Adventures in lactation

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have a very pregnant sister-in-law who is having one of approximately 75 baby showers this coming weekend. She did the registry thing and is making out quite well with the gift list.
Unfortunate point #1 - As of yet, no one has bought her a breast pump, an item which she definitely wants and probably needs.
Unfortunate point #2 - It has been decided by her mom that she will be the one to get it for her. However, with work related issues, the mom and my wife were somehow both unable to make it to the baby store to purchase said breast pump.
Unfortunate point #3 - That means I was the only readily available person.

After hearing this bit of news, I take a 5 minute time-out to let the full bdy shivers subside. Fine, I think to myself. I’l go buy a breast pump. I’ll walk into a store, buy a product that extracts milk from humans and be on my way. I take another 5 minute time-out, this time for full body shivers with an occasional convulsion.

My work day ends. I am off to the baby store. I pull into the parking lot and the world still seems golden. Birds fly by, puppies still look cute, the store looks fine. Little did I realize that I was mere moments away from forever giving up the deed to my penis and all of the wonders that go with it.

I stroll merrily into the store. My first inclination of trouble is that I am the only male in there. Employees? All female. Shoppers? All female. Pictures on the wall? All female. If I had performed ultrasounds I imagine the results would have shown all fetuses to be female (and simultaneously pointing and laughing at me.)

Where might one find a breast pump? Realizing that there is no way on God’s green Earth that I will ask someone, I correctly assume “Infant Care”.
Unfortunate point #4 - There are a lot of breast pumps on the market. Far too many. And, I had to find a specific one, because it was a “good deal”. It was apparently a “good deal” because it required sherpas to find it.

After 10 minutes of fruitless efforts, I swallow my pride and ask a sales lady a question I never thought would pass from my lips.
“Can you show me this breastpump?” I get the vaguely accusatory, are you going touse this for perverted unintended consequences stare before she leads me to the pump of my nightmares.

OK, that’s over with. I pick up the pump and head to check-out.
Unfortunate point #5 - One cash register is open. Many people are in line. I am pleased to note that I now get to stand in a crowd while holding a breast pump.

Finally, my turn to pay. While avoiding all eye contact and speaking in a French accent, I try to pay.
Unfortunate point #6 - When I hear the cashier say “Hmmm, I can’t seem to pull up the price” I sadly know where this is going. I get the dreaded intercom “Price check on a breast pump” message.

After another 5 minutes of waiting for a price (during which I should have just left my wallet and nobly carried the pump out) I am finally on my way, a thoroughly beaten and abused man.

2

For some reason I picture you doing all this in a pair of bib overalls with a grass stem hanging out yer mouth.

3

Think of it this way, for every person thinking “oh my god, what is that sicko up to?” you probably had at least 2-3 women thinking “what a wonderful and caring husband, going out to get a breast pump for his wife; hers must have broken down.”

(At least, I know I get the “what a nice guy” thought when I see men in drugstores buying “female products” like tampons, pads, or urinary tract infection medications. My husband went to get me some UTI meds once, had to tell some loudmouthed jerk in line behind him to stfu about it, and got praise and a smile from the female checkout clerk.)

4

What’s really a bitch about this is that the most good breastpumps aren’t sold in stores. You have to get them through a medical-supply place or a lactation consultant. Annoying.

If you got an evenflo, please take it back. People are contemplating litigation against those thieving jerks for selling such poorly constructed pumps.

Now, if you got an Avent Isis, my hat is off to you.

Well, my hat is off anyway for doing a difficult deed! A brave man indeed.

5

I’m not quite sure how these things work. Do you put your foot on that little “U” shaped bar like with a bicycle pump?

6

Heh heh heh… I put Papapotomus through that same torture…

For some reason I didn’t realize I would need a breast pump until 3 days after the baby was born. I sent my hubby to the store for one and some of those bra pads for leaks. He was unleashed on the Mommy store without any clue what he was doing…and he’s Mr. Bargain Shopper from hell…

Two hours later he comes home with the pump and fifty thousand (at least) little cotton frisbees. He spent forever going over the pros and cons of each model pump until he decided on the perfect one- and then decided to seriously stock up on the pads (10 boxes!!!) to ensure he’d never have to come back again. I can’t imagine what the checkout clerk thought…

7

As a side note, I would have been much more comfortable doing this solely for my wife. However, buying this for my sister in law lead to the inevitable thoughts of post-purchase use, which I tried to avoid like a plague of rabid chimpanzees.

8

Public Service Announcement:

A lousy breast pump can really sabotage your nursing. I use an Ameda Purely Yours, and find it excellent. The other two good ones are Medela Pump in Style and Avent Isis, which is a manual one. Word on the street is that all other ones range from ineffective to downright painful.

I got mine through www.affordablebreastpumps.com. Best prices I’ve found and great service.

9

Last week Mrs. Z had her birthday. Everything went great but some of her siblings were a bit late on her cards and gifts. Now for both Mrs. Z and I everyone ships things to my office. That way we avoind getting one of those little yellow slips and then having to go to the Post Office.

So Mrs. Z’s older sister ships me the gift, which was a nice skirt and blouse. But she shipped it to me in an empty Always Pads with Wings box. So after the mailroom guy laughs at me everyone I work with drops by my office to see if I can ‘spot them a pad’ or just to point and laugh.

I carried the box home, one the NYC subway, without putting it in a bag. At least there nobody gave me a second look as they have seen stranger things.

10

My wife needed a breastpump a week after our firstchild was born. At first, to try and save cash, I got her a manual one. It didn’t work at all. So then I went back and bought a Medela pump. So that is two breastpumps in one day.
My advice is to get over it, ya big wimp.

11

Why is it embarassing? I mean, I know it’s intimidating to walk into a store full of things you know nothing about where everybody else is a certified expert, but why wouldn’t they all just assume, correctly, that you’re buying the thing for a woman? Is there any possible perversion you could accomplish with a breast pump?

Details?

12

I agree, that the Evenflow models suck.
but then they all do

:slight_smile:
ps
tell her to run water through it after Each use. amazing what you can find when you take a breast pump apart to try to “fix” it…

13

mrs beagledave got a Medela PIS off of eBay…worth checking out (make sure you buy new tubing etc though)

14

I rented one from the hospital. Which was a real “bargain” cause insurance picked it up and it was a hospital grade Medela.

'Course, this was because getting my milk to come in required an act of God and several hours of pumping every day for a week - so my OB wrote a perscription for the pump.