What are your thoughts on how much texting is too much before a first date?
I met this guy on OkCupid, and we exchanged some messages back and forth (usually a day or so would pass between responses, I log in once a day at most).
Then he sent me his number, and yesterday I texted him to say hello.
So yesterday evening we texted back and forth a bit, basically chatting about different things, until about midnight when I told him it was about time for me to go to bed.
Tonight he has been texting me since about 7:30pm (its 10:30pm now), seeing how my day was but also asking some ‘first date’ type questions - what would I do if I won lotto, etc.
The thing is, I’m not a texter. I don’t text this much with my best friend, and I am beginning to find it aggravating.
On the other hand, I do like this guy based on the communication we have had so far, and I am not sure if I am being the weird one here.
We haven’t actually set a first date yet - my work schedule means this would be the 3rd at soonest. I’m perfectly prepared to be the one who asks him, but I’m not sure I want to if every night between now and then he is going to text me - it’s a bit much for someone I haven’t even met face to face yet.
I’d just text him some of what you’ve shared here. Tell him you’re enjoying getting to know him, but it’s bordering on texting overload for you. Leave it at that if you’re wanting him to ask you out. But YOU could also suggest it’s time to get together and talk over a coffee. TheN make a date for just that. Nothing more. No meal. No movie. Get together, have coffee, chat for an hour or so.
It’s hard to imagine that’s too challenging for either of you. If he’s a huge, texting every minute kinda guy, it’s better to know now, I should think.
(I agree with you, texting for hours doesn’t suit me either. Some people thrive on it though. )
Have you been on an online date before? I can’t tell tell from your post.
The reason I ask is that when I tried online dating, I found out it was a good idea to meet right off. It’s important to message a bit, of course, but it is so incredibly awkward to meet someone you’ve texted/messaged with a lot and discover you are not attracted upon meeting.
To answer your question, if you aren’t a texter, you need to tell him. It doesn’t have to be rude, but be upfront about your likes and dislikes. I don’t mind texting but I absolutely loathe textspeak (“are U going 2” type of thing). I tell people I would prefer they call instead.
Set up a call and talk session. Then you can bring up the texting too much issue. In the mean time turn the phone off. I am notorious for doing that. My kids know how to get around ‘that’ if they need me. They call their Dad. Works everytime.
It’s ok to not like texting, not weird at all. Just like it’s ok if you don’t like coffee or cats. If you feel awkward just “blurting out” that you don’t like texting, feel free to not respond immediately to each text. If he brings it up let him know that you don’t pay too much attention to your phone and just respond when you feel like it.
If this is a problem for him, well, you’ve dodged a bullet.
How do know he is in this 30s and looks the way his photos show? If it is just via OKCupid he may be a total fake and just enjoys texting people, knowing after you meet there isn’t going to be a second meeting.
All of this. During my brief period of online dating, I wanted to meet the guy as soon as reasonably possible just as it says in the first paragraph, to see if there is any attraction. There were guys I really liked online, but took one look at or spent one hour with and I knew there could never be anything romantic between us. That’s the agony and the (potential) ecstasy of online dating. You know why you’re there and if things don’t click, you don’t have much of a chance to let things develop slowly as you would at work, school, church, or some other shared activity. I remember dinner with one guy and I liked him well enough to see him again, but he said, “I just don’t see a romantic future for us.” Ok. Well. Next.
(Oddly, when I did start dating the guy I bought my next computer from, we went to see his daughter in a high school play, and there was Mr. Next–he had clearly found someone. His son was in the play with my new guy’s daughter. He never recognized me although we wound up seeing him and his new gal at several plays.)
The other thing to keep in mind (and this is VERY important): be yourself. If you’re not a texter, say so. Just let it all hang out. If you haven’t even met the guy and you’re already holding back stuff about yourself because… because why? You’re afraid it will put him off? You’re trying to figure out The Right Way to Be? Forget overthinking. Just. Be. You. From. Day. One.
Go ahead and have a couple of phone calls if you must, but my advice is have a face to face meeting right away–coffee only, and in the daytime. And secondarily, arrange the FTF meeting through the site. Don’t be giving out your phone number before you’re pretty sure this is someone you want to be in touch with. Not because of any danger, but just because you don’t want to be getting weird calls at some point in the future.
I wanted to add to this thought. A deal-breaker for me is if the guy is rude to the waiter. You won’t see stuff like that until you meet him in person. Carry on.
Thanks everyone. I think sometimes you just need people to tell you what you already know - I have definitely been overthinking it. Meeting face-to-face ASAP is definitely the plan - I agree that you can tell a lot from that first face-to-face meeting.
Just to throw another perspective in the mix: Back when I used to do online dating, I wasn’t a fan of the “meet-in-person-as-soon-as-possible” method. YMMV, obviously, but in my experience, sometimes taking a little more time to message for a few days, or perhaps talk on the phone once or twice, would reveal enough about their personalities to figure out that we weren’t a great fit, with no in-person awkwardness necessary. If we did continue to hit it off, then I felt more comfortable going into the date than I did if I knew nothing about the guy.
And to address the problem you mentioned in the OP, the best way I’ve found to deal with incessant texters is to just take your time texting back. If he texts you at 7:30, and you wait until 8:00 to text him back, then respond to his next text half an hour later, then tell him you’re going to bed, then you’ve severely cut down on the amount of texts exchanged without having to have any sort of “You’re texting too much conversation.”
I wouldn’t say anything about texting overload. I wouldn’t say anything about not liking texting (yet). I would instead just simply suggest a meeting. Then, after you meet and are actually on your date you can bring up those things (assuming you are still interested).
I completely agree. When I said meet asap, I didn’t mean that same day or anything. To me, meeting in person after messaging for a few days or talking on the phone a couple of times is exactly what I mean by meeting asap. As opposed to texting/talking on the phone for weeks or longer.
Clearly you have to exchange enough messages or talk enough to find out if you even WANT to meet. I mean, do you have ANYTHING in common at all… she wants your first date to be a monster truck rally and he wants to go to the ballet–you have to find out some things. You have to establish whether there is any desire on either person’s part to meet at all.
I missed my editing window but wanted to add that I was at one time in the camp that more texting in the beginning was better. I wanted them to get to know me before we met. I could name any of number of reasons why but deep down it was because I was overweight and felt unattractive so I needed to wow them with my dopey personality because that way maybe they would not reject my psychical appearance so hastily.
Eventually I lost a lot of weight. I am still overweight but have much more confidence in my appearance. This changed my opinion somewhat. While I still liked a little texting first I was much quicker to ask for a meeting. I am not saying this is true of everyone who wishes to drag out the texting portion but I wouldn’t be surprised if it was the subconscious reasoning behind it.
The awkwardness I was referring to is when you have messaged and talked a few times and he (or she) sounds like a great person. Then you meet and something physical is a turn off: he smiles and all his bottom teeth are black (literally), or he clearly posted an old picture, or really, really needs to bathe, or that he looks nothing like the picture posted. It’s awkward because it’s obviously a physical attribute that has ended things.
I also agree that it’s not a good idea to give out your phone number until you meet. There are some guys that are really nice until you tell them (nicely) that it’s not a fit, or the ones that love to send Dick pics unsolicited, or the best of all: a drunk calling you at 4:00am.
Yeah… i’ve had more than my fair share of bad dates. The absolute worst was a guy showing up at my work. We hadn’t met yet. He used Linked In with my first name, job, and city. For some reason, he thought I would find it charming. No more Linked In or online dating for me.
As a man, I have more than just my gender that you and I are at opposing ends of. Regarding exchanging phone numbers, in my experience it needs to happen sooner rather than later. The longer the communication is solely thru the dating site, more than a few days, the likelihood of actually meeting sharply declines. I definitely don’t think meeting in person or even exchanging numbers should be rushed.
Exchanging phone numbers allows additional pictures to be shared, helping to validate that the person isn’t falsely representing what they look like. And for those who simply are not comfortable giving out their number, well that’s what apps like Kik and Snapchat exist. They allow texting and picture sharing (which disappear after being viewed) without sharing phone numbers. Personally, I prefer Kik, as I find snapchat extremely awkward and not user-friendly.
My first experience meeting a girl from a dating site taught me the importance of seeing pictures in addition to the pics posted on their profile. I talked to a girl on exclusively on OkCupid for about a week before agreeing to meet up for coffee. I only saw her pics that she had on the OkCupid profile. Her pics on her profile were honestly, no hyperbole, at least 80lbs lighter than the girl I had coffee with at Starbucks. I only recognized her because she enthusiastically waved me down when I entered the café. I was extremely offended and baffled. What was she expecting? Even tho she looked NOTHING like the attractive girl on OkCupid, she still wanted to meet me Im person. I mean, even if she had the greatest personality in the world, it was overshadowed by her deception. I am not rude, however, so I stayed for about a half hour and had a cup of nasty Starbucks coffee before leaving.
So why did you start your “outside of OKCupid” communication with him via text? Why didn’t you call, or ask for an email address, etc.? If I’m just getting to know someone and they text me, I’m going to assume that’s their preferred method of communication. And if the next day they stay up until almost midnight texting with me, I’m going to keep assuming that’s what they prefer. So when I might have emailed or called them, instead I’ll send a text. Every time you respond, you are reinforcing that you’re fine with texting.
It’s one thing if the volume of texting is getting out of hand – which you can totally mention – but if you’re not a texter, don’t initiate texting with someone.
Similar experience back in the day. Except she didn’t lie about her weight. She lied about her age by about 10 years or so, not to mention at least a couple of serious mental issues. I watched her drool coffee on herself for about 30 minutes and made my excuses. I granted her the benefit of the doubt that the drooling was due to the heavy medication she was likely under.
The problem can be that if they lied on OK Cupid, they will continue the lie on Kik, via carefully curated pictures, no? Unless you mean to video chat? I don’t know, really. I don’t get why people think this ploys ever work.
