OK, if you’re like me and don’t get around to reading all the Weird Earls that are listed on the SD front page, this is one you must not miss: Americans for Purity
This is one of the funniest things I’ve read in years. Make sure you read the hate mail page - these people are seriously misanthropic.
HenrySpencer
Oh … my … god.
I just about peed my pants while reading that! … freaking hilarious!!
“We should teach our children that God did not give us genitals for entertainment.”
Good grief.
I noticed that they had almost no thoughts on female masturbation, other than that phallic objects seem to spark it. They have no clue, do they…
Apparently up to 5% of people don’t masturbate. I bet they just don’t admit to it.
The site is great, btw… I fear those people.
BWAAAHAHAHAH :D:D That reminds me of Landover Baptist.
You forgot mandatory clitoridectomies. They had a whole section on that. I seriously think the whole thing is way too over-the-top and must be a joke (and not a very funny one at that, but I am in ill humor tonight).
There are clues all over the place that it’s a joke (albeit an extremely evil one), but I wasn’t kidding when I said you have to read the hate mail - the comments about burning in the lake of fire, etc. Mighty stuff.
HenrySpencer
Either that, or they are extremely stupid. Linking to theonion.com to prove that Harry Potter is bad? Their links seem to show that the site is a joke. I bet the guy who wrote it masturbates to the hate mail. 
I am less than impressed with their biblical scholarship.
On the contrary, the point was that God slew him because Onan was not fulfilling his duty to his dead brother by providing the brother an heir. Instead of impregnating the widow, Onan was pulling out and spilling his seed on the ground. The lesson is, of course, to obey God. There’s no word on exactly why God slew the elder brother but the message is the same. God’s Law is not to be ignored.
( Whaddya mean it’s a joke site? I’m not buying it. )
I hope it it’s a joke, because:
a) I’m STILL laughing, and;
b) I’d hate to think this was an actual group with any form of legitimate voice.
Their initial statements are shallow and without foundation requiring leaps of fiath (hmmm…). Their biblical interpretation is loose at best. Then I got to their opinion on clitoridectomies and I was shocked. If it is a joke this probably took it too far.
Surely no one could take this seriously.
goes to offer up a prayer to that line but realises that God may not listen and may indeed slay him for having spilled seed. Decides it would be better not to grab God’s attention right now
[sup] no offence to Christians intended [/sup]
I’m still trying to figure out exactly how masturbation is supposed to affect your vision. Unless you are in the habit of squirting yourself in the eyes everytime you jack off.
A joke?
Well, their links page has links to the Chick Tracts site (“If you study this site in detail, some day you might know as much about Bible Theology as we do at AFP!”) and the Dihydrogen Monoxide webpage (“Read about the huge Conspiracy to put this insidious substance in everything we eat and drink!”)
What do you think?
“Certain food. If we outlaw dildos and require that all sausages, cucumbers and carrots be sold pre-sliced, we will make it much easier for the women among us to resist the temptation to Masturbate.”
Wow. Let me tell you, them sausages sure do the trick for me! :rolleyes:
HEY! That just might not be a bad id…I have to go to the market. 
Okay, but is this link off of the AFP site real? It’s for the Viriguard combination chastity belt and athletic supporter. The “directions for installation” include gems like:
“In case the young athlete develops an erection during this process, Purity Athletic provides a kit containing frightening medical instruments. Open the kit, being certain that the young athlete sees its contents. The collection of hypodermic needles, suture needles, surgical clamps, and urethral sounds in sterile packages will most likely cause him to lose his erection.”
and
“At this point, you may want to reassure the athlete that the viriguard is now permanently in place and that his genitals are now protected from all harm. You may reinforce this notion by slapping his Viriguard. You needn’t be gentle, for the Viriguard distributes the impact to the athlete’s pubic bone, protecting his genitals.”
(now that i look at the disclaimer at the bottom of the page, I see that it is a work of fiction, but it’s still DAMN funny…)
quote______________________________________________________ Reality:Theological experts on Masturbation have come to the conclusion that Masturbation is what is known as a “gateway” sin. This means that Masturbation leads to more serious offenses. In fact, practically all rapists, Sodomites, child molesters and pornography addicts started out as Masturbators.
And since practically all men are Masturbators…
And Masturbation is always capitalized, because of it’s importance.
JoeyHemlock, at the bottom of the Virigaurd page there is a disclaimer that clearly states it is a “work of fiction.”
Don’t be concerned.
And I didn’t read all of Joey’s post, did I.
LouisB with his face all red.
"This means outlawing such things as:
[John Wayne voice] They’ll take my vibrator when they pry it from my cold, dead hands. [/John Wayne voice]
The hate mail part is so funny I think I’m gonna split my side laughing! The reason I don’t think it’s at all legit is that the people involved didn’t even bother to register a real domain name- it’s a freebie Geocities page! Whoever did it gave ME a laugh, that’s for sure.
Zette
Sorry to post again right away, but DAMN that hate mail part is funny. The responses are the best- chock FULL of great sig lines:
God and I aren’t afraid of anyone on AOL.
You better wear light clothing to your funeral, because you’ll be going someplace warm!
But that Michelangelo was a gay Homosexual if there ever was one!
Imagine how much better your eyesight would be if you never masturbated.
(after a particularly graphic description of killing them all)
We assume this is an attempt to get us to have “cybersex” with you, right?
When you call someone an imbecile, it means a lot more if you spell it right.
We’ll just see how funny you think it is when you’re burning in the Lake of Fire!
::snort::
Zette
This is a joke right? Dear God, look what that whole free speech thing gets us. Oh well… Let them be idiots.