A Wedding Etiquette Question

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’m going through this myself, and I thought it was pretty standard for those who want to give gifts (read: everyone) to contact the parents of the happy couple and inquire where they are registered. Perhaps their parents don’t approve in some way?

Right now the bride-to-be and me aren’t registered anywhere, and don’t think we will register, because we don’t have room for gifts. Anything people give us will end up in storage because we’re moving in September to New York (and will likely end up in a furnished apartment for some months).

22

If this gives me gas then you’ll bear some responsibility for a nasty paper cut.

23

I don’t get it. What’s a couple to do if they are getting married and don’t want towels or place settings or hand-embroidered pillow covers? Are they at the mercy of the shopping tastes of their wedding guests? Why can’t they ask for money?

I think that particular ettiquite rule (like so many others) was conceived in a time when most couples getting married did need house stuff, since they probably lived in their parents’ house before the big day. Now it’s not so practical.

I undersand that it’s terribly tacky to ask directly for anything. So honestly, people, what is the alternative?

24

Suffer and write nice thank you notes? Honestly, don’t troll for gifts. Anything you don’t like can be returned, donated to charity, or discretely re-gifted without anything coming out of your pocket.

25

It’s like there’s an unwritten assumption that couples have to receive china and towels for their wedding, whether they want them or not. What if they really, truly don’t need them?

Picture this: a person is invited to a wedding. Spends some time thinking about a wedding gift, goes shopping, thoughtfully picks out something they think the couple would want/need/enjoy.

Couple recieves gift, smiles insincerely, writes thank-you note (sincerely thanking them for coming to the wedding, if not for the gift), discreetly returns gift for a coupon to be redeemed later, quite possibly at a store that doesn’t carry anything they want.

Wouldn’t it just have been easier for all concerned for the person to give cash (or even a gift certificate for the store)? Why are obsolete rules about ettiquette still more important than the bride, groom or guests?

I have been in both positions: of having to shop at a store I hate for a gift I know they only put on the registry because they needed to fill up the registry; and of getting married and honestly not wanting anything that most of my relatives would have bought.

(Fortunately, due to my bizarre circumstances it worked out pretty well. I’m sure glad I didn’t end up in the position of having lots of place settings and ornaments that I would have to pack up as soon as I moved overseas, and at the same time not being able to pay my tuition and rent, which is what we needed the cash for. What would that have accomplished? It’s my wedding, after all.)

Yes, my example of housewares is not always appropriate: I know you can register at all kinds of places. But the fact is that there was nothing that my husband and I would have wanted as gifts. To put together a registry list would have taken a lot more time and interest than we had to spare, and would have resulted in having stuff that we didn’t want and would then have had to deal with in some way.

I do not see why it’s so horrible to ask for money instead of gravy boats.

26

I’d drop them a line and ask them how much they want the check made out for. OHMYGAWD! They are so bad! I’d send envelopes – just envelopes.

27

Why not just tell people you’re registered at the bank?

28

Because weddings are not Christmas, guests are not Santa, and the bride and groom are not seven years old.

Etiquette doesn’t specify that guests can’t give cash or gift certificates if they so desire. It’s quite common, really. But people should only have to give what they want to give.

And registering for gravy boats is not the same as putting a note in the invitation- “Bring the gravy boat set from Macy’s.” I mean, it’s not like you’re supposed to tuck in a note telling where you’re registered.

29

I was addressing cowgirl in my last post of course.

30

.Cowgirl – while I get what you are saying, don’t forget that giving a gift is not a requirement. People do it because it’s something they want to do.

31

My wife and I completed a gift registry at a department store, then let our best man and matron of honor (my brother, her sister) and our parents know that we’d done so. When someone asked them or us about wedding gifts, we said that they weren’t necessary, but that they could check the registry at Department Store X.

Some people don’t want to (or can’t) give you gifts. Some people want to give you gifts that they think you’d like, or that they like. Some people want to give you a gift and want you to tell them what you want. I think our solution took care of all three groups of people without veering into Tackidom.

It’s good to keep in mind that not all gift givers or recipients are interested in performing the most efficient economic transaction possible.

32

What is a polite way of saying “Please don’t feel obliged to get us anything. We really don’t need anything for our home. If you do, however, want to get us something, please don’t expect us to register at Macy’s/Sears/Mountain Equipment Co-op, or have the best man tell you what to buy, because we don’t have storage space, we will be travelling overseas in the near future and don’t want anything else to pack, and there’s nothing you could buy us that would make us really happy. We are, however, in debt and are having trouble making rent.” ?

33

Well, I’ve heard that the phrase “The pleasure of your company is the only gift we desire” is acceptable.

And for other occasions, something like: "In lieu of flowers, a donation to the (name of a preferred charity here) is appreciated.

34

The polite thing is for you not to say anything unless specifically asked. You are, I believe, allowed to tell your best man and m.o.h. what sort of things you would like, but even they cannot send out fliers on your behalf dictating the terms under which you will accept presents.

But if you, or your representatives, are asked, “What would you like me to get you?”, you’re allowed to tell the truth. You can’t politely initiate the conversation, but you can participate in it.

Mayhap I’m wrong about this – I haven’t really brushed up on the etiquette since we got married five years ago(!). Etiquette experts may have a better answer for you.

35

An invitation is just that - AN INVITATION. The expessed desire for you to attend their wedding. To ask for anything specific in the invitation, or to mention where you’re registered, is considered crass.

MrVena and I only already had china and stuff before we married and didn’t want to register anywhere. All kinds of aunties and in-laws got mad about that. So we registered (carefully) at Home Depot and Target. And still ended up with 4 coffee makers.

It is ok to include a note on where you’re registered in a shower invitation.

Personally, I’d buy a really, REALLY big, Hearts-&-Flowers card from Hallmark and include a small (empty) envelope in the card.

But I’m quite uppity!!

36

Now, tack aside, the wording might be a little helpfull. Especially if you haven’t seen Warren in a while. You think: Yay! I’m so happy for Warren! Now, what the hell do I get them for their wedding? (The proper answer is always “a chip and dip set”. For baby showers it’s always “a Lava lamp”. Now you know. You’re welcome.)

So, you may or may not know what they want or need, so they come right out and tell you. “We gots all the stuff we need. If you feel the need, just send cash.”

It’s not like they’re telling you the only denominations they accept. Since he’s a friend, I don’t think it money-grubbing, just a heads-up.

Of course I would feel different if they were hitting me up for cash, but that’s not my problem right now.

37

cowgirl wrote

There is absolutely no polite way to ask for cash, even optional cash. None. You’ve heard the answer several times now, and apparently didn’t notice the shocked stares from every other reader of this post when faced with someone who did just that. And you apparently haven’t read any other etiquette site cited here. So I’ll just put it bluntly:

If you ask anyone for a gift of any kind – especially a cash gift – and especially a request for a cash gift in a letter that should be an invitation to a joyous occasion – you will be mocked as the clods who asked swampbear have been mocked in this thread, and also by all of their other so-called friends. Society’s greatest punishment for non-polite people is embaressment and disdain.

38

The polite way, cowgirl?

There is no polite way. Simply send out the invitations and suck it up.

Honestly, asking for money or any other gift-is an etiquette no-no. Not a suggestion, like wearing white after Labor Day. But an iron-clad rule.

If someone asks what you want, you may say, “Well, nothing in particular-really, there’s nothing we really need.” But that’s it.

I GUARANTEE that if you ask for money or mention being in debt, you’ll offend a great many people. It’s shockingly rude. Also, if people are in such debt, then don’t have a large wedding and invite a lot of people.

I’m not being nasty, but that’s just the rule of good manners.

39

Thank you, Guinastasia. Taking everything down to the first level: A couple has decided to marry. They want their friends and loved ones to witness the ceremony.

If they are having trouble paying the rent, perhaps they should get a justice of the peace to officiate rather than blowing $20K on frou-frou stuff that looks tacky, anyway. A wedding (contrary to popular opinion) really shouldn’t be an extortion opportunity.

Just once I’d prefer to receive an invitation that was honest - “Hey, we’ve been living together for years but we don’t have the down payment for this big house we want, so we’re going to have a big wedding. We have 300 people on our list, and need $37,500.00 - please remit $125 in this enclosed envelope and mail it in. We’ll have a ‘money dance’ at the reception, too, in case you want to chip in for our hot tub”.

Tacky, tacky, tacky.

40

I don’t really see it as a faux pas, although I’d never do it myself.

See, the thing is–there are people who are hell-bent on buying gifts for occasions like this, whether the recipients want them or not. A note saying “please don’t buy us any gifts” doesn’t work on these people; they will buy something anyway. I have relatives like this.

In that situation, you often get people asking you what you want. They won’t take no for an answer (while I am not in the former group, I am in the latter).

If someone wants to give the newlyweds something, but wants them to actually LIKE it, a message like that can be a blessing. Those who aren’t particularly inclined to bring presents won’t anyway, and those who are will provide something that can be utilized rather than placed on a shelf.

Personally, I don’t think there’s any difference between asking for a tea set and asking for 20 bucks. But maybe that’s just me.