Thank you for making up my mind for me. The party I mentioned upthread is suits for men. I was seriously considering going in white tie and tails, just to be a bit of a show off. (And because I never get to wear that anymore!) I’m sticking with the suit.
I suppose you would be an ass to turn up under the circumstances. I think anyone would be an ass to turn up at such an egomaniac’s wedding.
But yeah, I’d offer such a person the same respect as they’d offered me, and allow them the pleasure of my absence.
There you go, we’re on the same page now!
I call shenanigans.
This is about a WEDDING. Both the bride and groom will have picked out their outfits specifically to indicate that this is a special day, not just any ordinary day. This is true of any wedding I’ve been to, which have ranged from the ultra-formal black tie to seaside casual.
A guest who refuses to dress specially for that day is, through their actions, suggesting that there is nothing special at all about that day. It’s disrespectful and self-centered, not a deep commentary on our shallow society.
It’s not new - humans have been using dress to convey a non-verbal message since the dawn of time. It’s why we crown our monarchs, why there are uniforms and dress codes involved with certain professions, why religious leaders dress in specific garments, and why there isn’t a single nation on earth that doesn’t have a traditional costume.
Read the topic I linked in that comment, clear through. Then think about the fact that I said it is no different than the situation described in the OP. You do not know me, or my lifestyle, nearly as well as you think you do right now, nor do you have any clue as to what I advocate in life. Toss out any assumptions you have made for now. You have put words into my mouth. I did not date that fellow, because he didn’t even have enough respect for himself to comb his hair. If he doesn’t respect himself, he will not respect me.
Because I see a thread about the best way to shame and force conformity, and I strongly object.
No one is insisting that anyone wear anything. It’s not like if WhyNot’s hubby shows up in old jeans and flip-flops then he’ll be barred at the door. But if you know that someone is planning a special even – special both in the sense of being rare and important, and special in the sense of the effort put into it – then it is polite for the guests to reflect that specialness and effort back in acknowledgement of it. One way to do that is through your attire. The key is not to dress lavishly and ostentatiously – indeed, it is as rude to overdress for an event as to underdress for one – but to dress appropriately. When you have indications that “nice clothes” are what are expected – not demanded – then nice clothes is what you wear.
But it’s not an all-or-nothing proposition. It’s not as if the choice is to either dress inappropriately and go, or not go at all because you just can’t manage approrpriate dress. The most common option, which the vast majority of people manage with no problem, is to dress appropriately and go to the wedding. And just because you don’t give a shit doesn’t mean nobody does, or shouldn’t.
Expecting people to dress appropriately for a given event is not inherently unreasonable. You don’t wear a bikini to church and you don’t wear a ball dress to a backyard barbeque. Not even if that’s what you’re most comfortable in, because other people’s events, at which you are guest, are not about you.
You’re hired! When can you start? 
Lisa, you’re cute too 
You never saw me in a suit though, heh.
Still, the question as asked amounted to “What am I going to do about my husband who won’t wear a suit?”
Well, my view is quite simple - he shouldn’t go, and no-one should think any the worse of him for that. That seems to be what OP is saying. If he does choose to go and won’t dress up, OP is not responsible, but nor should she roll her eyes and say things like “Hell, I can’t take him anywhere!”
If a particular manner of dress is expected of me, I tend not to participate. Exceptions are funerals, where compassion and “not rocking the boat” are important as a measure of basic respect for the bereaved, and work, where they pay me to dress in some specified manner.
You do realize, that by non-conforming, you are conforming with the non-conformists, right? I, myself am a free thinker. I also, however, am a non-conformist who sometimes conforms. One day, perhaps you will reach such a milestone in your life, look back, and find that your opinion at that point in the future, isn’t so different from mine. Or, maybe you won’t.
And there you go judging his value. What does combing hair have to do withself- respect. I’m guessing the guy respected him self pretty well, although I obviously don’t know.
And you judge by the fact he didn’t comb his hair, he is not capable of respecting someone? Where is the logic there, you just thought you were better than him cause he didn’t play the game according to your rules.
This thread makes me think of my next door neighbor for the last 8 years. He’s a successful guy…owns his own business. Mid fifties, divorced, & good looking. I have never, ever seen him wear a jacket and tie, ever. Due to his being self-employed, he really has no need to, and he doesn’t like to, so he never does.
In conversation once, though, he said he does have them. Needs 'em for funerals.
I guess my point is that we have remarkable flexibility in our society to dress the way we prefer. There are very few occasions where we are really expected to get dressed up to that level. But there are certain situations where it’s just the right thing to do.
Yeah? You’d show up in blue because the bride valued her wedding pics more than she valued your company?
Or you’d tell said bride to go fuck herself?
What job are you applying for?
Question for the “pro-slob” crowd: A few years ago I had occasion to stand up in front of an orchestra for the benefit of an audience. Of course, I wore my tux. (Is that even a question?) The official dress code for the orchestra was “Try to wear black for the first performance. After that it really doesn’t matter.” That was not good enough for me. I wanted us to look as professional as possible, and I wanted us to be eye candy. I insisted that the men wear tuxes for every performance, and that the ladies wear evening gowns or something close to it.
Was I being unreasonable? Elitist? Trying to show that we were rolling in money?
This, by the way, is the best I got.
Neurosurgeon.
Hmm. At Hooters?
This makes some sense, but there are a few problems. One that I noticed would be that there was no way on Earth that I could have had people show up casual to my wedding. I didn’t even bother to ask, it would have been an exercise in futility. In any case, why would I ask? I didn’t care if my FIL wore a suit, I just wanted him to be there. I even wore a suit to the courthouse, largely so the celebrant would actually identify me as the groom. Folks flew in from California (to PA) - that was enough. They could have worn swimwear for all I cared.
So I guess you’re right - if people care about that sort of thing, I suppose the polite thing is to respect that. I just can’t imagine caring what other people wear.
In what world are these the only two options?
I wore a grape-and-mauve cabbage-rose print tea-length bridesmaid’s dress with an enormous butt-bow. I looked like a small Victorian sofa in shoes. But I put it on and wore if with a smile because by God it was my friend’s wedding and that’s what she wanted her bridesmaids to wear.
It never occurred to me that she was devaluing me as her friend by not taking my own personal preferences into account on her wedding day. It also never occurred to me to refuse to attend if I couldn’t wear what I wanted, because I was more concerned with supporting nonconformity than with supporting my friend. (And by the way: conformity? Really? What is it, 1969? Stick it to The Man!) It was one freakin’ day out of my life.
[sub]Allthough don’t get me started on “Oh, you’ll wear it again!” Like hell I will.[/sub]
yes, yes, yes.
This thread also reminds me of my own wedding. My best friend was doing a reading, and happened to be 8 months pregnant at the time. I found out through the grapevine that she was planning to buy a new dress because the only maternity dressy dress she had was black, and she didn’t want to wear black to my wedding.
Of course, I immediately called her up and told her NOT to buy a new dress, but to wear the one she had. That I, and everyone else, would understand that your wardrobe gets very limited at that stage of pregnancy, and it would be crazy to buy a new dress that she quite literally would not wear again.
It’s not about making people uncomfortable…I would say it’s just the opposite. Most people feel more comfortable if they know the expectations for how to behave. Dress is a form of behavior. You wouldn’t get up in the middle of the vows and try to get everyone to do the Hokey Pokey. It would be rude and out of place at the ceremony. At the reception, no one would blink an eye. Is it just mindless conformity to keep these things each in their place? Or is it simple courtesy?