(this is an original article which I wrote not long ago. It’s very weird. I hope some of you enjoy it, if only in a clinical sense. 
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I appreciate your interest in becoming one of the voices in my head, but before we continue, I feel we need to set a few ground rules.
Firstly, and most importantly, no constantly exhorting me to kill people and/or burn things. For one thing, it won’t work. I may be eccentric and my connection to the so-called “real world” might sometimes be a tad tenuous, I am basically sane and rational, and therefore, unlikely to develop a sudden liking for antique daggers or my grandfather’s World War II-era Zippo lighter just because some raspy demonic voice keeps saying “They all must pay” or “cleanse it with the flame”.l
Also, as you would learn quite quickly that anything like a career in murder or arson would require a degree of drive, organization, and follow-through that I clearly lack. Ditto stalking people. I’m far more likely to just sit around thinking about it, and be quite content with that. So if you’re that kind of voice, I’m sorry, but I doubt either of us would find the relationship satisfactory. No doubt you will find some heavily abused psychotic with a strict religious upbringing to torment, and you’ll both be very happy together. You’ll have someone to goad and torment, and he’ll have someone to invest all his negative emotions into, and hence avoid having to “own” them or accept responsibility for the no doubt heinous acts that will follow. If so, Godspeed, and good luck.
Secondly, no pretending to be people I know and/or people from my past. For one thing, all the voices in my head are already people I know and/or people from my past, and therefore they’re not going to take kindly to some Johnny-come-lately horning in on their gig. And trust me, the last thing I want is a head full of pouty, bitchy voices having long emo arguments like a bunch of drag queens before a show in my head. Plus, I’ve had he same set of voices in my head for decades now (hence the craigslist post to which you replied), and so I will immediately know if one of them sounds a bit “off”, and that will just lead to a very awkward “inner dialogue” scene that neither of us would enjoy.
Lqstly, and I hate to have to bring this up, but after certain instances involving casinos, blackjack, and prostitutes, I must now insist that all the voices in my head be liscenced, registered, and bonded. It wounds me to have to introduce such stiff formalities into what is meant to be possibly the most intimate of relationships, but past experiences with other voices have forced me to become highly cognizant of the need for very clear lines of liability in order to avoid furture legal complications. I still can’t get a credit card.
So now you might be thinking, well what can I do as a voice in your head? That’s a good question, and the aswer is that your duties would mostly be the standard ones for head-inhabiting voices, including but not limited to things like :
Constant criticism, undermining of confidence, and second-guessing of my every thought, motive, and emotion. This is the main job of all the voices in my head, and while the current voices are doing a fine job of it, you can appreciate that with a job of this scale, more help is always appreciated. The current voices can quickly educate you on all the time-honored, proven weakness in my psyche, and pretty soon you’ll be filling me with doubt and fear and crippling my ability to fulfill my ambitions with the rest of them.
The sudden and highly distracting insertion of bizarre, disturbing, and/or inappropriate and shameful thoughts and images into my stream of conciousness at the worst possible moments. This is a particularly popular diversion for my current crop of mental inhabitants, and while the most common source of fun is thoughts of a lurdly sexual nature, much hay has been made from such things as horrifically morbid thoughts, completely tasteless yet hilarious humour, and of course, sudden facsinating psychological or phillosophical insights which entirely derail my train of thought and make people wonder why I spaced out all of a sudden.
And last but not least, you will of course become part of the many bulges, contours, and ridges of my highly warped and outre mental landscape, and thus contribute to the strange and unwordly perspective that makes it so hard for me to truly relate to others.
As you can see, it’s good, honest work, perhaps lacking in glamour and excitement, but offering good work at an honest wage, and as many of my curent voices can attest, a very good chance of advancement and promotion to full-time, permanent work.
If you remain interested in the position, please fill out of the attached form and submit it no later than next Friday. You will be informed of my decision by the following Monday. A valid SIN is not required, but if you cannot provide one, you will need to provide your absolute coordinates in the inter-mind subdimension for future identification.
Good luck in your application, and who knows. Perhaps your voice will be among the ones depriving me of sleep and tormenting me with memories of past failures in the very near future!
Glad you liked it.