I think you took the better path. “Hot, but not really my type” is a perfectly valid way of categorizing someone and, though it isn’t my style, I don’t think there is anything wrong with having wanted a NSA roll in the hay with someone like that. I think you’d be obligated to make sure the woman didn’t mistake your intentions, but you didn’t even reach that stage. At the point you changed your mind you had a choice between a low key brush off and saying “I just wanted you to know that I’m an asshole. Oh, and you’re inadequate in some way. Just to give you and your therapist something to mull over.” Seems relatively straightforward to me.
I think your lady friend is pissed (perhaps understandably so) that you only wanted a one night stand out of an honest woman
Don’t be obtuse. She would most likely want to avoid him in the future if she knew that all he was interested in was sex, just wanted to use her, and was not interested in any sort of relationship with her.
Dude, why don’t you just jerk off at home and spare these poor women? Or just get a prostitute. That’s what prostitutes are there for: no-strings-attached sex. But yes, you would be wrong if you went through with it anyway. I’m really glad to hear that you understand the ethical quandary here.
I don’t know about this, nyctea. I mean, doesn’t a woman hold any responsibility? If you know that you need more from a man than sex, then you should establish that before having sex with him. You meet a man in a bar, you flirt back and forth, you have sex on the first date, and then you cry that you have been deceived and abused when you find out he only wanted sex?
There is nothing wrong with a strictly physical attraction. Sex is always so dirtied up, that we all begin to believe it. The truth is, being a sexy woman is nothing to be ashamed of. There is no reason a man can’t tell a woman that his attraction to her was physical. I am sure she would have accepted that without being too heartstricken, because as others have pointed out, she may have had a strictly physical attraction as well. Just because SHAKES doesn’t think he will appreciate her humor, intellect, morals and energy doesn’t mean she doesn’t trump his ass in all of those qualities and had no intention of sharing with him any of her qualities outside of her sexuality and passion.
And apropos of nothing, Grean Bean, every time I read your posts, I remember what a hip cat you are.
Any woman who doesn’t understand that a lot of men think like this, a whole lot of men, is just asking for the world to kick her in the face again and again and again.
So a prostitute is the moral high ground to take. :dubious:
I don’t no where you live but around here prostitution is illegal. Not only that but most of them have severe drug problems that prevent them from making wise or healthy decisions. Taking advantage of THAT would be way wrong in my opinion.
These other women on the other hand are supposed to have good decision making skills. At least I gather that by the fact they can hold down a steady job, pay bills and get the children off to school.
My moral quandary starts with women who duplicitly tell me “yeah, I’m cool with the casual thing” yet meanwhile what they’re REALLY thinking is "I’ll give it up to him a couple of times then I’ll be able to change his mind from “casual” to “LTR”. When that doesn’t happen they either get pissed or hurt.
I feel these women need to take some responsibility for their actions but I still wonder if I should take more concern if I feel this is what the woman’s intentions are.
I have a friend who has gone absolutely baby-crazy over the past two years or so. She feels her biological clock is ticking, and damn near every guy she meets is evaluated on the “does this guy have what it takes to be a father, like, RIGHTNOW!?!?!” scale.
Now, let’s suppose that my friend just happens to be the classy lady that SHAKES met the other night. By these rules, she should have told him flat-out on the voicemail that SHAKES has passed Stage One of the baby-daddy test, so they should go to TGI Friday’s and catch a movie next Thursday.
I mean, we single guys should know the intentions of someone wanting sex with us, right? So we might know to keep our distance from my friend, or women like her, in the future.
But back to the OP: I think he could have glossed over the “I just broke up with someone” angle and just gone straight to the “I’m not really ready to be dating now” line. But it is absolutely a white lie, pretty much the definition of it.
I think it’s pretty clear that you did the right thing, SHAKES, same reason as everyone else. Whether or not you could have made up a “better excuse” or not doesn’t really matter IMO, the point was to let the woman know that you weren’t available and the date wasn’t going to happen without making her feel awful.
As far as your lady-friend is concerned, I think her point of view is just silly. I suspect her annoyance with you may stem from something else. Perhaps she’s upset that you mentioned your beer-goggled intentions at all; often we women like to pretend men don’t think that way, even though most of us know full well that you do.
WILD SPECULATION ALERT
I’m of the firm belief that a single straight female and a single straight male will be unable to have any kind of friendship without one or both of them wanting more (be it sex or relationship) at some point, or various points, of the friendship. Do you think perhaps your lady-friend may be feeling righteous indignation because perhaps she wants you to think “relationship” rather than “sex”, and more specifically, to think about such things with her?
What is left unsaid there is “Of course I knew all of this last night but then I just wanted to get laid. Now that I’m sober and the suns up I’m thinking that’s not such a hot idea.”
You said enough. If she wanted to she could have said something about just wanting to go out and have a good time, she didn’t. I do agree with j666 that getting into how messed up you are is a bit of overkill. But, the implied message got through. You’re fine.
Well, I currently have a GF right now so this is moot. But before that I’ve tried more times than I can count to get down this girls pants. (In a non-threatening/non-creepy way if that makes sense.) And she’s (laughingly) turned me down every single time. So unless she’s playing really really hard to get; I don’t think so.
Back the truck up, brosef – you have a girlfriend? Did this happen today? Because otherwise, I’d think that would have made for a really good excuse to not date the other gal…
EDIT: Just realised your OP mentioned the incident was “some time ago”. Never mind!
In my opinion, the answer is yes. Not that it makes you a douche for fucking her anyway, but because it opens the door for a world of hurt on both sides. When I was growing up my young, sexy, single aunt had a relationship with a guy who was absolutely head-over-heels in love with her. He was with her for 6 years, though she told him on a regular basis that the moment she met a serious prospect he would be out of her life for good. I mean she straight-up told him, ‘‘I like hanging out with you and really like fucking you, but there’s no future here.’’ He would always say it was okay and go on mooning after her anyways. But it got quite degrading for him, and she took advantage of his love. Like she would call him at 7am and demand he come over and make her breakfast, and he did it, because he was in love with her.
My Aunt is an amazingly wonderful person and this guy was a moron, but still, this is one thing she did that never sat right with me. It was a really messy, complicated relationship just because they were never on the same page. And even though she wasn’t in love, she definitely got used to having him in her life and letting go was ultimately a challenge for her. I say if you fuck a girl despite all these red flags, you are inviting in a potential world of trouble. I hesitate to say it’s immoral, but then again, I hesitate to say it’s not.
I think that is just so stupid that right and wrong are completely immaterial.
Morally, it is not your decision; you say you want something shallow, casual, and quick. She says she wants something shallow, casual, and quick. If she is lying, you do her and the rest of the world a service by demonstrating that men will respect women and take them at their word.
I just do not understand why so many men are so convinced that so many women want nothing so much as an LTR.
(As for ‘clingy’, I can not conceive of a better strategy for a woman to get rid of a SCQF …)
As I said, this was the one thing she did that I didn’t think was right, though I didn’t mean to indicate that she didn’t care at all for him. She thought of him a lot like her best friend that she fucked, and they spent a great deal of time doing non-sex things, but I think the giving was somewhat one-sided. She did things for him and was supportive of him, but he absolutely worshiped her. It wasn’t intentional, but she did take his companionship for granted. Such is the danger of these kind of relationships. She rationalized her involvement by her honesty with him, at all times, about where the relationship was headed, but in this case I don’t think it was sufficient justification. Eventually she broke up with him. Now she is in a happy and egalitarian marriage. Call it immaturity, call it self-centeredness, call it lonliness but she got over it and grew up eventually.
I could tell you a thousand stories to support the fact that my Aunt is an amazing wonderful person, but that’s not the focus of this thread. Sufficed to say she’s been everything from a sister to a mother to a best friend to me, and she’s taken more metaphorical bullets for me than anyone else I know, so my overall opinion of her is not likely to change.
Ooops. Looks like I cut and pasted wrong. Let’s see if I can find my original train of thought.
Good god. When you’re out at a bar having a few drinks, there isn’t a man or woman who hasn’t hit on someone who they think twice of the next morning. I’m sure that somewhere on the planet, at some time in history, someone has actually had sex with someone they regretted in the morning.
It even happens when both parties are sober. You meet someone, flirt with them, get excited, have fun and don’t really think until afterwards that it wouldn’t work for whatever reason. The girl with the sexy dress who you realize later is completely nuts. Or the funny guy who really is a jerk.
This is not a crime folks. There is no rule stating that Thou Shalt be 100% Sure of Someone Before Flirting. Not possible. Humans don’t work that way.
Not do I see the crime in wanting to have sex with someone. The OP didn’t lie, drug or pressure the woman and didn’t have sex.
For the question of degree of lie, there is a lesser obligation for complete honesty over not hurting feelings after talking for one evening than a breakup up for a relationship.
What I wanted to say was that he made himself sound like a more of a jerk than I see him.
He found her attractive enough to want to sleep with, so he talked to her. For one night. Period. Didn’t string her along. Didn’t take her our on several dates, then fucked her and then dropped her.
I am by no means the authority on this, but it sounds like your lady friend was hoping to set you two up. Whatever was wrong with your Little White Lie, is merely to cover her disappointment for the ultimate failure of her little matchmaking scheme.
IOW, it isn’t how you dropped the potential relationship, it’s that you did not start the relationship. So she makes a big deal about it to take the onus off her head.
