TLDR version: I’m virtually certain that a friend I have not seen in a few years has slid into dementia. I just realized I have a phone number for her and would like to call, but would appreciate tips on how to talk with her as I have almost no experience being around people with dementia.
LONGER VERSION: I have an old friend with whom I’ve shared many experiences despite the fact that we have never lived in the same town (we met when she was working for an American business group in Taiwan and I held the same job in Indonesia). The closest we ever came to being “neighbors” was when she lived on the island of Oahu and I was spending a lot of time on another Hawaiian island, so we got together fairly often.
I was around for two very significant events in her life: One, the day she returned to Oahu after staying with me for a few days, she found a lump in her breast which turned out to be an extremely aggressive breast cancer that would have killed her if she were not viciously determined to fight the insurance company to get the best, most experimental treatments available.
Second, her partner of many years left her and kicked her out of his house when she was finally cancer-free and able to marry him (she was in an insanely protracted divorce proceeding for over 10 years). I helped her go through all her paperwork and pack up her office in the days just before she left for California to start a new life there.
We’ve written occasional notes (she uses FB Messenger, which I hate) but it’s become clear she is no longer with it, as she tells me things/asks me questions that show she does not remember any of the above. (Just a few minutes ago I got a message asking her what island I live on.) Or she’ll tell me she hates Messenger, will I please email her - then I email her and get no response. Or she’ll post a bizarre comment on a photo from over a decade ago that is on my (completely defunct) Facebook page.
Dementia is a very credible explanation, as her mother lived for years with Alzheimer’s, and also I think some of the cancer treatments she received can result in diminished memory/intellect. So, quite possibly a double whammy of bad genes and physical stress on her body, plus all the personal issues she’s had to deal with (the last time we communicated during which she still seemed “with it,” she told me that her daughter’s estranged husband had just committed suicide/OD’d; her daughter, to be brutal, is a bit of a f**kup and has been a big stress for her mother).
I just discovered I still have a cell phone number for her, which I’d forgotten since we’d been in such different time zones for much of the time that it’s never been our primary method of communication. But she is in California and I’m in Hawaii now, so I can call. While it’s possible it is not in service, I will assume for the moment that it is, and give her a call. But I have no clue where to begin, other than to be kind and patient and hope she recognizes who I am.
If Dopers who have experience dealing with old friends with dementia have advice for me, it will be gratefully accepted.