I agree with Knorf. I’m 36, female and going through a divorce. I’ve only had 3 partners in my life and I waited until I was 24 to lose my virginity. Why? Because I’d been raised to believe that “everything but” intercourse was acceptable and to abide by my deeply held religious convictions until I was married.
Was that a good idea? For me, no. I didn’t completely wait, but almost. And let me tell you, it was like a starving person at an all-you-can-eat buffet. My partner willingly went along with this, but later I found out that we weren’t the least bit sexually compatible AT ALL. If he had sex once a week, he’d be thrilled. If I get it twice a day, it might not be enough. Think of the scene from Annie Hall, but in reverse. I never got plenty of kisses, which I prefer not to do without, he, on the other hand, hates it but tolerated it early on because of love and the fact that we seemed to be perfectly in tune with everything else and what we wanted from it. The skills improved with effort and care, but our bedroom differences and my previous fundamentalist hang-ups caused way too many difficulties. This all was indicative of other problems in the relationship and we both should have taken heed to why. Since we discussed everything prior, we assumed we could work it out with patience, understanding and time. That was an incorrect assessment. Love, IME, doesn’t conquer all, even the unconditional stay-together-forever kind.
IMHO, it’s more about the necessity of intimacy and interaction than actual sex. I would never abstain now, if I was serious about that person and they reciprocated (after an appropriate interlude – a couple of months, just to make sure neither of us were acting out of desperation or hormones and to see how everything else lined up first), because I feel it will be integral to our future (if there is one) together. Furthermore, I concur that folks like me would NOT be good for folks like that, and vice-versa. Also, there truly may be serious baggage included (for example, although I nearly made it to the finish line, I had long since stopped doing so due to devoutness – by then, it was simply by rote), I know there was for me. Lots of cliches applied to what I apparently was afraid of, but refused to acknowledge. And I felt that all did much more harm than good, for me anyway, towards not developing a healthy attitude regarding my sexuality and what it means to me.
Lastly, I’m on the fence about ‘performance’ once you’ve been bound in holy matrimony… I’ve seen it happen both ways. Sometimes, you do have those that go whole hog to hook whatever person they’ve set their sights on, then once legally bound, only put forth what is absolutely necessary. On the other hand, some that keep everything intact until the honeymoon, have ended up being insatiable and an utter wildcat in bed. Plenty of others, I’m sure, change over time to one or the other, depending on the circumstances. I know that in my first situation, it killed any drive I had at all. The subsequent other two though, had me panting with desire for the next go 'round. So, I suppose I can respect the reasons behind such attitudes if they are truly legitimate (unlike mine, that was eventually ‘just because’ and for no real reason – earlier on, I think I occasionally used God as a crutch out of fear from my mother, going to hell, getting dumped/pregnant whatever) and shared by the SO. But for me, there would be no way in hell that I’d ever see anyone again who refused to even consider it. A definite deal breaker in my book.
YMMV, of course.
You can have non-erotic discussions about sex even if you are not abstaining, you know. In fact you can have them about what is really happening, not just what you think or hope will happen. It is perfectly possible for issues to pop up not covered by these discussions of hypotheticals.