Dating and that first phone call.

In My Humble Opinion
1

This is going to be one of those “Just be glad you dodged a bullet Shakes” stories.

About a month ago, I met a woman up at my local bar. We chatted, we flirted, we exchanged phone numbers. You know the drill.

At the time she told me “Call me tomorrow. Don’t wait for that stupid, two day rule.” I found this to be slightly amusing. Anyway, the next day I texted her “Hey, had fun last night. Are you still interested in going out sometime?” To which I got no response. Not getting a text back kind of took the wind out of my sails, but hey, it is what it is.

FF a month later. Again, I’m up at my local neighborhood bar. In walks said girl and sits in the seat next to mine. I’m not going to say she was being a bitch but you could definitely tell she was being stand-off-ish.

Finally, after about an hour of polite chit chat, she tells me “You know, I was really disappointed that you didn’t call me” I told her “But I did call y…” she abruptly interrupts me and says “NO! you texted me. That’s not calling.” She then went on to explain to me the finer points of dating. She pointed out to that a first phone call shouldn’t be a text because it’s too impersonal and shows you have little interest. (To which I say is bull shit)

Here’s my thoughts on texting that first call back:

1.) With out the presence of alcohol in your system, you quite often find that your nerves get the better of you. You wind up tripping over your own words, and the conversation doesn’t flow as easily as it did back at the bar. In fact, it can be down right awkward. Texting, solves all these problems.

2.) It’s an easy out for the person on the other end of the phone. If they are NOT interested for whatever reasons ( i.e. they sober up and decide you aren’t quite as wonderful as they previously thought.) All they have to do is not respond or type “Go away you stinky monkey.”

So what do you guys think?

2

Maybe she wasn’t really interested and she just used that as an excuse. Sounds like she’s an “out of sight = out of mind” type who’s only interested when you’re sitting right there in front of her and paying attention to her. The next day it’s like “Shakes who now?”

3

Ah the new generation. Women like confidence in men, always have, always will. They smell texting as a lack of confidence and thus a turn-off. New technologies don’t change a woman’s psyche.

Your loss.

4

Sounds right to me. Your text may have said “I’m a wussy who lacks the balls to call her.” Or “I’m a promise-breaker.”

Personally, I prefer e-mail. I can take my time and write something thoughtful. But some people need the phone call.

5

Shakes, It seems to me that while she asked for a phone call, your reasoning is solid and yuour intentions were good. She could have simply texted back to restate her wishes, something nice like, “Call me, I want to hear your voice/I’m sick of typing” instead of being all passive agressive in responding to your kind words. Hope that’s not a trend with her. Seek evidence to confirm or disprove.

6

I’m just not sure I buy it. How old is she? I’d think to anybody under 40, a text message is a valid way of communicating with somebody. If she wanted to talk to you, she’d have at least texted back something, if only to let you know you had the right number. If you called, you probably would’ve gotten voicemail, left a message, and she wouldn’t have called you back for some other illusory reason. That’s my take on it.

7

Different strokes for different folks. I know some people - including one woman in her 50s - who looooove texting and would probably have been happy with Shakes texting the next day. This was apparently not one of them.

Also, she sounds a little … controlling? Like, her way or the highway, not realizing that other people might have other preferences? If I was single and met a guy at a bar I thought was nice/cute/fuckable and he texted me the next day with the message Shakes sent, I would have just been all “Hey! It’s that nice/cute/fuckable guy from the bar last night! Yay, he remembers me! :)” but then, I like to think I’m not a controlling bitch.

8

I HATE texting. (Keep in mind that I’m nearly 45.) It’s tedious and you lose all the emotion of a conversation. I definitely agree that texting isn’t as personal as telephoning. She thought you were being a big weenie by texting her instead of calling her. Which you kind of were.

Now that you’ve established that she’s a bit old-fashioned,* I wonder if that’s a deal breaker for you? If it is, then so be it. But if you’re still somewhat interested, then quit being a weenie and pick up the phone and call her! What do you have to lose? You may find that aside from this little hang-up, she’s a delightful person.

*Of course, if she’s REALLY old fashioned, just drag her off the barstool by her hair and drag her to the parking lot while yelling, “Girl mine!” She’ll like that! :smiley:

9

Pretty much that. What if the OP had gone further down the road. She sounds like a person who likes to place landmines for people to step on if they don’t follow her directions to a T. Bullet dodged.

10

Just be glad you dodged a bullet, Shakes.

11

I hate texting too, but I make myself available through text messages because I live in this decade, and it’s kind of expected of people now. Suppose somebody told you “I have a telephone, but I never answer it. I only accept home visits.”

I think this woman liked the attention she was getting, and thinks she can get a little more of it if she convinces Shakes there’s something in it for him.

12

Couldn’t agree more about this woman. Not texting him back was just plain rude and says enough about her to not waste anymore time pursuing her.

Beyond that particular woman though, I don’t agree with Shakes reasoning. If you’re asking someone out for the first time you should do it by phone. Or in person.

Also, if someone asks you specifically to call them you should generally make all reasonable efforts to call them. That’s not really even a dating rule for me… it’s more of a social etiquette rule the comes out of professional experience.

13

Texting is great. The last girl I got a number from we started texting that night and have only talked on the phone twice two dates later. I think it’s necessary to talk occasionally but setting up a date or just making sure they remember you texting is the best way to go.

The problem with calling is if they aren’t sitting by their phone waiting for your call you have to leave a message and then wait for them to get back to you with a response or you’re left playing phone tag. I’d much rather send a message with what I have to say whenever they get around to responding I get a text back and when ever I get around to responding I text back that way we can both live our lives but still have a conversation.

14

Considering the median age of Dopers has got to fall in the late 70s I’m not surprised some people here have a problem with texts. When it comes to dating I typically use texts rather than calling because I hate talking on the phone engaging in uninteresting chitchat. With a text I just say what I want and the person can respond at their leisure.

15

OK - I guess I’m odd man out.

To me sending a text means “I’m doing something more important right now and don’t feel like taking 10 minutes out of me life to actually pick up the phone”

Would you consider it rude to break up with someone via a text? Anythign related to romance requires a little effort IMHO. I don’t blame her for feeling like you just weren’t interested enough to put in what I would consider the minimal amount of effort to ask a woman out.

I guess I’m out of touch.

16

I’m a little surprised to find myself on the “old-fashioned” side of this argument, but I don’t feel like a text is a proper substitute for a phone call in this case.

No, all it does is shift the burden to her. Being able to overcome the nerves is what shows you that the person is worth pursuing. Texting, I think, comes off as lazy.

Bolding mine. People can choose not to respond to a phone call, too. If the telephone conversation is really awkward and one or both parties don’t seem as interested as the night before, you can put the situation to bed a lot more quickly than playing games by texting back and forth. Everyone gets to move on.

17

I also hate texting. If I had asked a man to call me and he texted me instead, and I was in fact really interested in him, I would have texted back “Call me!” That would have let him know that I was interested, without sounding as if I was scolding him. Of course, I also hate talking on the phone, but if you’re just setting up a date, it’s just a few minutes discussing the particulars, instead of a long yapyapyap. On the whole, I’d rather e-mail. And there are men who are intimidated by talking on the phone, and you wouldn’t want to rule out an otherwise wonderful man just because he has phonephobia.

But for a new relationship, asking somebody out on the first actual date, it should be a phone call.

18

Not a criticism, but genuine curiosity: do you usually find yourself engaged in “uninteresting chitchat” with people you’re trying to date? Seems to me like Shakes’ phone call should have been as simple as, “Hey! I had a great time last night and I’d like to go out again, if you’re interested. Are you free on Friday night?” Either she hesitates or is noncommital, at which point, you can leave it to her to call you back if she wants to, or you make arrangements to meet up for a real date. Whichever way that goes, you’ve spent two minutes of your life. Which, depending on how quickly you type, is about the amount of time it would have taken to compose that text.

19

FTR: I would have called her had she texted me back. But then again, she’s not a mind reader so maybe she didn’t know that.

20

My plan doesn’t pay for texting. Texting costs me. I avoid it, if I can.

That said, if someone I had given my number texted me, I’d either text back saying “This costs me, try calling.”, or instead, I’d go ahead and call them.