need some advice for my friend who has a possessive and jealous boyfriend. (not physically abusive at all) they’ve been together for about a year, she really loves him alot and could find no fault other than that.
a quick browse online seems to suggest ending the relationship as the only solution, is there an alternative?
The typical alternative, sadly, is a life of increasing misery.
It’s not out of the question that counseling could help, but realistically only if he sees the need for change.
I’ll second Gary T - the only way things’ll improve is if he chooses to change. How to attempt to effect (affect?) that change, I don’t know.
Sorry I’m not more helpful.
How severe is the possessiveness and jealousy? If he merely protests her flirting left and right with his friends with him in the room, she may be the one who needs to do that change-within-oneself thang, you know.
Compromising is the thing in any case. How much will he be willing to allow, how much will she be willing to give up. That sort of stuff.
I agree with !ceQueen. It may be in her best interest to sit down and have a talk with him. Lay out what she’s willing to give and what she must have in return. If they can meet a comfortable compromise, wonderful. If not, then it may be best to just go seperate ways.
Well, shijinn, your OP is not very informative. What is “possessive and jealous” as you’ve used it? Is it the same thing that some SOs complain about being lacking when their honey is not “demonstrative?”
I’ve a few female friends who are married with whom I have close personal relationships that their hubbies’ acknowledge, and it’s not a problem. OTOH, there are females I don’t know as well who seem to cultivate a series of relationships that hubby would be an idiot to not percieve as threatening to the status quo.
And there are many midpoints. Clarify, please.
well, he calls her often, very often and for long periods - including her working hours, her '‘all girls’ night", to check where she is etc; he needs to know in detail her time spent without him; he does not want her going out with friends if there are guys he does not know etc.
she on the other hand is outgoing and loves to party. while she’s not a flirt, she’d many suitors and he’d seen her got roaring drunk before they got steady.
they had already talked and he’d tried to improve, tried.
this is basically it, i’m not very good with details. what i’m asking is advice on what to do as a friend. though all she wants is an outlet for her troubles i feel the need to help them, in any way i can/should. frankly i was just too surprised to offer anything, he is such a nice guy.
Well, at one time I was a bit possesive and jealous with my current girlfriend, the minute she talked to another guy I was ready to rip his head off and shove it up his…ahem
Anyways, about 2 months into the relationship I began to give some serious thought about my behavior. It wasn’t her that I mistrusted, it was any guy that came around her that I didn’t trust. It ate away at me to the point where I couldn’t sleep at night, so I decided it was best to talk to her about it. I sat her down and explained my situation to her and she promptly put my mind to ease by assuring me that even if another guy was to hit on her she had no intentions of returning his advances, rather she would turn him away. That was all I needed to hear.
You see, the thing is I felt (which I’m assuming he does as well) almost like it was my job to protect her from anything that would potentially harm her, or harm our relationship i.e. other guys. It’s not a behavior I am proud that I displayed, but I was (thankfully) able to correct it, though at times the “jealousy bug” does nip me in the rear from time to time.
If he continues this behavior even after they talked about it it’s possible she didn’t get the point across the first time, and a second much more serious talk may be in order, possibly laying an ultimatum on the line. If he truely cares about her he will respect her space when she wishes to have it, even if that means seeking professional help such as a psychiatrist.
During her working hours? Some jobs that can get you fired, you know, getting long personal calls when you’re supposed to be on the job.
I would NOT tolerate this level of possesiveness in a guy. If she wants to have a talk with him and IF he is able to back off, OK, but otherwise I’d dump the guy. “Nice guy”, huh? Most abusers can be quite charming in between abusive episodes. It doesn’t excuse their behavior.
As a friend, the advice is simple: butt out.
If you want advice for a boy friend that is this way with you, than take a look at the stuff above. But if this is your friend, you’ll do noone any favors including yourself by telling her he’s a likely abuser and dumping him as has been suggested. He likely isn’t, and you’ll quickly alienate your friend, and when he finds out, you’ll alienate him as well.
Shijinn, allow me to give you a word to the wise…a lot of times when people appear to be asking for help, they are actually just blowing off steam. And sometimes even they aren’t aware that they don’t really want an answer. They think they do, until you give them an answer they don’t like.
So my advice is this: listen to your friend carefully, and give her your honest opinion…but don’t go so far as to tell her she needs to leave him, or give her a similarly drastic solution, b/c if she doesn’t take your advice she will hold it against you. Offer your opinion, agree with her that his behavior needs to be modified, etc., but be very cautious about absolute solutions to the situation b/c I’ve been down this road before and just because you see an obvious answer doesn’t mean she does. And even if she asks you “what you think” about it, she may not really be asking for help. Most people just want an ear to fill; never overestimate their desire for actual guidance.
People have to arrive at these types of life-changing decisions on their own; it is your job as a friend to hear her out, help her figure out how she really feels, and what she’s really willing to put up with. It is not your job to try to make up her mind for her. (Not that that’s your goal, but it’s easy to become overzealous.)
Trust me.
And FWIW, I think most jealous and possessive men and women are always going to be jealous and possessive; it’s impossible to change someone because you love them. The only thing that can change them is their love for you, and there is very little you can do about it, either way. So in my armchair-quarterback position, I’d say if this is something that really bothers her, she better figure out if she can live with it, because chances are good it won’t change.
The greatest mistake anyone can make is thinking that they can change anyone else.
Ignore him for a few days.
THe boyfriend needs to find some inner peace. He must learn to find some trust within himself; trust that he can handle WHATEVER comes his way.
You say she loves him, fine. But controlling and possessing someone is not loving them…so does he TRULY love her?
If you love someone, you sincerely want the BEST FOR THEM.
Lose the cell phone for a while, or let the charge die down so she can’t take calls when she’s on a girl’s night out.
Jealousy is rooted in a lack of trust.
He doesn’t trust her, simple as that.
He;s the only one that can change that, she will not be able to change that for him.
The only thing she can do that will make him happy, is either spend 24/7 in his company, or deliver a complete itinerary of her day + witnesses that can confirm.
No way to live, if you ask me.
So, I suggest what other people in this thread have suggested:
the two of them need to sit down and talk about it. He needs to realize that the way he’s behaving is not acceptable.
They might benefot from relationship councelling.
I wish them well.
Personally, I wouldn’t waste my time on the guy. Like Mith says, doesn’t sound as if he loves her. More like he needs her. And if that’s the case, it’s never goig to be an equal relationship, but a needy one.
Chances are if they stick together, she’ll end up resenting him.
“As a friend, the advice is simple: butt out.”
Yep. I agree with ya there.
If the woman friend asked us, maybe we could give her some info.
I have to agree with Audrey Levins here about the need to determine to what extent your friend actually wants advice. Worst case scenario, you give her advice, she tells him, and you become one of the friends he doesn’t trust her to be around and it drives a wedge between the two of you.
Still, ** Cynical Rants** aside, this type of situation usually doesn’t get better. I dated a guy briefly who was extremely jealous and possessive, and he did many of the things you describe your friend’s fella as doing. He would also ask me the same questions multiple times, presumably to catch me in a lie. I am of an age where I can generally be honest about relationships in which I acted less than admirably, but I have to say, in that case, the only thing I did wrong was to let it go on for as long as I did. Couldn’t see the forest for the red flags, as it were.
“jealous and possessive” or ‘controlling’ ?
Control freaks usually have a rather set venue:
–get her to get rid of her friends
–get her away from her usual activities
–get her away from her family.
Then:
–make her completely emotionally dependent on Him -her boyfriend
A bit down the road, but almost sure to occur:
–Possibly beat her up.
YMMV (Your mileage may vary).
Handy is right on - I dated “that guy” for 8 years until I figured out what was going on. Of course, I started when I was 17, which makes it initially the innocent high-school relationship. Sorta.
I initially wasn’t concerned, and found it extremely flattering that this guy wanted to spend all this time with me and was concerned about me when I was away. Of course, hindsight is 20-20 and Handy’s list there pretty much describes what happened, except for the physical abuse (there was emotional abuse where I was made to feel dependant on him for my employment, because we worked at the same place and he implied severe consequences to my career - which, incidentally, never came to pass).
Long story short, I was in that couplehood realm where anyone who said “this isn’t right!” wasn’t taken seriously. Of course now I realize they were right…
Some things one must learn for themselves. As long as there is no physical or sexual abuse and there are no children involved, I’d suggest being there for your friend, offering advice if consulted, but letting her find her own path.
It might be worth pointing out that jealousy and possessiveness typically beget the behavior most feared = infidelity. If someone is not trusted, they may act out against that mistrust.