If you are reading this now, it means that I am dead. Or maybe it means that you are cheating and reading this thread when you shouldn’t be, shame on you.
In any event I’ll assume you have a rudimentary intelligence and are capable of following directions and that you didn’t just open this thread because it looked interesting and you were bored even though you knew I was still alive.
You wouldn’t do that. What kind of worthless scum would desecrate a man’s grave? Not you, that’s for sure. You wouldn’t defile a man’s final wishes. that would be beneath contempt. Clearly then, you’re a person of integrity. I know because you’re not reading this.
It’s a privilege to be talking with a person of such integrity, even from beyond the grave. I feel I can trust you and tell you things. So I will. I know that it’s ok, because you’re not reading this because I’m still alive.
Ok, so I’m dead. How did it happen?
Well, I’ve always strongly felt that a normal death was not for me, so I’ll be really disapointed if I shuffled off this mortal coil vale of tears existence by getting sick and dying, or killed in some mundane accident.
As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure that it didn’t happen that way.
Some people have Deja Vu. Which is the feeling that something has happened before. I once had Presque Vu which is the feeling that something hasn’t happened yet.
Specifically I had Presque Vu when I got burned as a kid. It felt like it was going to be something that happened again. While I’m completely skeptical about such paranormal things, I’m also completely sure that this feeling is correct.
You may scoff at this seeming contradiction and think the less of me, but consider that I’m speaking to you with athority from beyond the grave and show a little respect. On the other hand, if you’re simply reading this now while I’m still alive, what business does a worthless slug who can’t even follow directions and wait 'till a guy is dead before pillaging his posts have talking shit about anybody else?
I probably died very heroically. I ran into a burning building and saved a bunch of kids or pulled a woman out of an exploding car. Maybe I saved a woman who was being attacked but ended up getting shot.
I’ll bet if you’re one of those people who disagreed with me in another thread or gave me shit or called me names you feel pretty bad about it no, don’t you? I’ll bet you would have been a lot nicer if you’d have known I was going to be some big hero. If you are one of those people who called me names or disagreed with me, and you’re despoiling my death thread by reading it early in violation of good taste, well, all I can say is that this action of yours confirms the low opinion I had of you.
So, seeing as I’ve died a hero, let me say a few words, pass on my wisdom and such.
Aww shucks, it wasn’t such a big thing. Anybody would have done the same thing. I’m just glad I was there to fight off that band of Al Qaeda funded rogue elephants that attacked the Catholic preschool, and was glad that my Herculean strength, endurance, boundless willpower and cosmic intellect was on hand to save the day.
It was the least I could do.
Acquit yourself as well, and I’ll see you in Valhalla.
Just to be safe, it’s probably important that I consider alternate possibilities. It is conceivable though remote that I may die in an act of stupidity.
It’s like that recent thing Cecil wrote about quicksand
It’s all very sane and reasonable. If you fall into quicksand, don’t struggle. You’ll reach equilibrium and stop sinking and then you can float out. If you read that you probably feel very smug and confident now that you understand quicksand and what to do. I am not so sanguine.
If and when I fall into quicksand, I have no doubt that it will be headfirst. Note that our hero Cecil’s philosophical musings on the subject really aren’t especially helpful in that eventuality, are they?
“Well look! Cecil was right! I stopped sinking, and my feet are well above the waterline! Gee, that’s great! ::gurgle gurgle choke choke::”
I don’t imagine that I will fall into quicksand feet first, because that’s not the way people fall. Typically when I fall, it’s headfirst. I put my hand in front of me to stop my fall. In quicksand this just makes a splash and I drop into the water headfirst following my hands.
Now I’m starting to get pissed. I can just see it happening that way. And here I’ve been hanging out on the board reading Cecil’s drivel for three years, and now I’m going to die in quicksand because the sage putz didn’t bother to think about how it is that people fall into quicksand.
Listen up, pal. If you fall feet first, you haven’t fallen. You’re still on your feet. If you fall you fall facefirst, and reaching an equilibrium where you stop sinking doesn’t do any good if you’re head is under the quicksand! Why did I ever listen to you?
You’re advice didn’t save my life, it simply made my body easier to retrieve.
Thanks a lot. Good luck with your next book! Why don’t you stick to pigeon bobbing, and leave the life or death questions to those with actual quicksand experience? Oh wait, they all choked to death trying to float upside down. Great!
I might also go by plugging myself into something by accident, or using one of my power tools or some household appliance, or in some other silly and embarassing fashion.
Assuming that that happens somebody try to make it sound funny:
I just hope I don’t go like my college friend. He liked extreme sports and was into skydiving. He took me for my first and only jump. He died recently practicing a jump with a friend. They collided in mid-air while jumping and never opened their chutes.
Sad, pointless and tragic. Not even funny. If I can’t be a hero I hope I at least get a joke or a good story about it.