Advice for people who haven't had relationship success

In My Humble Opinion
21

I’ve never had a romantic relationship. I don’t know why, no one does, but no one I ask can offer me any real answers why no one wanted to go out with me long term, except, “I dunno.”

But you have to be realistic in life. Whether it’s dating or jobs or anything, if something happens more than once or twice to you, it’s YOU. Well there’s a 99.9% probablity it’s YOU :slight_smile:

But so what? I used to frett over not ever having been in love and stuff like that. But so what? As I got older I realized you don’t get what you want in life.

And when life doesn’t give you what you want you can complain or you can DO SOMETHING about it.

And then I learned, you can lose or fail even if you REALLY TRY. Too often we are told by talk shows, movie plots, self help books, failure is our fault. Sometimes it is, but it’s really more complex than that.

While it takes two to make a good relationship it only takes one to make a bad relationship.

Never being in love is not a good thing. Never having a realationship isn’t a good thing, but you have to be realistic too.

I’m way past the age where this matters anymore. I have to look at my WHOLE life and know that love and relationships are never gonna be more than part of my life or anyone’s life.

And I also have to be realistic about the fact I’m 46 years old and my life’s drawing to an end. I can spend the next ten or 20 years bitching about never having been in love OR I can use that time to do other things that make me happy.

Like reading, learning about things, taking walks, going to the gym, trying different foods, etc etc

No use complaining about something you can’t change. And nothing ever changes simply because you complain about it or don’t like it.

And above all APPRECIATE what you have got. No matter how little that is, 'cause someone is always worse off than you.

People are fond of saying, “It’s never too late,” but you will find out as you get older, usually, it’s later than you think

So while it’s OK to be sad or mad, don’t let it interfere or rule your life, and remember just because nothing good happened to you today doesn’t mean it can’t happen tomorrow.

22

What are you defining as a “serious relationship”? 23 is only about a year out of college. I would be more concerned if someone never had ANY sort of intimate relationship at 23 than if they merely had a number of casual relationships. One is an inability to connect with people, while the other is a choice not to get too serious with any one person during a time in your life when you expect a lot of changes and aren’t ready to settle down.

23

I was a bit of a late bloomer when it came to relationships.

I’ll add to look at what might be irritating little things that will make others think twice about a second date with you, even if you have what you thought was a textbook perfect first date. Do you chew with your mouth open? Do you have any unwanted facial hair? (e.g. women with mustaches, men with stray nose and/or ear hair) Is your voice too loud? Are you fixated on single topics in your conversation? Even minor fashion faux pas will make someone think twice; socks with sandals, cheesy digital watches, a sweatshirt with kitten appliques, and the like. That doesn’t necessarily mean you have to be perfect, but you should be aware of what the appropriate gender generally considers a deal-breaker.

Don’t expect chemistry with everybody you meet or date. It’s the rare person that can seemingly go from relationship to relationship without some failed dates in between.

Don’t be afraid to say “no” if it’s not right. It can be very empowering, and it’ll do wonders to your self-confidence. An example: I was once in a budding relationship with an otherwise intelligent, attractive woman. Her old boyfriend, who she admitted was emotionally abusive, reappeared on the scene, begging her to come back. She succumbed, but asked me if I wouldn’t mind waiting around just in case it didn’t work out. I said “if you go back to him, I won’t be here when you guys break up yet again.” In a past life, I would have waited like a wuss, eager to play second fiddle just for the chance of possibly ending up in a relationship.

24

Yeah, really, depending on the definition of “serious” that could be way too early a cutoff point. And FWIW a relationship can be “serious”’ yet at the same time disastrous and short-lived and damaging to the person.

And xoferew, it only seems (mostly because folks keep loudly proclaiming so in message boards :stuck_out_tongue: ) like there’s nobody out there who in any way shape or forms wants anything to do with anyone with any “baggage”, nor has any patience at all for slowly working through “issues” of inexperience. There are – it’s just that they’re damn rare to find (geez, it’s the second time this week I post almost the same thought…:eek:)

25

Wow, that’s sad. The more I think about it the sadder I feel. I’m only a few years younger than you, but I don’t feel like my life is almost over. I do think I’ve missed my chance to have kids because in my early 40s the chances of them having some birth defect are starting to get into scary territory. I’m a long-time lurker and I always had the vague image of you as some hot guy with his pick of men, but I guess even if that’s true it doesn’t necessarily translate into satisfying long-term relationships.

Yikes, I hope it’s not really that hopeless. :frowning:

26

I disagree about this, or at least I say that it depends on circumstances. At 23 I had just graduated from an almost all-male technical college in a difficult major. I had hardly any time to date, and in my day-to-day life I didn’t encounter many women anyway.

That’s not to say that I continued to lack relationship success in the following years. Today I’m happily married.

27

I got married at age 44 and had my first child at age 47. He is perfectly healthy.

28

Depends on the guy. Men, like women, have all different levels of sexual experience and a whole host of things they find attractive. Some men are patient. Some are impatient. Some will be creepily turned on by the thought of a virgin. Others will just be cool with it and accept you how you are. Others still will freak out and run away.

I would think a lot of men who are similarly inexperienced would be happy to experiment with someone at or around their experience level rather than with someone who has had twenty partners.

29

I’ll start looking for a meetup group for sexually inexperienced cowards. :wink:

Seriously though, thanks for the encouragement.

30

I was going to say that an interest in comics and/or movies (and even videogames) can be quite a creative and intellectually satisfying hobby, but I scrapped that post in favor of this message: Don’t go off on high pitched nerd screeds about shit no one cares about. It’s really off-putting!

When it comes down to it, all peoples’ hobbies are pretty goofy, so no one wants to hear about how discerning you are because you read “graphic novels” and have you convince them of the validity of your chosen time sink. If you’re genuinely passionate about something, people will respect that, and will respond to it much better than your point by point presentation on the cultural impact of The Watchmen. Or baseball, or 19th century poetry, or the Civil War, or whatever.

I once, no joke, got in an argument with a girlfriend who was insistent that Chewbacca got a medal at the end of Star Wars Episode IV. I don’t even like Star Wars that much, and should have just dropped it. Luckily, we had known each other for a while; and I had previously demonstrated that I am not, in fact, a crazy person. I guess the moral of that story is to pick your battles, and sometimes harmony is more important than being right.

For the record, my OKC profile mentions comics like a dozen times, but I also talk about other interests.

31

That’s true, wolf in second hand clothing. You have to be able to recognize when you’re boring someone, and learn how to make your interests interesting to the person you’re talking to. Also you should let them talk about themself or their own interests as much as you talk about yourself and yours.

(Though granted, no one is interesting 100% of the time, so once you’re actually in a relationship you should be prepared to do a little bit of smiling and nodding every once in a while, it’s just part of the give and take.)

Also yeah, interest in those things can be constructive and creative - I’m mainly talking about people whose only interest is consuming media, which is why I specified playing games, watching movies, etc. I love an awesome in-depth discussion about interpretations of media as much as the next girl. Hearing someone who’s had experience in programming talk about what they like and don’t like in terms of video gameplay or something is also excellent. (I wouldn’t necessarily date Ben Croshaw even if I were single and he was interested :p, but he’s fun to listen to.)

ETA: repeatedly making minor edits to posts is sexy too, you know…cough

32

This post reads totally different if you remove the asterisk.

33

Interests are great as long as they’re not very…interesting.

If your passions do not naturally draw you into contact with a wide variety of people - especially people your own age - expect trouble.

If they’re at all esoteric - even if you can speak intelligently and articulately about them - expect trouble.

Finally, know that the longer you wait - or have waited - the longer it’s going to take, and the harder you’ll have to work, and the more loneliness and frustration you’ll have to hide, and the less yourself you’ll be able to be.

(I speak both from experience and inexperience, and from knowing my own heart.)

34

Yes and no. [sneak bragging] I love listening my boyfriend talk about his interests*, some of which are extremely esoteric. I’m talking about things that very few people that you meet will know exist or care about at all, much less know volumes about. I think it’s awesome that he shows such passion for learning. This might also be weird. But uh, it’s proof that it worked for him. [/sneak bragging]

But if you have very few friends, this is a good indicator that something is off. Maybe you’re just hanging out with the wrong people, but maybe it is time to branch out.

*Except cars. Cars are still boring. I guess it could be worse. It could be golf, like it is for my dad. :wink:

35

My husband and I almost had a serious argument over which captain was better, Captain Kirk or Captain Picard. It’s usually a good thing when geeks keep themselves away from normal people. :smiley:

36

Sounds like we’re in about the same boat. I haven’t given up hope, but I’ll be damned if I could explain why not.

Let me know if you find one.

37

Trying to become whole and complete as an individual and learning to accept/embrace your flaws and imperfections rather than feel overwhelming pressure to change them is pretty good advice. If you pull that off it won’t matter as much that you don’t date. Not only that but for whatever reason it makes you more attractive to people than if you are needy.

38

You have to know how to be a good friend before you can learn how to be a good partner. So seek out good friendships with people of both genders. The better the friendships you have, the better you will be at romantic relationships. You don’t need to have lots and lots of friends, go for quality rather than quantity.

I disagree with this sentiment. My husband and I bonded over the same love of music. We both enjoy watching movies and we play video games together. That is a large part of our life and it’s a part that we both value and enjoy. Who are you to say these things aren’t active, constructive and/or creative?

39

Thinking about the last girl I dumped, who has had a long string of unsuccessful relationships:

  1. Unless you have a prior agreement, don’t expect the guy to make all the suggestions, do everything for you, lead you round like a puppy. Express an opinion occasionally.
  2. If the guy wants to integrate you with other parts of his life, don’t whine “but I want X [or Y] to be just about us”. Instead, be pleased he wants to show you other parts of existence other rather than just you two in exclusivity.
  3. Don’t watch him so damn much. It freaks him out. Chill out, be together, but content in your thoughts and interested in other stuff. Stop with the watching.
  4. It’s a penis, not an ice cream.
40

But by the same token, don’t be bitter at folks who do have romantic success. Look at what successful folks do and emulate it when possible - be yourself, but be a better version of yourself than you are now. All things being equal, put more weight on the example of people who don’t have inherent beauty and charisma in their favor. Go out and experiment to figure out what works for you - five minutes of practice is worth any amount of moping.

For guys especially, who tend to be more literal minded - get used to accepting that there’s a certain amount of Darwinian doubletalk - folks will use nice-sounding aphorisms (I want a girl who shares my interests!) to cover up their base motivations (I want a girl who shares my interests and has boobs!). Look at what people do - what behavior they reward - not what they say they like.