For the past several months, and very strongly for the past few weeks, I’ve been thinking about redefining myself as a human being and trying to find my niche in the world.
I’m thinking that I want to accomplish this by “Self Discovery (or Self Evolution) through Self Distruction”. Meaning, I actually WANT to hit the bottom, so I can start the climb back up.
I want to hit bottom so that I can be reborn and leave behind my current life. On my current path, I am just another statistic following the daily routine of sleep, eat, work. While I don’t necessarily feel that I can change the world, I definitely want to change myself and don’t think that I will be able to find the time or the means to do that while living in this scheduled way.
Of course, hitting bottom has to do with giving up all material possessions, place of residence, not having a job.
My current plan is not exactly hitting bottom, but it’s pretty far out there: I want to live in my car and finish college. (I’d still have a less demanding job to pay off my debt and pay for my car and food).
Now, my problem is this. “Normal” people, as defined as normal by common society, do not think this way. They continue with their programmed lives and don’t think about the fact that while they are living, they are not really human. In my opinion, these people are not free, because they are stuck working and living in the system.
So, I guess my question is… should I strive to be "Normal? Should I try to find the steady career, buy a house with attached garage and have 2.5 kids? Should my ultimate goal be to procreate, and then when I’m 60 have a heart attack and die?
or… should I strive to be more human, to get back in tune with the basics of life and how I interact with the world?
My fears about changing my life plan are: ending up dead before I’ve truly lived; changing my mind in the future and deciding I want to fit into “Normal” society, but not being able to; not making a difference in anyone’s life; not being able to rebuild myself after hitting bottom; going to far down and become a shell of a person.
But, my fears about not changing my life are: continuing to be abused by the system; becoming just another statistic; never truly knowing myself…
So, what do you think? Am I insane? Should I not be thinking this way? Or, am I in the process of finally becoming intuned to the true path of enlightenment?
Should I seek help, because “Normal” people in common society don’t think this way? Or, should I continue with this plan?
Well, I would work on doing away with the fears you have. If I understand the meaning of self-destruction you’re using, then it’s all about dealing with fears. I don’t think it’s necessary to renounce all material posessions, just don’t have anything that you can’t stand to lose. Though it may sound cold, this includes the love of others. People die and people change. So appreciate them for the interaction you have with them now, and don’t worry about defending the future.
Also, more “normal” people probably think about this more than you may think.
If you decide later that you want the whole American dream kind of thing, why wouldn’t you be able to do that?
As someone who has gone through something similar, I think perhaps more than giving up whatever it is you have now, you should concentrate more on being able to appreciate it. I have been pretty low, not living on the streets but I have been hungry and cold for a time. Really the greatest lesson that teaches is to understand what you truly need, and what you don’t. If you can afford it, a trip/vacation around the country may do the trick; take only the bare mimimum of belongings and just spend time exploring and experiencing other places and people. You may find that by talking with and learning from others, you are better able to understand yourself. You may need to spend some time truly alone and away from the influence of others, as well, so that you have room to think and decide what it is you want to do with your life. (Find your meaning, if you want to put it that way.)
IMHO, what you are going through is in and of itself rather normal. You may find quite a few people have experienced the kinds of things you’re feeling now. Everyone is different, though, and just because someone outwardly appears “normal” to you doesn’t mean that they’ve just resigned themselves to being slaves of the system. Some may have, and with much regret. Everyone influences the world around them whether they like it or not… not all to the same degree, but the influence is there. My life is devoted to my artwork, other people choose to have children and raise a family. Without their children no one would exist in the future to appreciate my work, and without my work and the work of others, their existence would be less enjoyable. In this way we aren’t that much different.
Anyway, I’m rambling. The jist of it is that I don’t think you should be alarmed about what you’re feeling, just make sure any actions you take are well thought-out and you don’t do anything irrational or to harm your future. There are more ways to self-discovery than self-destruction.
They would disagree. They are thinking about the responsibilities they have to themselves, their families and others. When other people depend on you, Your options are limited as to lifestyle choices. Some are happy with a “rut” because it is comfortable
Remember, what you consider to be the optimal lifestyle and what somebody else considers to it are going to be different. There is no one “right” lifestyle and I hate it when people feel they must tell me that I’m not living the right way (sinning too much, not sinning enough), that I’m less of a person because my prorities in life are different then theirs. However, I also feel that your responsibilities should be honored. If you don’t feel you want to do that, you can walk away, but be aware that all actions have consequences. It’s much easier to walk away from a job when you are a single college student then when you have a wife, a house and a kid to support, so make your choices accordingly ahead of time.
I know it sounds like moralizing, but What I’m trying to say is, if you get married and have kids, walking out on them is shirking your responsibilities, because now you are hurting others with your choices.
You should live in the way that best defines you, how you want to live. If that means roaming the world in search of yourself, so be it. If that means getting married at 20 and living in the same pre-fabicated home and having 2.5 childern and a dog/cat while working in a box, but this is what you want, so be it. What are your goals? What are your priorites? Make your choices in accordance to these be aware that certain choices will shape your life from years to come, making the road harder or easier.
Just remember that most others don’t share your view of the world and life, and if you don’t like others judging your lifestyle, be very hesitant about considering theirs to be in error(unless they beat their spouses/kids or something like that). If someone is happy working for a huge corporation and coming home to a wife and kids, you don’t have to right to question that. Nor do they have the right to question your choice not to do that (though if you refuse to work and apply for welfare instead, then complaints will be more valid).
I have goals in my life that I eventually want accomplish, but those are balanced by day to day goals, determined by my prorities. That means career in the near future to develop my financial abilitly, as well as the ablility to determine my own life to a greater extent (hard to travel when you are flat broke). Until then, I continue to work on other areas of my life, those that I don’t feel are important. Thus my choices are in contrast to those around me, because I have a different set of priorities and goals.
I’ve walked away from jobs because I considered the time to be more important then the money, and don’t regret it. However, now I’ve come to a point where money and experience are more important to my goals, so I am now searching for one.
I write and continue to develop my particular art, but don’t seek fame or money from it. I do this because I find it rewarding in itself, far moreso then an activity a friend of mine does (Clubbing). I’m sure he feels the opposite, but he does respect the fact I enjoy writing more, while I respect he is far more social.
My goals at this point do not include a family or SO(though this point tends to really frighten or disturb people), but so be it.
How do you define “More Human?” Chances are, your defination and mine would differ. I don’t think there is a strandred defination, written in stone.
I think none of the above. I think you are trying to determine how your life should go. (I’d say Life-path, but it sounds too much like something a new-age guidence counselor would say).
Normal is arbitrary and subjective. Also highly overrated. I don’t consider myself normal, but very strange and am proud of it.
Do you feel that money and it’s benefits are worth it? Focus on Career. If you feel that having a family is important, find a SO and have a couple. If you want to be free, probably best to find something less permenat in any regard.
I know it sounds like feel good stuff, but just airing my thoghts on this. They are not wrong, and neither are you, so live and let live.
Thanks… **
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Sounds like you’d be interested in the movie “Fight Club”. The only thing I’d worry about is the fact one of the characters considers hitting bottom something that should be shared with all of society in an unheathly way.