Advice for reforming an excessively sensitive sleeper

In My Humble Opinion
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I have been crazy-sensitive about sleeping conditions for my whole life. Noise is the primary problem. When I was a kid, sleepovers were difficult and camp was impossible. In college, the dormitories were nightmarish, an apartment was miserable, and roommates had to be very, very carefully chosen. For years I had a boyfriend who was content to keep separate residences, so I didn’t have to learn to share a bed with another person.

Earlier this summer, I met Mr. Right. He’s handsome, kind, smart, funny, patient, and head-over-heels in love with me. I love him right back. If things keep going so well, we plan to get married in the Spring.

One problem. He snores. And he really, really, really needs to sleep in the same bed with me to be happy. I understand. It’s human nature. I’m the freak here. I can LEARN to sleep in the same bed with him. Everybody does. Everybody expects it. I can do it. Somehow.

So far, we’ve attempted four overnights. In two of them, I didn’t need to be up early the next day, and managed some sleep with earplugs and melatonin. The other two, I did need to be well-rested the next day, and ended up sending him to the guest room halfway through the night.

He’s Mr. Right, so he’s patient and kind and helpful and ready to do whatever it takes to get us sleeping in the same bed. Before we sign up to see a sleep therapist (but for me the neurotic one, or him who snores?), can anyone suggest homespun remedies?

PS–sending him away doesn’t make me happy. Knowing that he’s in the next room makes me feel lonely & guilty. I cried about it this morning.

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Warning: some swearing follows

Ironically - Noise might be a solution. Specifically uniform constant noise, such as a fan.

I have now got to the stage where I can’t get to sleep unless my fan is on. It masks other sounds, and it hides the deafening silence intersperced with small irregular noises.

In the morning, when super[sub]fuckhead[/sub]mega-hyper-happy family next door wake up at fuckoff-oclock in the morning I shut my window and turn the fan from heating to just fanning.

Edit: The female SFHMH is a teacher of small children, so you can imagine she has a voice that makes me want to drill out my ears. And male SFHMH has some irritating grunts, generall lack of respect for silence (drops clangy metal things, leaves clangy metal ladders next to out-house door so that slight wind blows door onto clangy metal ladders at 4am in the morning)

I hate neighbours.

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Sattua, I don’t know that I’m as sensitive a sleeper as you are, but I am definitely a very light sleeper. So I really feel your pain–like you, having Mr Contrary sleep in a different room makes me as miserable as if he were snoring at my side.

We’ve found that as Mr. Contrary’s weight creeps up his snoring increasing a lot. Also alcohol and allergies exacerbate the noise. Much as Lobsang suggested, we use a fan for the white noise factor. It’s not perfect but I can usually get enough sleep.

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I used to be a very heavy sleeper and then something happened, and I wasn’t anymore. This may or may not be applicable, but here’s what I’ve found that works for currently sleeping in a dorm:

  1. Make a bedtime ritual. This is more a general sleep tip, but it may help. Set a time to go to bed and stick to it. If you take a shower before bed, do it around the same time every night. If you read before bed, do that every night (though apparently it’s not good to do it actually lying in bed). Set your ritual, and stick to it.
  2. Don’t rule out drugs. I take melatonin, which I like because it’s OTC, it’s not in any way dependency-forming, and it’s safe to take with alcohol.
  3. Obviously, try to shut out as much sensory input as you can. Wear an eye mask. Wear earplugs. Earplugs, obviously, are very useful. I find the cheap foam type most comfortable, and you can get some that are very good at block out background noise.
  4. Try to relax. Again, it seems pretty self-explanatory, but try to find something (muscle relaxation, deep breathing, whatever) that soothes you.
  5. Perhaps suggest to Mr. Right that he talk to a doc about the snoring?
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To add to my previous post… If I REALLY want to get a decent amount of sleep I go early (but not too early) and take a pint glass of milk, and some snack to ‘balance’ the taste of all that milk.

I drink half the milk. Eat the snack. Drink the rest of the milk.
Warm milk would be better, but I happen to dislike the taste of warm milk. It wouldn’t work for me.

I have memory of being told that the way milk is digested causes the digestive system to be overworked and this in turn tires you out quicker.

Whether via a placebo effect or not, it seems to work well for me.

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A fan helps me, and on nights when there’s really something noisy going on, I turn on a noise machine.

It makes a sound like an huge air conditioner, but comes from this alarm clock sized thing. It really helps me, and is louder than a fan, drowning out more.

I think it’s by ‘Sleep Mate’.

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Earplugs for you, nose strips for him?

This is meant seriously. There are things a snorer can do to become less of a snorer. Other than the nose strips, I don’t know what they are.

When I was first married, I actually appreciated my husband’s snoring, because it reminded me that he was there in bed with me and I liked that. (Which is not to say I don’t still like it, 30-some years later, but by now I’ve adapted.) But it was kind of a problem because my sleep problem is falling off in the first place. He would go to sleep long before I would, and then his snoring would keep me awake. Once asleep, I sleep like the dead so it’s not a problem for me after that. The nose strips really seemed to help, and it seems like we tried some other thing that would keep him from sleeping on his back, which made him more likely to snore.

Good luck!

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I use earplugs that I buy at the drugstore. On the package there is a number to represent how much noise they will block out – get the highest number, probably between 25 and 30.

Also try get him to see a doctor to find out what’s causing the snoring. Most of the time it’s not a serious problem, but sometimes it is caused by sleep apnea which can be a major problem. I believe there are also other causes that can be corrected surgically.

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Another vote for nose strips. I was doubtful, but they really do cut down on my husband’s snoring.

He has sleep apnea, so he got used to sleeping with his CPAP machine. Then he had surgery for the apnea and no longer needed the CPAP. So now he (read: we) sleep with either a fan or a white noise machine. For the first few nights, it really bothered me, but now I sleep better with it.

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One suggestion: find out right now whether or not this is a deal breaker for the relationship. I suspect that it isn’t, but having that confirmed by him will relieve the panic and urgency you feel right now–and that panic and urgency alone will make it hard to sleep!

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Mnementh tends to snore like a rather irregular thunderstorm - when I went to sleep before him this wasn’t such a problem, as I’m tough to wake up, but after my schedule changed and I go to bed several hours after him, falling asleep is a bitch and a half. The nose strips are a godsend. Try them out on your snorer.

Edit: Upon rereading, I see that my situation echoes Hilarity’s almost exactly, so I’m not the only one!

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I’m the snorer in my family. I saw a doctor, and it turned out I have sleep apnea. I have a CPAP machine, and we now can sleep together. I got it before we got married, and he wouldn’t spend the night with me before that. I still need the white noise of a fan as well. We also have the TV on a timer for about an hour while we fall asleep.

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I’m a super-light sleeper, too, Sattua, and really, the thing that helped me most to deal with sharing a bed with a(n occasional) snorer was just to do it. Eventually, I got used to it and started getting good sleep. Fan noise helps, too, as do the nose-strips.

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My husband couldn’t care less that his snoring keeps me in the other room most of the night and when I do sleep with him, I have to use earplugs. He refuses to do anything about it. I think that this is just thoughtless and possibly damaging to his health.

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Thanks for all the good suggestions, guys. I too expect that, in the end, the answer will be to just do it. I’ll go cold turkey when he moves in, and be underslept for a while, then get so tired that I just… sleep. Thanks for reminding me about white noise, and also assuring me that the nose strips can sometimes help.

He’s also trying to get used to sleeping on his side, which stops the snoring.

Now. If I can just get used to staying on my side of the bed, and to the incredible amount of heat he puts out…

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A bigger bed is a worthwhile investment.

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Since he’s being nice and cooperative, see if you can get him to sleep on his side (or to at least turn over if he starts snoring on his back. When my hubby starts snoring, it’s when he’s on his back. I nudge him and tell him to turn over, which he does, then the snoring becomes more of a regular heavy breathing that doesn’t bother me. If that doesn’t help, get him to see a doctor. Could be post-nasal drip (which makes ME snore); tonsils/adenoids; or sleep apnea; or something else. Sounds like you’ve got a good guy there, and you’re fortunate that he’s willing to attack this problem with you. Good luck.

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Especially if the kitchen knives aren’t locked up at night! :eek:

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Exactimundo!