And you, Mr. Stoneman, are a freaking idiot for signing him. Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh.
Sign Finley!!! Eat Sele’s contract!!!
Huh? Who? Wha?
Looked pretty good tonight from over here in Birdland.
jinwicked, perhaps I can explain.
Aaron Helmer Sele is a professional baseball player presently employed with the Anaheim Angels, a franchise in the American League of Professional Baseball Clubs. Mr. Sele is a “pitcher.” It is his role on the team to deliver the ball to the opposing hitters in such a fashion as to prevent them from scoring runs.
Evidently it is Mr. Neurotik’s opinion that Mr. Sele “sucks.” Indeed, this opinion is not without considerable objective evidence in support of it. Thus far, Mr. Sele has pitched four games for the Anaheim team, and has emerged victorious on only one occasion. During his four contests Mr. Sele has surrendered eighteen runs in a total of eighteen innings pitched. In these four games Mr. Sele has also surrendered six home runs. By current performance standards this is indeed a deplorable level of performance. An average pitcher would customarily only allow half as many opposing players to score.
As a result of this substandard level of contribution from Mr. Sele, Mr. Neurotik is also displeased with the performance of Mr. William Stoneman, General Manager of Anaheim’s Americans. It is Mr. Stoneman’s duty to select and acquire, through the open market, trades, and player development, the players that will make up the Anaheim roster. Prior to the 2002 campaign, Mr. Stoneman chose to offer an employment contract to Mr. Sele for a not insubstantial sum of money; well over $7 million per season. Regrettably, this decision has not worked out for the Angels, as Mr. Sele’s performance has not been worth nearly this much money.
However, Mr. Neurotik is providing constructive advice. In advising Mr. Stoneman to “Eat Sele’s contract,” Mr. Neurotik is using a common baseball expression to suggest that Mr. Stoneman release Mr. Sele from his employment. While the Angels would remain obligated to Mr. Sele to pay him the remainder of his contract, it is presumably Mr. Neurotik’s considered opinion that the remaining funds owed constitute a sunk cost, and that the Angels would derive greater benefit from giving the roster assignment to a replacement pitcher.
Furthermore, Mr. Neurotik is apparently suggesting that Mr. Stoneman hire Charles Edward Finley, a pitcher who is currently unemployed. Mr. Finley was in the employ of the Angels club for many years before joining the Cleveland club in 2000. Presumably Mr. Neurotik feels that Mr. Finley’s performance would be superior to that of Mr. Sele. Again, this position is supported by objective evidence, for Mr. Finley’s efforts last year with the National League club in St. Louis strongly suggest that he remains a capable player.
I trust I have been helpful.
NO, No, No. We do not want Finley. If we sign him we must give up a first round pick. Not worth it. We would be better trading for a younger pitcher than someone who will retire at the end of the year.
I agree Sele should be released or put into the bullpin. We could call up someone from the minors and do just as good. Sele didn’t even make the playoff roster last year. Bootcheck or Turnbow is about ready to hit the bigs, so why don’t we just call them.
Plus could Figgins quit making baserunning blunders. Also, Owens has sure been a flop, we have had to call up Devannon to get the needed defense in center field.
But the worse thing Stoneman could do would be to make a trade with the Evil Empire who has inflated the value of their minors. But the Tigers have some good young arms that maybe we can steal.
deb
Neurotik, I’ll trade you the Cardinals bullpen for Aaron Sele.
The easy way around that is to sign him after the draft next week. After the draft, any team can sign Finley without having to compensate the Cardinals.
cardsfan1975
Oh. I hate baseball.
HEATHEN!!!
Helmer? What kind of middle name is Helmer?
Here’s my handy-dandy fixit. Wait a few weeks and then sign Finley. Trade Bootcheck or Turnbow (maybe another middling prospect) to Minnesota in return for Cuddyer or Kielty. Play Cuddyer or Kielty in center until Erstad comes back, then move him to right and move Salmon to DH. Fullmer goes to first. Spiezio goes back on the bench where he belongs. Maybe platoon him, I dunno.
Washburn is doing what I expect, Lackey should be better. Ortiz is schizo so who knows? Maybe we can trade him for a more consistent arm, but I doubt it. Appier should maybe be better, too, but he’s been flirting with collapse for a few seasons now. Sele should be taken behind the woodshed and put out of my misery.
And Stoneman should be fired. I don’t know who should take his place, but Stoneman is not really great at his job. Arrrrgh. Stand pat during the summer, my ass.
Not much of a dynasty there. Stings getting spanked by the sorry-ass O’s…
Damn right. They can keep him in the rotation for as long as they want.
Having now won three games in a row, however, the Orioles must be about due for another string of losses. Still, at least we’re getting some offense out of these guys for once.
I think he meant they should sign Charles O. Finley. 
Maybe, but I had a delightful time watching them knock the Yankees and Red Sox silly.
Not expecting a dynasty, just competitiveness.
Sele is a sensitive soul, who can perform adequately when nothing is expected of him, but crumbles under the pressure when actually asked to win. That’s why Boston gave up on him, for instance. It’s unfair to put him in Anaheim when he’d do fine in Baltimore just like he did in Texas and Kansas City, for instance.
The preceding, of course, is Latin for “he fucking sucks”, like the OP says.
Neurotik what do you think you are doing? Don’t go suggesting we give away some very good prospects, who probably will have a great major league future, for a temporary fix. The Angels have finally gotten their minor league system into good shape (per baseball-primer.com they are in the top 10).
The Angels are small market and cannot afford high price players so the only way to go is to raise them ourselves. They also have a GREAT 1st baseman who is expected to be in the bigs next year(Casey Kotchman) and Spiezio’s contract is up at the end of the year. Have you not learned anything from the Oakland A’s grasshopper?
deb
I don’t mean to veer this off into another direction, but if the Angels are “Small market,” up is down and left is right. The Angels are in the second largest market in North America.
If they have done a poor job grasping that market, that’s their fault. But they are not a small market team.
They are small market as Oakland is small market. I guess it would be better to say that owners are cheap in both cases. Although the jury is still out on Arte since he just took over last week, but Eisner’s Disney was sure penny penching poor excuses for sports ownership.
Alright, a minor hijack, here. I don’t know what it is, but just reading the names in this paragraph, you know that this is about baseball.
These are BASEBALL names!
Does anyone have any idea what I’m talking about?
Didn’t you write for the Reach Guides back at the turn of the last century?
Zev Steinhardt