Drowning the Peruvian

4 years or so ago, I’m coerced into going to my Wife’s Aunt’s annual sleepover pool party (one day I must really talk about my wife’s family in detail.) Not only that I have to take my sister-in-law, the Ton of Fun along with us.

My Sister-in-law is the The Ton of Fun because she weighed 300 pounds and is the most thoroughly unpleasant and despicable person I’ve ever met in my entire life. She’s always dour and complains about everything. Everything in her life is wrong, and none of it’s her fault. I have no sympathy for her weight problem as she’s a human garbage disposal, eating nearly as much as I do. Later the Ton got a boyfriend, and the couple was collectively known as Two Tons of Fun. She scheduled a stomach bypass on the day my wife’s caesarian was scheduled and begged my wife’s parents to stay with her instead of visiting us on the day our daughter was born. I will always hate her for the pain this caused my wife. Anyway, the point is she’s only 150 pounds or so now, so I don’t know what to call her any more. I just settle for “ex-Ton.”

I’m not making this stuff up.

So we drive to the Aunt’s house, and The Ton is complaining about the air conditioning and wanting to stop every few miles and cutting horrendous eye-burning farts in the back seat, ruining the gas mileage of our vehicle, and otherwise spoiling what would be quality time with the wife.

She tags along as we arrive and ensures we never have any time together. It’s early afternoon, and we get in the pool.

At this point, it’s important to note that Scylla is an aquatic sea-monster. He has always been one with the water. PE was required in College, and Scylla took 8 semesters of Progressive Scuba courses. He worked as a diver (on a treasure hunter, not as fun as you think,) and loves to free-dive. Scylla once held his breath for four minutes and two seconds while actively swimming.

Now, there’s this Peruvian guy, we’ll call him Rick. He’s the husband of one of Mrs Scylla’s like nine aunt’s, working on his fourth marriage, and green card. He’s brought his kids from a previous marriage with him, and the boys are all mid-teens, and bad kids. Fun party, huh?

There’s a lot of horseplay in the pool, and Rick is playing impromptu tag with some of the females. He grabs them and throws them so they splash, demonstrating his Latino machismo (which is just stupid, as somebody could crack their head on the edge of the pool,) he pulls them under and dunks them, and is otherwise acting like a general ass. He’s had a beer or two.

The Ton reports to me that he’s also copping feels as he does this. I laugh.

Then, he cops a feel on Mrs Scylla as he dunks her. She is pissed, and pushes him in the face and swims away.

Things settle down, but later I notice him doing it again to a barely pubescent girl.

In the immortal words of Popeye, “I’ve had all I can stands, and I can’t stands no more!”

I look at Rick, and smile to let him know I’m going to dunk him. I’m in the game. He smilers back and starts swimming for the deep end. He’s bigger than I, and not worried.

I take a double lungfull of breath and go beneath the surface. Using my legs, I propel off the wall and streak like a torpedo towards the deep end, threading my way through the legs of my wife’s relatives.

After my initial push, I travel slowly along the bottom and sides to lose myself in the crowd. Rick is by himself in the deep end, treading water and looking for me.

I have taken a minute or so in my travels and am now at the bottom of the deep end wall.

I crouch and curl, stretching my arms up as the theme from Jaws goes through my head.

Then, with all the strength in my legs I push off the bottom and rocket towards the surface. I pull my arms down increassing my momentum.

Like an avenging God I break through the pee-filled waters 3 feet behind the titgrabber, my momentum carries half my body out of the water. I suck in another lungfull as I reach the top of my arc. Rick spins in the water, and there is a look of primal fear in his face as I crash on top of him with a predator’s leer. He struggles like a flounder as my arms encircle him, and my legs trained by countless hours of Scuba propel us both to the bottom.

I hold him in a grip I learned to carry a panicked swimmer to rescue (Yeah, I know I kind of perverted the purpose here,) in one hand as the other encounters the filter grate, and locks in.

Rick the Peruvian is now completely fucked.

As his lungs start to burn he begins to struggle in earnest, but it is no use. As part of Scylla’s training, Scylla had to “drown” in a pool under controlled circumstances. These circumstances are not as ideal, but I feel I’m in control, and it’s worth the risk as he’s a total scumbag. Anyway, I’m familiar with the process of drowning, and know what to expect.

"Buuuuhhhhhuuuubbbuuuurble!!!" cries Rick.
“Blub, blub, blub,” I snicker.

Finally he goes into a convulsion of sheer panic as his arms windmill. He’s seconds away from breathing water. I release the filter and shoot to the surface depositing the coughing and gasping Peruvian at the side of the pool.

I lean in close to his ear.

“Don’t grab tits.”

Drowning the Peruvian

Please tell me that I was not the only poster who thought that this was a euphamism for polishing the bishop…

Anyway…good show Scylla…

Grabbing my own is still ok though, right? :smiley: Great OP Scylla.

and… beagledave: I think you may be on your own with that one… :wink:

Don’t worry beagledave, I thought it was a reference to that to until I saw it was a post by Scyalla (My favourite poster}.

At leas I haven’t been called Sciatica yet. :wink:

You are a hero mate. I’m impressed, and a little envious.

I actually checked the thread because I thought it was about that exotic pube-shaving thing that jarbabyj is keen on. It was better.

However needless it might be to say it, I’d like to add that holding somebody underwaer against their will is an incredibly stupid and dangerous thing to do.

Don’t try this.

You need to write a book chronicling your adventures (and misadventures), it’ll be a hit!

Thanks for the laughs, you must be a fun guy to be married to.

May I be the FIRST! We don’t know each other Scyla, but I’ve followed your posts for a while now…

This post makes you look like an asshole. I’m sorry I looked at it.

  1. I thought it was about Flogging the Dolphin too.

  2. Scylla’s posts are alays a must read.

  3. I still need a Nazi Groundhog update.

Why does this make him look like an asshole ehh? I don’t think so buddy. He was giving this asshole a taste of his own medicine. Now had he not known what he was doing yeah he would have been an ass but Scylla ain’t stupid and he did know what he was doing. I would have just pulled the asshole out of the pool told him not to grab anymore tits or his ass is gonna get the crap knocked out of it. He has alot more self control than me.

And Tiki’s nicer than I am. I would have kneed the jerk in the jewels hard enough to make his mama cry and when he doubled over-as is required-I would have whacked my knee with his face.

Scylla, Bravo.

Hehe that’d be a site to see. Maybe they should just send sex offenders to us. First let Scylla do his bit with’em then give’em to me for a little smacking around then send’em finally to Arden for a little bit of testicular rearrangement. Well maybe not but it’d still be funny.

Maybe I’ve given Scyla more credit than was due, but I’m offended by most of his post re: Ton of Fun and Ton of Fun Too. The bragadacio in the following paragraphs. Is there anyone that this particular post doesn’t put down? One of us needs to re-read it…It’s probably me, I’ve been out tonight, but I would bet it’s going to look the same to me tomorrow. And this was all four years ago?

You Scylla, are the greatest.

I have no sympathy for the Peruvian at all. Grown women can handle themselves usually, but when he starts groping pre-pubecent girls, he crossed the line and he got what he paid for. Scylla, the guy is lucky he didn’t get worse.
Ahhh, the predator in all of us.

The worst that I have ever seen was a hulking seventeen year old wrestler that enjoyed picking on some of the smaller females in one of my classes, in about six feet of water he would grab the girls and hold them under until they really started to struggle, let them up for some air and then do it again…
The instructor didn’t give a damn because he was a pig and thought it was funny.

I got pissed.
Let me just say I am a big girl, relatively slow on land, but in the water I am a just a big fish… For some reason this guy thought fat meant weak.
Mistake… big mistake…
I splashed water at his face and when he turned to me I gave a scared little yelp and swam away, luring him to the diving well.
I “let” him catch me and boy was he suprised when I squirmed around behind him and wrapped my big ol’ thighs around his legs and grabbed him around the middle pinning his arms at his sides… he thrashed and squirmed and tried to get free as we started to sink . then he decided to get nasty, my hair is damn long and had floated around to where he could grab it, so he did, and feebly pulled on it.
I smiled to myself as I now felt free to loose my primal urges and in calm retort I let one hand go and reached down the front of his trunks, grabbed a hunk of hair, and yanked.

The fool screamed.


I had to drag him to the surface where he could vomit up the chlorine, have a good cry, and nurse his aching crotch.
I gave the rest of the girls the hair as a present. We kept it on the wall of the locker room for some time.

How did you drown under controlled conditions Scylla?
I await your answer holding my breath…

bare, go read some of scylla’s other stuff - like the thread he did about his hands.

Scylla, as one who has been the unprotected pubescent victim of a grody groper, I thank you from the bottom of my heart.


I see your point. It does make me look like a bit of an ass, and a braggart. No offense taken.

Like most human beings, I am not always completely wise or humble. Perhaps it would have been better if I’d left out the stuff about my sister-in-law, but to me they are entwined, so I write it that way. I’m sorry to disapoint you.

One drowns under controlled circumstances. By doing the crawl across the surface of a pool without breathing. It usually takes several tries as the urge to breathe is pretty powerful.

It’s important not to prepare for this by hyperventilating, and you must maintain a high level of physical activity so that carbon dioxide builds up in your lungs as fast as possible.

As you continue to stifle the urge to breathe and swim, your chest will start to convulse. Shortly thereafter instinct will takeover, and you’ll start to gasp involuntarily and windmill your arms. At this point, the five or six qualified people that have been watching you jump in and rescue you.

Now you have a better idea what your limits are, and a better chance of maintaining control if you get distressed while in the water.

It’s a pretty essential experience if you intend to free-dive.

Free-diving is all about stifling your instincts. If you suddenly couldn’t breathe now, you would continue to struggle for four minutes or so before passing out. Most people have trouble holding there breath even one minute. Free-diving is proper preparation of your body so that it can stay down longer, accompanied by training yourself to overcome the urge to breathe. All the latter takes is practice.

<NOTE to self: find and read more Scylla threads>

Good job, man, good job.

FTR: I can only stay under for about 2:30-3:00. 4:02 while active is very impressive. BTW: Did you see the recent record-breaking deep-dive?

Good for you, Scylla! If he had grabbed me like this, I think it would have been one of those super-hilarious knees-in-the-nuts episodes - Bunny don’t put up with $*it like that.

Good for you. I don’t like bullies.