and peacefully.
I want you to know (as best you can in text) David as I knew him. A kind and gentle soul who was always there to listen, someone i felt close to, who became a good friend of mine. This is going to be written like a letter to him. Feelings i could never express outright, or things i never got a chance to tell him.
While we didnt spend a lot of time together, what we did spend together i will always cherish. I remember the first night i met you. You were invited to one of our club meetings. I remember walking into the restaurant seeing you sitting there, quiet, and at the end of the table. I had only heard about you from Mike and Matt, because you were in a class with them. You kept hanging out with us, becoming a member of PASU (Pacific Asian Student Union), going along with us to Koto Japanese restaurant at least every other week. Over the course of three years, i grew to consider you a good friend, though we never hung out every day like a lot of good friends do in college.
I also remember the many get togethers at either Ann’s, yours, or Mike’s place (mostly yours or Ann’s). I remember us always cooking some kind of meal, and just talking about various things, mostly the mundane and silly. I even remember the pornos that would be played at a few of the get togethers ;). It was always a wonderful time hanging out with you. You never said anything mean, or rude to any of us, you seemed real, nothing fake about you at all. I thouroughly enjoyed every minute of it, and always was dissapointed the nights had to end so soon.
I also remember when i came out of the closet to you. You seemed a little confused as to why i so urgently needed to talk to you. I remember knocking on the door, you answering and mecoming in and sitting down on that papasan in your livingroom. I also remember the smile you gave me when i finally told you I was gay. It was such a reassuring smile, one I wont soon forget. You really were my inspiration for coming out to our friends, because i saw that you were comfortable enough in yourself to bring Troy along to a couple of the parties Ann threw, so i knew that i finally had someone i could connect on that level with. I also gained that spark of confidence to tell our friends. I remember spending time with you and Troy, seeing you and him lie together on the floor, watching the movie you had rented, while we all ate food from Papa Chuy’s (not to mention watching Troy get excited seeing his Idol, tina Turner). You continue to inspire me to come out to Matt and Liz. Though your death is sad, it’s become my motivation to come out to my family, because i realize how soon life can be taken away without notice (it never hits you til it happens to those close to you).
I have absolutely no regrets ever getting to know you. You are one of the most beautiful people, and souls I have ever met, definitely a spark in my life. I feel that you filled a part of me by becoming my friend. However, i do have one slight regret, that i never took more time to get to know you better. It wasnt until earlier this year that i started to feel a need to get to know you more, because most of our group had moved on, either graduating, or transferring to other schools. I felt i needed to take as many moments in life to get to know you while I still could. It saddens meto think that the time foryou to depart from this life was so soon. I am a little upset with you however (thought you’d get off that easy, did you? :)).
The reason i’m a little angry is because i did try to get to know you better. I had heard you were dropping out of school and having problems. I sent you that email in January, and you never sent me a reply, i feel that there are things said that are unresolved because of it. I only wish you had either told me you were doing OK, or actually took some time to talk to me. I had told you i was there, and that the email was because i was concerned for you as a friend, not because i was trying to be nosy and get into your business. It truly was from the heart, and it stung to see you not acknowledge it. It also felt like you were becoming more distant, and i wanted you to know that i would be damned to hell before i would let you fall away from me like that. With you gone, you’ll never get to respond, and i’ll never get to know your answer.
What saddens me most about your passing is that you seemed to be coming to your potential. You had gotten away from that bible study group you were in. I have to admit, i always wondered why you were in it. You were so not like them. You had also come to the realization that you were gay, which i was happy for you, because you were finding out who you were, and you weren’t denying who you were anymore. You had also gotten a boyfriend, Troy, who i had seen made you smile, who seemed to make you happy, happier than you seemed in that bible-study group you were in. It made me happy to see all of these changes. You passing so soon angers me when I think about this. A life cut short, someone who was finally finding himself, his life extinguished before he had a chance to shine as bright as he could.
I won’t dwell on the sadness of your passing. I feel that’s not what you would want of me. I will always cherish our times together, even if they weren’t too many. I will always remember your warmth, compassion, caring, and genuine relaness that i got to know in the three years since I had met you. I will always remember and love you, David, I will not forget you, you will always be in my heart, for as long as I live.
Rest in peace, homie.