I need some stories or advice on sleeping together
Suavecaveman and I have been sleeping in the same bed 80% of the time for nearly 2 years. However, when we are together he doesn’t sleep well. He wakes up frequently and I don’t think he ever gets good sleep. After a week or so of this he is crabby and withdrawn and just no fun to be around. He’s an only child and never lived in a dorm or other room-sharing situation.
So then we decide to sleep apart for a night or two, during which I get no sleep because I’m used to him being there. And I get crabby and withdrawn etc
When he’s awake he’s very affectionate, but if I touch him at all when he is asleep he jerks away. I’ve already trained myself to avoid touching him in my sleep but apparently the sound of my breathing bothers him too.
I’m out of options at this point, and not relishing the thought of spending the rest of my life in a twin bed like a 50s sitcom.
What size bed do you have? It took awhile for the wife and I to get used to each other, and until we got the king-size, we bugged the snot out of each other. The king made all the difference.
A Full was way too small. A King gives you all the room you need to feel alone in bed, unless you don’t want to be, and then it gives you lots of room to…
White noise generators and the like bug me. I need complete silence, so I wear earplugs whenever I share a room or a bed with someone.
Also, this might be out of left field, but have you had a sleep study? It’s possible your breathing might be louder than the average person’s due to some sort of obstruction. IANAD.
All of what other people have said. If you have the money, invest in one of those mattresses where you can jump up and down and the wine glass doesn’t spill. Anyone know the names?
As for the breathing situation, he will have to get used to it. Honestly I’m surprised he hasn’t already! I am in the same situation, I am a deep sleeper and sleep well all the time, he wakes up at the slightest noise. But he’s gotten much better at it over the years, especially dropping back asleep. Suggest earplugs.
What does he do if you leave the air conditioner running, a fan on, or the window open? That doesn’t bother him?
To be honest deep sleepers and light sleepers will probably never truly sympathize nor understand each other! You’ll just have to accomodate.
Keep in mind he and I have been together over 10 years.
I can’t sleep with another person in a full - they’re just to THERE if you know what I mean.
A king (or even a queen, for that matter) makes all the difference in the world. Depending on your relative sizes I too suggest getting a bigger bed. You can always shnoogie in the middle before you fall asleep, and your honey can scootch over to his own side when it’s time to sleep.
Yes, they both bother him. He grew up mostly in the country and in small towns, and he’s lived the last 4 years in a culdesac.
He claims that a fan is not “white noise” and said that maybe a quieter fan would do a better job of distracting him from the traffic noise. :dubious:
A tempurpedic sleep number bed is what my parents have, but it’s financially out of the question for the next year or so (wedding expenses and saving for our first house).
I’m glad to hear that it is possible for the light and dark sleepers to get along together… eventually.
Me and my ex-GF never worked things out completely, at that, but a couple more ideas:
Is it possible that you’re a snorer, and BF is too shy to say so? Both me and ex-GF can rip the hides off baseballs (well, no, I don’t hear a thing when I snore, duh), but to a point it can be a very comforting sound… sure, when you get used to it.
Other than that, you’ve already thought about the ear plugs, et cetera.
Not twin beds exactly, but is there some way to work out a partways compromise, where one of you spends part of the night in the guest room? No, I’m not saying this is ideal by any means, but relationships involve a bit of compromising, and maybe making arrangements that wouldn’t work for anyone else. Seems to me.
(No, that wasn’t the main issue between me and ex-GF. Well… it turns out she had unfinished business from a past relationship. Sigh, them’s the breaks. We’re still friends.)
I second this recommendation, especially for a queen which is less expensive than king. That’s what we use, and I still get the feeling that the spouse is “there”, but there’s enough room for both of us to roll over and spread out without getting all tangled up.
When faced with the same problem, we created Bedzilla™ - we pushed two full (double) beds together. That way we could easily cuddle before bedtime and in the morning, but we had our own sheets, our preferred mattress firmness, and “space”.
Since then we’ve invested in a king sized bed and other than the occasional sheets war (he is SUCH a sheet hog sometimes), we’re doing just fine.
I’m not certain I understand your partner’s aversion to fans, white noise machines, etc … doesn’t he WANT to solve the problem?
My hubby doesn’t like to be touched when he’s sleeping either - it wakes him up. So I’ve trained myself to leave him alone, although I’ll admit it’s hard, because I love to snuggle. So I cuddle an extra pillow instead, just so I have something to wrap my arms around!
The other thing to consider is that HE may have a sleep problem. My mother finally got prescribed Lunesta because while she was sleeping, she wasn’t sleeping deeply enough, and so was woken up by the slightest sound and groggy all day. She’s been on it for two weeks now, and says it’s a miracle drug, in her case anyway.
I was an only child, by the way, and grew up in the very, very quiet suburbs, and I sleep with other people just fine. If you’re not a snorer, the sound of your breathing shouldn’t keep him up unless he has a sleep problem himself.
But yeah, I’ll also chime in on the bigger bed advice. I love my queen sized.
You’ll just have to accomodate.