Don’t worry, Eve. Never give up your dream of someday riding the train. 
faithfool: Well, I thought it was wise anyway. And your positive attitude is inspiring. Here’s hoping we both find some peace with the way things are.
CrazyCatLady: Your life actually sounds pretty nice. Good for you for appreciating it.
Siege: Happy belated birthday, and I’m glad things are going so much better for you lately. I think what happens is we get so attached to these intricate crystalline images of the way we wish things were. I hope I can remain open to unexpected good things in my own life, like you have done.
OK. That was pretty good.
Well, cuauhtemoc, I lived through child abuse, clueless parenting, drug abuse, homelessness, joblessness, poverty, people stealing everything I managed to own, more than once, including theft by “religious” organizations, and a bunch of other shit, and I thought at 37 that it wasn’t going to get any better. I was preparing to grow old alone, and to die without anything of note ever happening to me.
Then, as a result of my hobby, a woman came into my life. She was better than I could have possibly hoped for, and I left Canada and came down here to marry her, after a two-year long-distance courtship. Now I have that sense of normalcy in my life that I always dreamed about having. I live in a house, as opposed to a hostel or a rooming house. I have a job doing what I always wanted to do - it just came available one day, at the time when I was coming to the end of my rope with the job before it. Despite some hardships at work caused by other people and their massive egos, I have outlasted a staff and a half. Now there is reason to believe that I may become more indispensible to the company, and get to stay here, with benefits.
I’ve been married for 6 1/2 years. It’s going fine. For the first time in my life, I am under no stress of any kind. I think that’s because I never completely gave up on the dream of having that normalcy I mentioned. I sucked at making it happen on my own, and I had no support network or anything. Happiness wasn’t forthcoming from any of the usual sources. It took my wife happening to me to make me want to be worthy of the kind of life I lead now. I wasn’t looking when it happened, it just sort of visited itself upon me. I recognized a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity when I saw it, and I grabbed onto it for all I was worth. And it is all working out. Ten years ago, if you could have described to me what I’d be doing today, I would have told you that you were completely insane. Sorry to use such a well-worn cliche, but I am living proof that a) you shouldn’t give up, b) sometimes, you are right, and c) good things come to those who wait.
Don’t abandon the dreams you have of normalcy. Everybody wants that. It can happen for you. Give up the impractical dreams, of the stuff that is so unlikely to happen to you that it’s pointless to waste the energy to want it. Go for normal.
Yeah, nice pretty much sums it up. It’s nothing spectacular, though, and it’s certainly not what I’d had planned. I had lots of plans, you know. I was gonna be CrazyCatLady, DVM, and have my own mixed practice (horses, dogs, and cats, mostly, with a handful of cattle or pocket pets thrown in for variety) in rural Kentucky (close enough to nip down to my parents’ for the weekend fairly regularly, but far enough away to have some breathing room). We were going to live in a big rambling farmhouse with eleventy billion dogs and cats and a couple of horses and watch the sunset and have romantic candlelight dinners most nights.
This job, this place, this situation–none of it was in the plan. I could have spent a whole lot of time and energy fussing and fretting and pissing and moaning about it not being in the plan, and trying to wrestle things back in line with the plan. But that would have robbed me of my nice life, because my head and heart would be in such a state that this would be a miserable, shitty life. That would have been a damn shame, too, because there’s a lot of good to be found in this job, this place, and this situation.
In a way, I think it’s a damned lucky thing the plan didn’t pan out. If it had, I probably would have spent years fretting over the little shit that wasn’t conforming to the plan. No matter what I had, it most likely wouldn’t have been enough. As it stands, though, I’ve had to learn to seperate the important stuff from the stuff that would be nice. I’ve had to learn how to have enough. It’s been something of a crash couse, and it’s not always been pleasant, but I’m grateful to have learned this while I’m still young. Now, no matter where we are or what we do, I have the capacity to have a nice life. That beats the shit out of the plan.
“The future is whatever you make it – so make it a good one!”
–Doc Brown, Back to the Future: Part 3
There’s no point in mourning any “lost” dreams when the time and the energy can be better spent building a better tomorrow.
Holy crap.
Note to self: Never, ever turn 30…
On the one hand, harbouring unattainable dreams does sort of set you up for disappointment, but on the other hand, if you don’t actually reach beyond your known limits, what you will actually achieve will most often fall somewhat short of your full potential.
Amen fishbicycle. Normal is wonderful, and woefully underrated. I think I have my new motto. 
I appreciate the thoughtful responses. I’m coming to the realization that I have to learn to “go for normal” as fishbicycle and ggurl said. It’s going to be a struggle to figure out what my “normal” is, but it has to be easier than figuring out what Paradise is.
The weird thing is, I don’t even have any concrete “dreams” in the sense you normally think of them. There’s nothing in particular I want that I can’t have. I don’t have any driving professional ambitions, I’m not pining for a serious relationship, there’s no “thing” I’m chasing. I just look at life and think “It’s not enough”. But it has to be enough. I have to learn how to make it enough.
Do you know what it is about your life that isn’t enough? Is it something you can put your finger on, or is it just some vague feeling that it ought to be different somehow? The concrete stuff is easy, relatively speaking, because you can see a clearly defined way to do something about it, but the vague dissatisfaction with life can be a real bitch.
Is it maybe that you’re going through a depressive episode because you’re between jobs? That kind of stuff can really play hell with your mindset. Or maybe you’re feeling in a rut. I get that way sometimes–I get up and feed the critters and clean the house and go to work and come home and feed the critters and clean the house and go to bed so I can get up and do it all again. Everything seems dull and gray and thoroughly blah, and I think to myself, “This is all there is? What a fucking ripoff!” What I really hate about those spells is that they make me feel so damned old. I’m 28. I’m too young to feel that old.
If that’s the issue, there’s lots of stuff you can do to shake things up a bit. Try some food you’ve never had, or wear something you normally wouldn’t wear, or just go do something you never tried before. You probably aren’t up for changing your hair color, which is something I do from time to time. (Helpful hint–when the box says “intense ruby red” that’s is NOT advertising hyperbole. OTOH, there’s nothing like walking around looking like the love child of Strawberry Shortcake and Ronald McDonald to make you perfectly happy to go back to the old color.) You mentioned needing to focus on other people more; maybe you should volunteer somewhere while you’re looking for a new job?
And if it’s not something you can put your finger on or improve on your own, maybe once you find a job and your benefits kick in you should talk to someone. Counselors are trained to help us figure out why we feel the things we do, so maybe that would help.
If you haven’t already, you might want to read What Color is Your Parachute by Richard N. Bolles (who also wrote How to Find Your Mission in Life).
“The world is like a new suit of clothes; if it doesn’t fit, make alterations!” – Silverado 
No. I keep thinking I do. I find something “wrong” with my life and say “That’s it! I just have to fix this and all will be well!” Then I get on it, put all my energy into it, and finally “fix” it, and then I’m disappointed to find the vague dissatisfaction is still there. And by that time I’ve “fixed” something that may not have been broken in the first place. I’ve done that several times in my life. It’s really frustrating.
Thanks for the advice, CCL. Volunteering would be a great idea, I’m sure. If I lived near you I’d ask if you needed any help with the animals. As for the counselling, I’ve been to professionals in the past, been on medications, the whole bit, and I don’t think I need any of that now. What I need is to grow up and face life as it is. That means appreciating what I have. And not dreaming up problems for myself to solve in hopes that everything will magically become perfect in the process.
Remember that life is a work in progress.
Like CrazyCatLady I differentiate between dreams and fantasies. Paradise is, IMHO, a fantasy. Finding a partner that is perfect for you in every way is a fantasy.
Prince charming came along when I was trying to avoid committment. And he’s not a prince and he’s not always charming and he has some habits and mannerisms that make me crazy, but he’s as close to the perfect mate for me as I could hope to come. He’s also my third husband so you can see that it took me a while to figure the whole thing out.
The trick is to recognize where your dreams intersect with reality. Some people do that better than others.
Go ahead and mourn your fantasies for a while. Wallow. It gets it out of your system and frees your mind for more constructive thoughts. I think you’ll be surprised at how much you have and have accomplished once you get over this bump.
Good luck
OP, no calling at age 30? After college, my jobs included: Banker, Pizza Guy, Chimney Sweep, Vacuum Cleaner Sales Guy, Lawnmower Man, Auto Mechanic, Music Store Clerk, Bucket Factory Worker (that was the worst), Airport Ramp Service, Technical Editor, Bar Tender. Then I turned 27, was depressed & unemployed. Too broke to buy brandy for 6 months and finally joined The Army for 4 years. Got out just in time and have been Insurance Guy ever since (Insurance guy entails: agency sales, Life Insurance underwriting (right up there with the bucket factory), Agency Trainer, Claims Guy). I’ll probably be a claims guy for another 3 or 4 years before I make another move. The paisley work history has made me fantastic at what I do. You’va a calling, you just don’t know what it is. Stop looking for it, get your bills paid, and do a job that’s FUN as opposed to Lucrative.
Chicks that matter dig a guy who smiles and is secure with himself as opposed to one that’s got a BMW and a mortgage. You’re not burdened with a chick yet–this is a blessing. You’re not secure with yourself yet, and you’ll just get yourself hurt unless you’re really lucky. Make friends, take your time. It’s not like you’re staring down 40 yet. A LOT can happen in a very short time. KINKS on marriage: “When the sex wears off, it’s all give and take, and it’s goodbye to all your dreams.”
Paradise? Depends on your angle. Climb into my head for a second. Comfy? yeah…ignore him–he’s a troublemaker that one is. Paradise is an illusion, just as is Hell. Everything around you, any event that happens around you, is impersonal. YOU are the only thing in your universe that assigns meaning to anything else. There are conditions that stimulate your senses in a pleasing way–that’s not paradise, that’s a distraction. Paradise is a state of mind. When you are OK with everything because you realize that, in its indifference to you, everything is OK with you. That’s as good as it gets. By mouring a “dream” to the contrary, you are simply realizing that you have only focused on the pleasant side of a reality, and been ignorant of its necessary corresponding ugliness. Seek balance. Not actively, just watch for it. Everywhere.
To put it simply: Start over today. Live TODAY. Look at things–people, ducks, cars…ponder what exactly each thing is and what it means–what it’s apparent function is. You’re not abandoning dreams, you’re waking up from what you’ve been told to want. Be grateful you’re not waking up to this in the midst of a house, wife, kids, dog, job, car, massive financial “obligations” etc. All you really own–all you can EVER own, is your ability to draw breath.
Oh, so you’re looking for the elusive magic pill. Ain’t no magic pills, baby, but then you already know that.
Go on and wallow about the fact that there are no magic pills for a bit–but just a short bit. Then get up, wash up, put on one of your nicer outfits that you hardly ever wear, and make yourself a list of 10 things you like about your life. It’s fine if you have more than that, but you have to have at least 10. I don’t care if you have to put in comments about the color of your bedspread and the texture of your bathtowels to pad the list out. Just make the list and keep it around where you can look at it regularly. Add to it as things occur to you. It doesn’t work for everyone, but some folks find that this helps to focus them on the positives in their lives and help them appreciate what they’ve got.
The way you say it sounds so defeated. You have the right idea, but you seem to have no concept of how wonderful that can be!
First, forget age. It means nothing.
At 29 I quite unexpectedly became involved in a trans-Atlantic fairytale romance that was not to be completely resolved for 25 years. The story would make a novel.
I celebrated my 30th birthday watching the sunrise while I danced on the beach – terribly glad to be just that age.
When I was 41, I met and later married my match. At first we were obsessed with each other and then we learned how to love. That was almost 20 years ago, and I still can’t wait until he wakes up in the morning.
Last April, for the first time in over thirty years, I got back on a plane and flew to Paris for two weeks. I had thought I was afraid of flying. But it was the only way to get to Paris, so I decided not to be afraid anymore.
Just this Thanksgiving, I learned I’m about to become a mother! My step-daughter that I have come to love so much is going to allow me to adopt her. I will truly have a daughter and the grandchildren I have loved since birth will become my legal and true grandchildren.
My oldest friend, someone I have known since she was six and I was five, just got engaged. She is 62. He is 69. They’ve known each other for 15 years. It will be the first marriage for both of them.
My widowed mother will be 92 in January. At Christmas she is going on a little trip with her boyfriend who lives next door in assisted care.
She says, and I believe it, that we are always the same age inside.
Living in the moment means finding beauty around you and taking time to sense it. It means focusing and learning how to celebrate and indulge yourself.
Is there anything that you do that you enjoy so much that you lose track of the time? If so, that may be your best clue about a direction to follow. If you can earn a living from it, that’s all the better.
Imagine what kind of place you think that you might like to find yourself living in. When you are feeling better about yourself, places that fit that description may feel more comfortable to you. But until you are at peace with yourself, no place will feel like home.
I hope that you will reconsider seeing someone about the possibility of low grade chronic depression. Even when you have had depression before, it is very easy not to recognize it when it comes again because one’s judgment is impaired. (That has happened to me and I just didn’t see it.)
No matter what, you must understand that what you are feeling is not permanent. You don’t have to give up anything good. You are awakening!
What I had to say could’ve been said in a happy, victorious tone, or a bitter, defeated tone. Victory and defeat are just veils we drape over reality. I chose the bitter tone because this is essentially a rant. In fact, it’s the rant, the only rant that’s every been ranted. “Things are not the way I dream them to be. Fuck.” I’m not quite used to the idea yet, and I’m still mourning the loss of some possibilities. But I admire the way you appreciate your life, Zoe, even though I’m sure it didn’t turn out exactly like you planned. I hope I can learn to have peace like that.
That’s a really good way to put it, Inigo. Nice post.
I am six years younger then the OP and I have similar feelings myself sometimes. I had a lot of dreams when I was in high school and college. I wanted to travel the world, swim in all the oceans and watch the sun rise from a different monument on each birthday. I was going to meet an exotic man in Paris or Milan and have a whirlwind romance before settling in New York or San Francisco to write books about my exploits.
At twenty I had a nervous breakdown and had to move back home. I was in a deep, dark depression living with an abusive father and a mother too stressed out to help me with my problems. I worked at an ice cream parlor while all my friends lived it up in college and my brother worked at his dream job. I thought I would never be happy again.
Three years later I live in my own house with my two best friends and half a dozen cats. I’ve never been to Milan and I’ve only swum on the Pacific and the Atlantic. But on my twenty third birthday I stood on a ladder and painted my living room sky blue. I work as an office manager. I don’t love it but it pays the mortgage while I work on my first novel. There’s been no exotic man or whirlwind romance and during this holiday season, with all my friends attatched I feel myself toeing the edge of that deep depression. I think sometimes I’m always going to be alone.
I pull myself back from that edge, oddly enough, by thinking about those old dreams. If my life had went the way I’d planned I wouldn’t have cooked dinner for ten on Thanksgiving. I wouldn’t have my cat Gaia, whom I adore more then any passport stamp. And I wouldn’t have my own library in my own house, with bookshelves to the ceiling. I didn’t take the path I chose, but I don’t know if that path would have taken me anywhere I wanted to go.
I’ve borrowed my life motto from JRR Tolkein, “Not all who wander are lost.” When I signed the lease on my first apartment I got a tattoo that said “I am not lost” in Latin. I may have wandered a lot in my young life, but I see now I was never really lost.
cuauhtemoc I hope you can find some wisdom in this ramble. I know I’m not as old or experienced as others in this thread (or you, for that matter) but I’ve been where you are more times then I’d like to count. I know that aching dissatisfaction that seems to consume and taint everything you do. I hope you can find things that make you happy and perhaps merely update your dreams, rather then abandon them totally. And a birthday is just another day to find joy in little things. Like cake 