Aside from being a college student, I’m “Director of Research and Development” at a technology company. Out of school for the summer, I’m working there.
I was sitting at my desk entering a client’s address into my cell phone, when I felt that peculiar, liquidy grumbling in my stomach that indicates a potential case of diarrhea. Not wanting to tempt fate, I hurried to the bathroom, continuing to enter stuff into my phone as I went.
Our office shares a bathroom with another company on the same floor, but for the moment it was empty. I sat down and started crapping, still entering characters into my phone via that horrendously inefficient input mechanism (hey, what can I say, I like to multitask).
I finished with the phone before I finished with my dump. This presented a problem, as my pockets were crumpled on the floor by my ankles. So, I rested the phone on the toilet paper dispenser, and sat there pondering my diet.
Finished with my business, I got up and started washing my hands. Soon I heard footstepts outside the door, and suddenly remembered where my phone was.
Time was short. I leapt into action. I cleared the bathroom floor in a single jump, trying to get into the stall before the intruder could arrive. But it was too late. I heard that unmistakable change in background noise, accompanied by a soft squeaking, that indicates a door opening.
On the ground in an awkward position after my hop, head tilted forward, arms extended backwards for balance, I looked towards the door, and saw a man I didn’t know standing there. I froze in this bizarre pose, like some kind of amateur contortionist, and looked at him bug-eyed. He stared at me, with an inscrutable look on his face. In the background, the sink was still running. After what seemed like an eternity, I straightened out, grimaced, and quickly snatched my phone from the stall, careful to avoid his gaze.
He walked past me, chuckled, and said “Don’t worry, I wouldn’t have stolen it.” And proceeded to use the urinal.
At least I didn’t drop it in…
