Advice needed from the LGBT community

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

After nearly 20 years of celibacy, I think I may have found a girlfriend.

I’m 49, and she’s 42. I met her on FetLife, a social-networking site for people with various “kinks”. She lives in my town. I saw her photo, and was about to send her a message about how nice it was to see an attractive, single woman over 40 who doesn’t outweigh me by 100 pounds. But, before sending the message, I looked at her posted photos.

One of the photos made it plain that she is a pre-op trans woman.

And … I found that I’m okay with that.

She looks completely female. We’ve spoken briefly on the phone, and she sounds female. She’s a woman, as far as I’m concerned. She described her upcoming surgery (about 14 months from now) as “correcting a birth defect”.

To make things even better, it turns out that she is a drummer. She even played in metal bands in Los Angeles in the late 1980s/early 1990s, and her last gig was with an all-female metal band out of Seattle. Why is it so awesome that she’s a drummer? I’m a bass player, and bass players and drummers go together like peanut butter and jelly. Like biscuits and gravy. Like liver and onions. Okay, scratch that last one, I hate liver and onions.

We haven’t actually met in person yet. In the “kink” community (I include her in the “kink” community not because she’s trans, but because she enjoys being spanked, and I’m a spanko, and we met because I posted a photo of my new paddle and she commented on it), the usual protocol for IRL meetings is to have other, trusted people along, and meet in a public place. I have the benefit, thanks to FetLife, of knowing three other local, female “kinksters” to vouch for me (two of whom I’ve spent time with IRL), that I am a gentleman and that I’m not dangerous. She wants to meet me right now. And I’m looking forward to meeting her.

So our entire conversation/getting to know each other has happened at the same time I’ve been talking to my 14-year-old niece. My niece came out as a lesbian about a year ago. She came out to her mother (my younger sister), to her older sister, and to me. Later she came out to my sister’s then-boyfriend/now-husband. But it was a secret from everybody else. There were only the four of us who knew, because my sister advised her daughter that certain other relatives would not take it well.

Well. My niece’s dad decided to snoop her Facebook page, and learned the news. He did not take it well. At the time, my sister had just remarried, and my niece was living with her dad and his wife. His reaction to finding out that she was gay was so over-the-top stupid, that my niece became afraid to keep living with him. So now she’s back living with her mom. But now that she’s been outed, she’s been proudly displaying the rainbow on her Facebook page. She told me about her dad’s reaction, and I promised to punch her dad in his stupid face if necessary (I also provided a disclaimer to the effect that I have never actually punched somebody in the face).

But my niece did me one better. She came out to her stupid dad’s parents, her Papa and Gramma. And they took it very well, and continue to love her.

But I guess the question I want to ask is … how do I proceed with this trans woman? I’m interested in a relationship, and, as I said, I consider her to be a woman, and will treat her like a lady. But she still has a dick.

2

huh… small word.
about 8+ years ago I was the"executive" chef for a small-ish (120 top) wine bar bistro in Houston. We had a bartender called Tommy; being a guy that like guys I got a (not so appropriate for the work place) crush for him. Well after a couple of weeks i finally got up the nerve to discreetly “flirt” with him. we ended up going out few time after the restaurant closed. well after a few dates ( both after hours and during the day time on our off days) we got to discussing what we liked “to do” and if we would like to go to the next level…, at which point Tommy leveled with me that his birth name was Sally:eek:… ( i really did think he was a guy; slightly effeminate but guy, and i’m gay and like guys so I didn’t question. and to be frank my “gay-DAR” if all out of whack anyhow.) At first I was more confused about my own feelings and orientation etc…then i was a bit pissed off that he/she did not bring this up sooner . After getting over the initial shock of this news. I got actually intrigued about the whole situation:confused:. we had a very long talk about the process and the physiological changes/ implications etc… and we decided to give it ago:)…
like a lot of thing in life you never know how things will progress.
We where seeing each other and you know doing “stuff” for about 4 months. We had fun, and in the end that’s what counts. long about the 5th month we met other people and drifted apart. we still talk every now and then about the times past and such. But it’s more in a close friends/ brotherly way.
So i guess the point I am getting at is: if you think you might like her give it a try. but be up front about any hang ups you may have. If don’t find “dicks” to be your thing but are willing to wait for the post op new her then be up front about that.
you never know what the heart will want.:wink:

3

How would you proceed with any other woman?

The exact details of what you two can do together if and when you get to bed will not include PiV for a while, but so what? Are you telling me you’re one of those guys whose “lovemaking” is limited to “insert PiV, grab tits, hump”? Oh wait: “spank, flip over, insert PiV, grab tits, hump”?

Just treat her right man, treat her right.

4

Go out on a date and see if besides spanking you have anything in common seems to me the reasonable approach. See if you click before you well you know click…

5

Sounds a bit crass. Are you angry about something? :confused:

6

Why would you send a message like that?

7

Best thing I’ve read lately is “you never know what the heart will want.” Thanks for that, Nightaudit.

8

Aside from “one picture” you know this how? Was this one picture a picture of her penis? You two haven’t talked about it? That seems like a pretty basic conversation, especially if you found her on Fetlife.

9

I guess I have to be the one to ask: What does your interest in pursuing a relationship with this woman have to do with your niece? Adding her story just seemed like an unnecessary non-sequitur.

10

She self-identifies as a woman, and that’s what you’re looking for. Treat her like you’d treat any other woman. The fact that she has a penis is irrelevant; most likely she’s not interested in using it (you may want to discuss this with her).

In what way is your niece’s narrative relevant?

11

I think there’s two questions here.

  1. What to tell the family?
    That she’s a woman. The other details, while interesting, aren’t really necessary. Like everyone else, she’s probably got all sorts of past identities: you wouldn’t bring up that she used to be a telemarketer unless it happened to come up in conversation. If one day they find out and give you trouble, just say “it wasn’t my story to tell, and I didn’t think it was a big deal. She’s been a woman as long as I’ve known her.”

  2. Will it work?
    No way to know until you meet in person and see if you feel an attraction. Your feelings about her genitalia are complicated, but probably nowhere near as complicated as her feelings about them. Plus, she’s probably used to thinking about the issue. Think of it as a sex toy that’s attached, for now: play with it a bit if you want to, but you both know that’s not your main interest.

12

Develop a new kink? At least for 14 months.

13

Just think of her dick as a giant clitoris. Boom bam, done.

14

It’s been almost 20 years. I barely remember how I used to do it :wink: In all serious, I was a pretty creative “lovemaker” before I went all celibate.

She and I have not actually gotten to the point of discussing sex at all. We “met” barely a week ago, and for the time being we’re just having fun getting to know each other and discovering how much we have in common.

Of course we’ve talked about it. She’s been quite open about her status, and I’ve found her story fascinating. But for the most part, it’s been a side-/non-issue in our conversations. We got it out of the way in our first conversation, and since then we’ve mostly just been getting to know each other, sharing YouTube links of bands we each like, and trying to figure out when we might be able to play music together (actual music, not a euphemism).

15

I was thinking maybe that approach explained the years of celibacy…

Were your two stories supposed to show that you are an open and non-judgemental person? Because I really thought the dad was going to find something on the niece’s Facebook page that was going to lead back to you and your new friend…

16

I got that the OP’s story about his niece was his way of expressing, that he is also worried how his family will take him being in a relationship with a trans-gendered person.

17

To say that you “consider” her a woman would be offensive to her. She IS a woman.

I have been told this by a transgender friend.

18

C’mon, give me a break. I’m swimming in new waters here, which is why I’m asking for advice. I never expected to find myself attracted to a trans woman, so please forgive me for having not performed advance research on the proper way to say everything. She’s being more indulgent with me than you guys are.

No, my celibacy was my own decision, for my own reasons that had nothing to do with anybody else. And in my youth, I made honest attempts to get intimate with very overweight women with whom I’d hit it off. How’s the saying go? “The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak”? I quickly discovered that, when “Mr. Happy” failed to stand to attention, it was not only embarrassing for me, it also resulted in hurt feelings for the woman. After about the third time, I just decided it was best to not go there.

19

That’s how I understood it too.

20

Of course I would worry about that, except that my parents are both over 70, and I actually only worry about my mother’s reaction. I have as little contact with my father as possible, because he’s a racist/sexist/homophobic asshole, and I extremely unenjoy the way he manages to work his predjudices into every conversation. I want to tell him, “Dad, I love you because you’re my dad, but, shut the fuck up. Your attitude is outdated and stupid.”

As far as my family’s reaction to me being in a relationship with a trans woman, why would they even need to know? Why would it even come up? She looks fully female, so why would anybody even ask? Well, at least until my mom starts asking when she can expect grandchildren from me.