If I’ve had a fairly decent first date with a woman, and would like to try for a second, what’s the best way to ask? My assumption has always been that email is preferable - it’s unobtrusive, doesn’t put the woman on the spot if she isn’t actually interested, and you can answer it at 3 AM while eating cold pizza. Second-best would be sending a text message - it’s a good option if you’ve just seen a concert or something come up at the last minute, but it’s still less of an imposition than a phone call. And phone calls, obviously, would be the least optimal option.
However, I’ve spoken to some women who frown on email/texting, and prefer that a dude actually place a phone call. Where do the women of the Teeming Millions stand? Does the difference between emailing or calling even matter?
I’m male, but I really think you’re overthinking it. If a woman is going to get offended to the point of it being a mark against you for using the wrong damn form of communication, you’re probably better off staying far, far away. Also, it’s only a second date, you don’t know enough about her, so unless she already specifically mentioned she’s “not a phone person” or “I find text impersonal” I don’t really think it’s a major faux pas either way, I doubt it would even cross the territory into “mildly annoying.” I mean, so long as you don’t call during business hours or at 3AM. I’d say just go with whatever’s more comfortable to you.
Edit: Though I’d say texting might be a little too brief, if you send an email or call her you can at least make some small talk in it so you don’t look like you just value her for the date. That said, I still doubt it’s major.
I’ve always heard that if a guy can’t take the time to pick up the phone and actually call you, he isn’t worth your time. I’ve certainly gone out with guys who have texted or emailed me for a second date, but I have to admit that it caused a few more butterflies to get an actual phone call. Not sure what it is, but it does seem more thoughtful and personal. And maybe a little old school, which can be a bit endearing in itself.
Take it for what you will, but TV’s “Millionaire Matchmaker” always says that women always fall in love with her ears, not with her eyes.
And, fwiw: the guy I’m currently dating (after a string of first, second, and third dates with all kinds of guys over the last two years) really stood out to me because he did actually call to schedule our second date. Like I said, I can’t explain it. . . but it was just so different (and less dismissive) than all the other guys. It really did seem that much more thoughtful, even though it only took him a fraction longer than an email would have.
I think the OP has the right idea, but I would add that I wouldn’t use a new line of communication. That is, if you’ve never sent her a text message before, I wouldn’t use it to ask her out again. But if you’ve previously emailed and/or texted about other things (even just arranging the first date) I’d say it’s fine.
I agree with using whatever method you’ve used to communicate with her thus far. And while you’re using that method, ask what her preferred method is.
Unlike Diosa, I am so notoriously phone-averse that when people need to actually speak to me, they text me to ask when they should call. I don’t doubt that plenty of people prefer a phone call, but I’m not one of them and what I really do love is when someone asks me what I prefer and listens.
“unobstrusive”, “on the spot”, “isn’t actually interested”, “imposition”.
Those words glowed when I read them because I sometimes have similar thoughts and emotions. I can see that it’s not a healthy mindset.
If your choice of media is really motivated by the desire not to be obstrusive, not to put her on the spot, worry that she’s not interested and don’t want to impose on her, then don’t worry so much. You’re doing her no wrong by asking her on a second date. When you think in terms of the four expressions I quoted, it seems like you interact with her on a background of fear that she’ll reject you. You and I know that doesn’t help.
If you choice of media is motivated by the fact that the phone means more direct interaction with her than email/texting which, because of anxiety and fear of rejection, makes you dislike asking by phone, then get used to asking by phone. It will end up helping you; it’s called exposure therapy.
Perhaps you have other reasons for preferring email and texting to phone calls. Perhaps those other reasons are quite valid. But the reasons you mentioned, which come down to “I don’t want to bother her” are not in the right mindset.
I prefer to do as much as possible through text/email/Facebook message, since I don’t really like speaking on the phone. I don’t think there’s a consensus among women on this issue.
I’m not a big phone person, so while I appreciate the idea behind a phone call, it’s not my thing. I think texts are good, especially if they are a part of a bit of playful conversation. An text date might be strange on it’s own, but if you were going back and forth a few times, A 'hey, let’s get together" would be awesome.
Email is my last choice…its what I use for work and people I don’t like much.
This thread made me laugh because the last time I went on a second date, calling was the only option. I don’t think I’m going to have any useful insights for the OP :D.
I imagine age group would probably change things. Believe it or not some of the 50+ crowd are still dating, and we probably are a bit old fashioned on some of these things (though not as old fashioned as you might imagine.) I’ll even text a woman I’m going out with from time to time, but not to schedule a date usually, I still use phone calls for that.
According to my 20-something nieces and nephews though, text is like 95% of relationship communication now, so maybe in that age group it’d be “weird” to call.
A phone call would be my preference, although I know that some people are phone adverse.
FWIW, I refused to go out with my husband when we first met for a LOOOONG time until he started doing the ol’ phone wooage thing. Then I was like putty. But, I’m a phone girl.
I do agree if the first date was set up via e-mail or text that’s an OK way to go. I think it’s how the kids are doing it nowadays…
If I liked you, I’d be thrilled that you called, but I’d be equally thrilled to get a well-written email. I place a lot of stock in writing ability (shallow, I know), so to get a nice email asking if I’d like to see you again would be a good mark for you.
Dude, if actually having to hear your voice and speak to you is an imposition, you’re almost certainly barking up the wrong tree anyway. Only people who have massive phone issues will object to you calling, provided you use some basic sense about timing.
The thing about using methods where she can reply at 3am eating pizza and scratching herself as the mood strikes is that you can ask her out the same way. When that happens, it’s harder for her to tell if you actually want to see her again, or if you happened to be futzing around and thought “eh, why not?” And, of course, it’s harder for you to make the same distinction when she replies via that method.
Plus what Diosa said about the butterflies. A voice is a lot more human, and a lot more evocative, than text on a screen. It’s…more of a connection. Calling someone says, in part, that you want that bit of connection that comes with hearing their voice.
It’s not an issue of “offending her”. It’s just that text messaging can be very short and impersonal. Plus it doesn’t convey a lot of information and can be easily dismissed or forgotten. With a phone call, you can take into account inflection and tone. Then follow up with an email with all the logistic information.
It’s like sales. You want to have as many positive “touches” as possible (so you can have many positive touches later;) ).
I’m a dude, and way older than the text generation, and my opinion is that you can’t beat the personal touch of a phone call. It shows you care more than a text or email does. It shows you want to hear her voice and interact with her in real time.
Although, the correct answer to the question (and the approach that I used back in the day) was always to arrange the *second *date while you were still on the *first *date. Problem solved!
This. I suspect deep down you may be ruling out a phone call not out of courtesy, but rather out of fear. I’ll admit that when I choose to text/email a girl over calling her, it’s usually because I’m being a pussy, not because I’m considering her feelings/wants/needs. It happens, we can’t all be supremely confident Don Drapers all the time.
That said, from my perspective calling has it’s benefits:
As I mentioned it takes more balls to call than text. Most girls will appreciate the effort, even if it’s not their favorite method of communication.
It’s more personal, so she’ll feel special, not like an afterthought.
Speaking is less ambiguous than text. You’ll be able to gauge her true reaction in real-time from what she says and her tone of voice. It will let you know how interested she is, if she’s excited, etc. It will give you tons of fodder to obsess over until your second date!