Advice about my formerly well behaved son

In My Humble Opinion
1

I haven’t had much time to think this situation through and don’t have time to compose a well thought out post. I come here for advice, needed fast.

I got a call at noon from my son’s guidance counselor. My son is 18 and a senior. A friend, unnamed, came to the guidance counselor to voice her concerns about my son. She said she is concerned about him because she has it on reliable advice that he has quite recently come into drugs through his relatively new girlfriend, a year older than he is. She specifically mentioned heroin and pot. The friend said she is worried about his mood and personality changes, slipping of grades, among other things. She also said that the girlfriend hits my son; not hard enough to leave a bruise, but hitting nonetheless.

I will say I have noted these same things, but I thought it was attributable to having a gf and not wanting to spend time away from her. And also probably having discovered sex. But this is a child who has never given me ONE reason to worry about him. Until he met this girl, he just basically didn’t rock the boat, did the right thing. I figured he learned from watching his older brother make every bad choice possible.

As I said, I haven’t had much time to think about this as I am at work. I am leaving in 20 minutes and as soon as I get to my cell phone will start making phone calls, but at this point I haven’t even been able to speak to my ex about it.

I am sure there are parents on here who have gone through this. I guess my initial concern is how to approach him, IF I should, and what to say. I am so scared.

2

Have you met the girlfriend?

3

Only a couple times, but no conversation ensued. She is very friendly in my contacts with her, and she works two jobs.

4

Without any more info, here are my observations:

-There’s a world of difference between pot and heroin, as you surely know. One is hardly cause for alarm in and of itself. The other is a world of trouble.

-Do you know which friend was speaking with the guidance counselor? There was some drama in my high school involving a largely incompetent guidance counselor, and it basically involved two girls telling lies about one another to get people in trouble and, well, get out of class for large periods of time.

-Sex makes people do the wacky, especially teenage boys. If he’s getting some, possibly for the first time, chances are he’s a loyal puppy to this woman. It’s one thing for a girl to hit her boyfriend in jest, knowing she won’t hurt him, but the fact that this was brought to the guidance counselor’s attention at all is definitely cause for concern.

-He’s 18. It had to happen some time. Hopefully he’s smart enough not to have gotten himself into a stupid situation, and will learn from whatever mistakes he’s made.

5

Well, does she seem like a heroin user? Call me naive, but it seems like that might be a tough thing to hide.

6

What is your relationship like with your son? Would you be able to just ask him if there is anything he might want to talk about?

With my kids and the large group of teens I’m around I’ve learned different ways to work with their personalities. Some kids you can just outright ask and others you need to casually come around to it.

And then you aren’t sure who this person is who came to the counselor and aren’t sure if they can be reliable. Or either the teen or the counselor could be over reactive.

We had this sort of thing happen to a teen that was closer to our family and it lasted about six months or so then he was over it.

Wasn’t anything to serious with him thankfully. New girlfriend a year or so older started having sex and just kind of dropped off the radar and friends and family got pretty worried.

Hopefully this is the case for you that he’s just doing some of the normal stuff and it’s taking you off guard coming from him.

7

other things besides drugs can cause sudden behavoural changes in adolescence

8

You can always run him to the doc and have him pee in a cup while supervised. It’ll answer your questions, but it is pretty much the atom bomb of parental supervision.

9

Has he lost any weight?

10

“Unnamed friend” says bad things about new girlfriend? Sounds questionable.

Has the kid got needle tracks? Is he skipping school, grades slipping, anything like that? Have any teachers seen cause for concern?

Could be the “unnamed friend” is jealous of, or otherwise dislikes the new girlfriend. You don’t really have enough to worry about at this point. Might talk to the kid, see how he responds…and if you just have to do more than that, talk to some of the teachers, see what they have to say.

11

Teenage girls are notorious liars. Unnamed friend could be:

(1) lying to guidance counselor or

(2) repeating a lie to guidance counselor

I don’t think there is probably anything wrong. When I was a senior in high school my grades slipped and my personality changed. The grades slipping is due to a drastic reduction in giving a shit, not that it was that I cared a lot to begin with. Personality changes had a lot to do with growing up and getting passed the high school bullshit. In other words, I had a drastic reduction in giving a shit about what other people thought.

Just tell him about the phone call (with absolutely no accusatory tone) and see what he says.

12

I second this method. I too had slipping grades my last year of high school for the same reasons (they also lead me to drinking and smoking pot)

Also telling him that, while you’re not accusing him of anything, heroin is a terrible damn drug and can ruin peoples lives. Seriously, it’s ridiculously hard to get off of heroin once addicted

And for the record, you can smoke heroin, so track marks aren’t a necessary give away, and you can hide heroin use for quite some time before it starts changing your physical appearance (obviously heavier users show signs earlier).

As for the hitting, that’s a tough one if there’s no evidence. It could just be playful hitting, it could be your son is a masochist and likes that sort of thing during sex, who knows? In all likeliness this all just gets back to your son having a new girlfriend and getting laid. Gods know I was a new man after my first sexually active girlfriend.

Best bet is just talk to him. Don’t come off as accusatory, come off as concerned though. Let the kid reassure you, it’s the only way you’ll stop worrying. I’m completely against the drug test idea, though, that’s a sure way to completely lose all trust your son has in you.

13

Heroin is not cheap, it’s very addictive and it’s hard to abstain from.

This “unnamed friend” may not be lying but they may be “liberal” with the truth. For example maybe your son is doing pot but not heroin, and this friend through it in to make it sound more serious.

If heroin is involved it’s deadly serious, because of the cost, they have to be

Rich
Stealing to get the money
Dealing to get the money
Or trading sex to get the money

Money to buy heroin that is.

Unlike pot heroin is strictly around bad people.

And here’s one thing most people don’t really realize.

Bad people are often very nice, in fact most bad people are OK, until things stop going their way, THEN they turn nasty.

So they can be perfectly OK as long as everything is going fine.

14

I am getting online now for the first time in a couple of hours. Thank you all so much. I don’t know if I’ll be able to address everyone, but here’s an attempt.

Cat Fight, don’t know the name of the friend. The guidance counselor can’t legally reveal that. Yes, the wacky is definitely a possibility/probability. I would certainly take that over drugs.

Diosabelissima, no, he emphatically does not have the markings of a drug user. He has never been rebellious. Way back when he was a wee lad, my mom quite correctly stated that he is a pleaser. Not in a pathetic way, just doesn’t rock the boat. He is definitely his own person, no doubt about that. But rebellion, he has no markers for that.

Kricket, we have always had a very close relationship. He isn’t one to reveal feelings, per se, but will share his day.

phouka, we tried that with our 21 year old a few years ago. Yeah. That.

The Devil’s Grandmother, no. Healthy as a horse. Good color, complexion.

Oakminster, his grades dropped to all D’s and F’s. He brought them up to D’s and C’s JUST in time for report cards. But he has never pulled the grades he could. I think he is bored.

treis, I think 100% of what you said might apply. I am not sure I should mention the phone call, because I am not entirely sure the guidance counselor was supposed to pass this on to me. I think there is some law, to paraphrase a commercial, “What goes on in the guidance counselor’s office stays in the guidance counselor’s office.”

Markxxx, yes, your points are solid.

This is a kid who got his first job and his driver’s license a year and a half ago. He saved up every penny he made, went straight to savings. By Spring he paid cash for his first car. He pays for his own gas, insurance and entertainment (i.e., never asks Mom for money). Works 18-24 hours a week still and makes friends easily.

I think the consensus upon talking to my older son, and reading what you all have had to say, it isn’t drugs, and is very likely a case of infatuation, or a bit of “Oh, I am so in luuuurrrrrrrrvvvvvvvve.” And sex. And wants to be a “real” adult.

Thank you all so much. I am much calmer now. I would still be happy for any further perspectives/opinions. But I appreciate all comments. Whew! I am much more calm now!

15

That’s the guidance counselor’s problem, not yours. You have to say something to your son at this point though. He needs to know if people are spreading untrue rumors about him.

16

I don’t know if you want to drop a bug in your son’s ears about how common it is for women to physically abuse men (it’s very common, and men drastically under-report it for the obvious reasons). I don’t know how you might give him an idea about that - leave a pamphlet lying around? :slight_smile: Young women get the message in so many different ways that it is not okay for anyone to hit them, but young men don’t really get that message (and they should). No one should be getting hit in anger.

17

Okay. Thank you. Point VERY well taken. He is actually home right now, almost two hours earlier than usual, so it might be the time.

18

There ya go. Excellent suggestion.

Again, thanks everyone so much.

I gotta love this place. I joined here almost a year ago when I lost my job, and I got so much information and support. And now again. Thank you everyone, from the bottom of my heart.

19

Everything get sorted out for your family?

20

Thanks for your concern!

He showed some improvement last week in terms of being home on time. He brought his grades up from D’s and F’s to C’s and D’s, so at least he passed the quarter. But I am not terribly optimistic. The only thing I can hold over his head is yanking senior privilege (can go home last hour if he has a C average), but I don’t think he cares that much.

I just want him to get decent grades so he has the option of school in the fall. He doesn’t know what he wants to do yet, but the local tech college is a great bet.