So a few days ago I bought a lovely beef and gravy pie at a expensive bakery, only to find out how awful it was.
The first one was pretty bad, right? The pastry was all dried up and harder than a tank’s glacial plate. I had to smash it on the table to make it shatter, and the filling was dreadful, all dried up and just awful. I took it back and had it replaced, but…
It wasn’t even beef, nor was it gravy. It looked like some kind of fake chicken with what looked like semen drizzled over it at random sections. Not even properly poured over the fake chicken, just random splotches here and there. WTF? It cost like more than $6 on it’s own.
It was also really soggy, and fell to pieces when I picked it up, as it was obviously microwaved for way too long. The pastry was all gummy and soft, and it was just terrible. They advertise them as like “homemade beef pies”, and I remember eating their pies years and years ago and they were delightful. Now they’re just terrible.
I am sorry that happened to you. Please accept my heartfelt condolences in these trying times. I understand that, in light of this trauma, you are looking for emotional support, not advice. I do not mean to trivialize or question your experiences. However, if I may offer some words of wisdom: next time, try shoving the pie up your ass.
Pie & Mash
An Americanized rendition of a British classic, culturally appropriated with love by Smapti
INGREDIENTS
1 tablespoon olive oil
1 onion, chopped
4 cloves garlic, pressed
1 pound lean ground beef
1/2 teaspoon Colman’s mustard powder
1 tablespoon tomato paste
1 cube beef bouillon, crushed
6 ounces (1/2 can) English-style brown ale
1/2 cup beef stock
8 ounces beef suet
1 egg yolk, beaten
1 1/2 sticks butter
2 large baking potatoes, peeled and cut into quarters
1/4 cup heavy cream
2 tablespoons cornstarch
2 cups chicken stock
1 bunch parsley, chopped
Flour
Water
Salt
Pepper
Chili oil
PREPARATION
Heat the olive oil in a skillet over medium-high heat. Add the onion and 2 cloves garlic and sauté until the onions are softened, about 2-3 minutes. Add the beef and cook until browned. Remove from heat and stir in the mustard powder, tomato paste, bouillon, ale, beef stock, 2 tablespoons flour, and salt and pepper to taste. Cover and set aside.
In a mixing bowl, add 1 1/2 cups flour to the suet and use two forks to mix until crumbly. Add cold water a tablespoon at a time, mixing after each addition, until the mix forms a dough ball.
In a separate mixing bowl, combine 1 cup flour with 1/2 teaspoon salt and one stick salted butter. Mix with two forks until crumbly. As with the suet dough, add water tablespoon by tablespoon until a dough ball is formed.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit. Boil 2-3 cups water.
Divide the suet dough into two portions. On a floured surface, roll each portion into a round about 8-10 inches in diameter. Carefully lift the dough from the rolling surface and place it in a small pie plate, pressing the dough against the surface to eliminate any air bubbles. Trim off any excess dough that hangs over the rim and discard. Fill each pie with about half of the beef mix.
Divide the butter dough into two portions and roll out in the same manner. Carefully place the rounds on top of the filled pies and fold or crimp the top crusts to seal, discarding any overhang. Slit the tops of the pies with a knife and brush with egg yolk.
Place the pies in a roasting pan. Pour the boiling water into the pan until it is about halfway up the side of the pie plates. Place the pan in the oven and bake for about 20-30 minutes until the crust is golden brown.
While the pies are baking, boil the potatoes for about 20 minutes. Heat the cream until almost boiling in another pan (or in the microwave). Once the potatoes are cooked, drain them, transfer them into a large bowl, and use a potato masher or forks to pulverize them. Stir in the cream, about 2 tablespoons of butter, salt and pepper to taste, and a dash of the chili oil.
At the same time, melt 2 tablespoons of butter in yet another saucepan. Add the cornstarch and whisk over low heat for 1-2 minutes to make a roux. Gradually whisk in the chicken stock, bring to a simmer, and add the parsley and 2 cloves of garlic, and cook whisking often until the mix is hot, thick, and greenish-yellow in color.
Serve the pies with a generous helping of potatoes and douse liberally with the gravy.
My first reaction was “Incredible – someone took the the concept of over-the-top dude posts to heart, and started their own parody!” Thinking, as is my naive wont, that this had reached the height of absurdism.
My sister took me to PieCaramba last weekend - the pies there are very excellent, and they do a couple of special dishes:
‘Pie and Mighty’ - pie of your choice, mash, gravy and peas, plus an extra pie
‘The Piescraper’ - as above, plus another extra pie - presented in a three-pie tower stack, cemeted together with the mash and mushy peas. Of course I chose this.
The OP has all the elements of a potentially great novel: tension, pathos, sorrow and a relentless antagonist. I was on the edge of my seat right up to the surprise twist at the end. “Now they’re just terrible.” Brilliant.
This is certainly one of the saddest tales I’ve ever heard. I care about your pain, dude, I really do. I only hope you can pick up the pieces and carry on. May the remainder of your life be free of such horror.
May the Lord bless and keep you;
May the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious unto you;
May the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace.
Condolences on your loss, and best wishes to you and yours. We will keep you in our thoughts and prayers. The Lord never gives you more than you can bear. Lean upon Him and He will give you strength,
Remember that the deepest darkness is always followed by blinding light. Stay the path and you will find your reward.
