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I was an only child, by the way, and grew up in the very, very quiet suburbs, and I sleep with other people just fine. If you’re not a snorer, the sound of your breathing shouldn’t keep him up unless he has a sleep problem himself.
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Several posters have suggested this, but I know he would tell me - very blunt. I did grind my teeth when we met but I’ve got a night guard now.
White noises bother him almost as much as traffic. I don’t get it either. That’s a good idea about crickets or some other more natural noise like water. He really does want to sleep with me, which leads to him not taking the time for himself that he needs in order to be a non-zombie. Right now we’re working on a 4 days on/2 days off schedule, with me occasionally sleeping on his couch or him on my floor.
Part of it is just me getting over my disappointment. Growing up I always cuddled my dogs or pillow or whatever was there. I really, really like falling asleep with someone/thing in my arms.
Several posters have suggested this, but I know he would tell me - very blunt. I did grind my teeth when we met but I’ve got a night guard now.
White noises bother him almost as much as traffic. I don’t get it either. That’s a good idea about crickets or some other more natural noise like water. He really does want to sleep with me, which leads to him not taking the time for himself that he needs in order to be a non-zombie. Right now we’re working on a 4 days on/2 days off schedule, with me occasionally sleeping on his couch or him on my floor.
Part of it is just me getting over my disappointment. Growing up I always cuddled my dogs or pillow or whatever was there. I really, really like falling asleep with someone/thing in my arms.
How about a tabletop fountain? Then it’d be real water noise, not recorded water noise (which always makes me edgy - it’s like the recordings sound hollow or flat or something.)
I got a body pillow when I was pregnant that I still love today for holding while I sleep. Thanks to the queen size bed, there’s room for all three of us - me, my husband and my pillow, which he refers to as “the boyfriend substitute.”
But yeah, if you’re not a loud sleeper, then maybe he should go see a doc for a check-up and see if he’s got a medical problem.
That’s what I’m pushing for. I was on Lexapro for a year, and suddenly I was having a hard time falling asleep and staying asleep. My doc suggested Sonata and it made all the difference.
Third (or fourth) this recommendation. We can be as close as we want in a Queen. When we are in a King in a hotel, we could be in different counties. A full is just too close for the long term.
Well, I think you’ve gotton lots of great advice. I just wanted to say that you sounds just like my mom and dad! Right down to her breathing bothers him. Every move she made woke him up, etc.
It’s not what you are looking for, but my parents have been married for nearly 40 years, and have had separate bedrooms for as long as I can remember. My mom had the queen in the master bedroom and my dad slept on a twin in his den.
I would sometimes find them in the same room in the mornings or middle of the night when I was a kid. Took me quite a while to realize if my dad was in “Mom’s” room, they weren’t sleeping.
Insomniac hypervigilant speaking: Get a queen-- a Full is uncivilized and I could never sleep with another person in one. Never going back. He should learn to wear ear plugs. I also can’t stand the sound of other people breathing when I sleep, or the sound of fans, et c. And in a Full I can FEEL someone’s breath in my face if they are facing me, and that drives me right up the wall. And if I’m trying to get to sleep please don’t touch me-- it’s obnoxious pawing, often too hot or sweaty, that startles me awake (in that context of was-half-asleep, now-suddenly-awake grumpy). Get a teddy bear or something. I’m sympathizing with your man.
So: Bigger bed. Earplugs. Stop yer pawin’. Get a very firm mattress or a futon.
Sounds familiar to me, I used to snore and was restless, the Mrs. liked to cuddle and I had no problem with that at all, but my restlessness was a problem.
I started taking a diphenhydramine (benadryl) before bed and I quit snoring and slept much better from then on.
Also a good 30 min. (at least) of sexercise every night works wonders too.
If we had the room, Mr. Kiz and I would’ve invested in a king off the bat. Instead we have a very nice queen. Neither of us are huge, but neither of us are petite fragile flowers either. We both sprawl when we sleep. I either literally kick Mr. Kiz so much that he ends up sleeping on the floor in his office, or he rolls over so much that I dangle precariously at the edge…:eek:
Heh, one of our fantasies is wondering what it’ll be like once we have a king. Our most fervent wish? “I can finally get some SLEEP!”
Do you take it every night? Does it ever leave you groggy in the morning?
Rhiannon, do your parents have a good relationship otherwise?
I’m having a hard time dealing with the idea that he can love me and not want to sleep with me. My favorite times with him are just between when we wake up and when we get up. I put my head on his chest and he strokes my hair and we talk about the upcoming day. Most of our best sex happens then, too.
Thanks for all the advice. I’ll start looking into Queen mattresses, see if that makes a difference.
Like others have mentioned, try to get your fella to learn to wear earplugs at night. The wax ones you get from the drugstore are comfortable because you mould them into the ear yourself.
I once dated a gentleman with extreme OCD and this was the only way he could handle sleeping in a room with someone else, much less a bed.
Heh - my husband and I started off sharing a twin bed, a few times a week our first year together, and then for a month and a half every night when we moved into a new place together but didn’t yet have the Queen sized bed. We learned to put up with one another’s presence
I’m very happy with the Queen - it gives us enough room to be able to move and not bump into each other, but it’s not so big that we feel like we’re sleeping alone. King-sized beds are just way too big for me (although that’s what my parents have - theirs is actually two twin matresses in the same frame). In fact, the Queen is big enough for my husband, myself, and the cat, who often sleeps on an angle. I don’t have a side, I just sleep in the middle!
Us too! For 6 months though, not a year. Things definitely improved when I got the full sized bed, but now I live on a very busy street and they’ve gotten worse again.
After we get married in Sept we’ll be moving to a townhouse in a much quieter neighborhood, but until then it’s just one more stress on top of wedding stress, family stress, new-job stress, and the like.
Does it make me groggy in the morning?
No, I’ve been taking it everyday for years now. So far with no effects other than being able to sleep and breath better.
My MD had set me an appointment for nasal surgery several years ago. It was scheduled for two weeks from that date. To get by he gave me some samples of an antihistimine. It worked wonders. I bought some diphenhydramine when I ran out and never had the surgery. I have been taking it daily ever since.
Now, I can’t recommend anything to anybody since IANAD but it worked for me.
P.S. The warnings on back say not to take it everyday but I don’t know why…takes money away from the medical profession I guess.
Sorry about the hijack Susan but I never understood why people get all stressed out about getting married. Guess I was just lucky, but it just seemed like a natural progression to me. Nothing changed, I loved her as much as ever, committment as always, etc. I guess I felt like we were married anyway.
Not wanting to sleep with my wife is an alien concept to me. We started out in a single bed.
We finally wound up in a full size bed but only used about half of it. She stayed right beside me for 12 years. Never missed a night.
I haven’t had a decent night sleep since she passed.
Hang in there Susan keep telling and showing him how much you love him and maybe some day he’ll come around. Late night flirtations, sexy attire and romantic atmosphere doesn’t work for everyone but it damn sure would with me. Fell asleep like two peas in a pod.
I second the suggestion of two beds pushed together. It’s the best arrangement we’ve had so far, even though we did it originally as a temporary measure. We did it with two single beds but I would have to look up the width – standard matresses are sized differently here.
I also second the idea of a medical check up, but am aware of the difficulty of getting someone else to go to the doctor who doesn’t want to.
Also, have you tried changing the order in which you go to bed or fall asleep? Would it be okay for example if you let him fall asleep alone and then went to bed or the reverse – he stayed in bed until you fell alsleep and then left?
I’ve got a diferent suggestion, one that seems to work for my wife and I. I’m a light sleeper as well (though not as light as the caveman), and here’s what we got:
My wife has a body pillow which she can cuddle up to and hug at night. I spoon with her while she drifts off, because she’s usually asleep much more quickly than me (occasionally not, then she elbows me for snoring in her ear). Once she’s out, I proceed to roll over and sleep on “my side” of thei bed. We have a queen bed.
You will SLOWLY get used to each other. 2 years is not all that much. One thing you can do is let him get tired and ornery. Sooner or later he’ll get tired enough that he will fall asleep with you cuddling or something, and that’s how you learn.
Or, as bunus cuddling time, have him lie on your lap (with a comfy pillow) while he’s tired, and you can just caress his head and neck lovingly to help him fall asleep. Experiment, and see what’s up. Also, hopefully you guys are going to be able to afford a decent honeymoon, mae sure you get a queen or king bed while you’re away, and then enjoy cudling without consequences at your job. It’s not like you were going to spend a lot of time outside the hotel room anyhow, right?
