I’ll have to strongly disagree with that. I for one have always wanted to be in a relationship, and in my teens assumed I’d been in relationships in the future as a matter of course. Have children, too (I like children very much). In my twenties a good (male) friend said it was palpable how desperate I was for any female interest. What held me back a quarter of a century after the age you mentioned was not lack of interest but rather the sense that if I were never in a relationship at age x I must be really despicable - often when reading in the paper about a man who killed his partner/ex-partner I thought ‘so, logically, I am a worse human being than him’.
Speaking as someone who six years ago started a major course of self-improvement (psychologically and physically, shedding self-defeating thoughts like the one above, and becoming someone who likes how he looks in his birthday suit), and who recently finally got to hand in his unicorn wrangler’s license and start a really nice relationship, I have to broadly agree to the OP’s four points. I’d like to add the following considerations:
[ul]
[li] Don’t let your self-image be poisoned by past lack of success. It’s just blind chance, not some terrible flaw in you.[/li][li] Don’t take refuge in workaholism or obsessively pursued hobbies, or other obsessions (with me it was workaholism + overeating)[/li][li]Cultivate good friends who like you but can be candid to you. Listen to them. [/li][li] Pursue self-improvement that makes you a better person to be with whether the other person is romantically interested or not. That covers becoming a more relaxed, tolerant person as well as becoming a more physically fit person. Do it for the payoff in non-relationship-relevant human relations - that payoff you can count on.[/li][/ul]
Yes and no. If your self-worth hinges on whether or not you’re in a relationship, that’s a problem that you need to work on, but at the same time, if you’re not getting what you want, then at some point the “blind chance” explanation is going to become implausible, and you do need to ask pretty seriously what you could be doing differently to get better results.
Relationships for most people take practice. You can’t expect to be good at it right away. Every relationship that fails is not a failure, it is just practice for the one which succeeds. You should go on dates with people you’re not that interested in so that you can be prepared for when you go on one with someone you are interested in you won’t freak out.
I didn’t see Markxxx as sad … but quite realistic (well, other than the bit about life drawing to an end at 46!!).
I find the “it’s not too late, you’ll find someone” a bit insulting … sure I’d love to find a partner, but I have a pretty amazing life full of all sorts of other things … love would add to it but so would winning the lottery. Neither are likely and neither are guaranteed to bring you happiness.
I believe society’s ongoing over emphasis on finding the love of your life makes many people unhappy … we’re not all the main character in a book/movie, there have to be lots of side-kicks who don’t win the girl/boy! There are many more important things in life than just finding a compatible companion.
I had a ridiculously sad romantic life for a long time. First serious relationship was with a married man when I was 25 (it was an open marriage, but still). Had a 10 year (!!!) dry spell, followed by some horrible dates. Then when I was 40, I met the love of my life–here on the SDMB–and we had an amazing marriage.
My advice is to stay open to possibilities. You never know what will happen. Along with that, I think you have to give even unlikely people a chance. My marriage was one that shouldn’t work. He was in the UK, I was in the US. I was 40, he was 25. I had a career, he was just starting out. Crazy kids that we were, we made it work.
In 2005 I was 43 years old with a very mixed record of relationship success, and nothing good looming on the horizon. I happened to go a fundraiser for my local public library – I had been a financial supporter for several years. An elderly lady on the Foundation Board started chatting with me, and when she realized I was single, said that she knew lots of people there and would introduce me to some interesting people.
Doesn’t sound all that promising, does it? Well, one of the women the Foundation Board member introduced me to, a women who was volunteering at one of the booths for the fundraiser, is now my wife.
Never mind social overemphasis on finding the love of your life – it’s bad enough with social overemphasis on always being part of a “couple unit”, regardless of whether long-term committed or short-n-quick serial.
The main thing that kept me from getting dates forever was not noticing who was attracted to me. The main thing that keeps me from it now is that I don’t think I’m ready for a relationship, and I’m not into casual sex. So I figure I might as well just have friends.
Without knowing any particulars of that particular person, I would tell them to remember that it’s a numbers game. The more you ask the more you get, but you have to accept plenty of rejection to get there.
I’d say just get out there, and don’t be too picky. Even dates or sex with much less than your ideal will give you confidence for next time.
Also, if they have a friend or relative of either sex who’s better at it, ask them for a makeover on your look and game. I believe there is someone for everyone, but they have to do their homework and footwork to find them.
It’s not a matter of expecting THAT to happen, but of being open to the possibility of SOMETHING happening, SOMETIME. The library fundraiser was hardly the only social event I went to that year.
Join “Meetup.” Just go to local “Friend” and “social” and “singles” groups. Dress well, go in with a positive attitude, and the candidates are numerous.
