Advice sought: loud office neighbor (warning: possible office politics)

In My Humble Opinion
1

I work in an office setting, and I have my own office. I have a neighbor, also in an office. The two offices are at a corner in the hall, so they are at a 90 degree angle. His door is maybe 10 feet from my door. We both have doors that close.

Problem the first: his voice is loud. I don’t just mean loud, I mean LOUD. He could have been an actor before they had amplification, his voice would have reached the rafters and beyond.

Problem second: he likes to have phone conversations on the speaker phone, which he has on a very high setting. He does this even though he is perfectly aware that other people can hear the conversations, because he is very careful to use the handset when the calls are personal. Also, he does know how to turn down the speakerphone volume, because he does it - very occasionally.

Problem third: I can still hear him even when I close my door. I don’t like to close my door, because part of my job is helping people who come to ask for my help, and if my door is closed they seem to be diffident about knocking or coming in. Or they think I’m not here.

Problem fourth is personal: we’re both gay. He seemed to think, when we met (I’ve been here forever, he is a relative newcomer) that this fact would make us instant friends. But he is a quintessential type of gay man who sets my teeth on edge. He is fussy, thin, walks like John Inman on Are You Being Served, brings a lot of personal business to work, fusses about what he should be wearing, and so on. I don’t know if I’ve done him justice with this picture, suffice it to say that I am not drawn to him on a personal level, and he seems to feel this as a slight. I’m not talking sexual attraction or anything like that, I just don’t socialize with him, or want to. I am polite when I talk business with him, he seems to now barely tolerate me.

So: I think his voice behavior is inconsiderate, and I would like to take steps to encourage him to change; if he can’t bring his voice down, I want him to close his door more often, and use the telephone handset more. The only choices I have thought of to convey these wishes are:

Mention it to his boss, as a personal request, to ask him to tone it down. There are many things wrong with this.

Speak to him directly. This appeals to me as the most honest approach, but it also scares me.

I prefer not to indulge in anything anonymous or underhanded. So I’m looking for any other ideas you intelligent folks might have. One other point: he is a manager (my peer, not my boss) and I need to be careful not to embarrass him in front of the people who report to him.

Or if you’d rather, just share your similar stories.
Roddy

2

Why would speaking to him directly be frightening? I get the gist of it that you’re not a big fan of his, but he doesn’t seem threatening.

It certainly doesn’t have to be anything said or done in front of anyone else. Maybe just pop into his office and quietly mention that you find it distracting to hear his conversations, and could he perhaps close his door?

If that doesn’t work, then a chat with his boss would be appropriate. But I think it’s a better idea to try to discuss this with him personally first.

Good luck. I’m a total chicken when it comes to things like this because I really dislike making me or anyone else uncomfortable.

3

Would it be possible for you to get up and close his door every time he does this? Possibly giving him the Look Of Doom while you do so? Or get his speakerphone taken away? Get him moved to another office, preferably in the opposite side of the building?

I don’t think you’re going to solve this problem without talking to him or his boss or both. Well, maybe you could come in after hours and install corkboard wall covering, but that would involve a lot of money and labor on your part. Putting a shock collar on him would probably be frowned upon.

4

If he has a door, simply walk over and close it. That’s what I do. I also have a headset and listen to music to drown out conversations.

5

If they have adjoining offices, the sound might be coming through the wall, not the door.

6

I kinda like **PunditLisa’s **approach, just closing his door as needed. Although, that might not work if you are involved in calls of your own.

There is a recommended approach to this kind of coworker conversations that I find gives a good outline.

D - Describe the situation in neutral terms “When you use your speaker phone I can hear the conversation in my office.” Don’t assume he knows this, his use of the handset might be in case someone can hear, not with a full awareness that you hear every word on the speakerphone.
E - Emote Describe the situation and how it affects you. Use I statements “I find it hard to concentrate and I find when I close my door it discourages people from coming to see me when they need my help.” Avoid judging words like “disruptive, inconsiderate” and you statements, like commenting on his voice.
S - Suggest - You have your suggestions handy - Speak more quietly, close his door, use the handset, ask for a headset, turn down the speakerphone.
C - Consequences - These should be positive consequences for him following one of the suggestions. Might just be that you’d appreciate it, or that you’ll reciprocate by closing your door when you have something disruptive going on.

If this doesn’t work the first time, repeat once with positive and negative consequences, like the talk with his boss. At that point, if that doesn’t work, go ahead and talk to a manager. When the manager asks if you’ve tried to resolve it yourself, you’ll have a solid answer.

7

Yes I’d try talking to him a few times casually, when the problem is actually happening. Something like “Hi can you turn down the speaker phone/shut the door? I have to be on a conference call in five minutes.” If he seems agreeable than do that a few more times to see if he gets the hint.

If nothing changes then I would ask my own boss for advice. Not to demand they fix it, just to ask what they think is the most diplomatic solution. You can’t really fault someone for talking to their own boss about a work problem, and really your boss is the person who is supposed to make sure you have what you need to do your job.

8

I really appreciate the responses. I guess I need to say more about why speaking to him directly, although that is objectively the best approach, is difficult for me.

Basically, we got off on the wrong foot. He thought we were going to be instant best friends, I’m never that fast off the mark with making new friends, so as soon as I didn’t respond in kind, I think he thought I actively disliked him. So our current relationship is mostly avoidance - we don’t have much cause to interact together about work. I don’t have any personal relationship on which to build a conversation about this that is in a friendly tone. Walking over and closing his door, without having had a conversation about it first, would (I think) be too confrontational.

However, I think I can maybe build on Harriet’s suggestions, and I will see if I can make that work for me. I don’t think I will ever move to the the “Consequences” stage, though - I’m too afraid of open warfare.

My boss, by the way, is on maternity leave and won’t be back for another month or more. There isn’t anyone else to speak on my behalf except his direct boss. So I guess it’s either speak up for myself, or just continue to bear it.
Roddy

9

Sound-canceling headphones?

10

Sometimes deaf people speak loudly so they can hear themselves, maybe that’s why he’s got the speakers up too. He’s willing to go for the extra concentration required to keep his personal calls private.

I don’t know if you could try approaching from that angle. He’s not going to want you to think he’s deaf so maybe he’ll flounce off denying it, but henceforth keep his voice down - or get his hearing checked.

“Hey - good news about my (insert modern myth person here) - she started talking really loudly, it was very disturbing - and guess what - she got her hearing checked and it turns out she had a wax build-up…”

11

Surely there are issues of confidentiality here? I mean, if you can hear what he’s saying, so can other people.

12

I think **HtS **had a great round of suggestions. You might toss in what you stated to begin with as a bit of flattery to open the conversation – “Have you ever done any acting? Your voice carries so very well!” and then lead into the rest.

He might very well not be aware that his voice carries the way it does. He might also not be aware just how obnoxious it is to put people on speakerphone. Working in a call center, I get those people on the phone all the time, and I usually do the “I’m sorry, what? I am having trouble hearing you, there is an echo. Are you using a speakerphone?” to get them to pick up the handset.

I would say that from the (limited) information you gave, he sounds more clueless than rude. If he were the big drama queen, he wouldn’t be using the handset for his personal calls – trust me, I sit directly across from the idiot who has her personal drama phone calls every frickin’ day at top volume with her door open. She uses her “inside voice” for work calls, though.

13

My neighbor across the street, Matt, knocked on our new neighbor’s (Chris) door one day. Chris kind of assumed that Matt was there to introduce himself and welcome him to the neighborhood like the rest of us had done. Nope. Matt simply wanted to complain that Chris was mowing too far into what Matt considered to be his yard.

Needless to say, Chris’s impression of Matt was colored negatively from that day forward. Had Matt introduced himself first and later brought up the mowing issue, it wouldn’t have been a big deal. But you should never have your first meaningful conversation over a complaint, if you can avoid it.

My point to this story is that if you’re sensing tension with this guy, my first course of action would be to heal that relationship. You don’t have to be social friends with a co-worker, but it is always best if everyone can be cordial. So my advice is to bring in doughnut (or whatever) one day and make a point of offering some to him. A peace offering, if you will. Hopefully that will thaw out whatever tension you both feel. Then make a point to smile at him when you pass him in the hallway.

Then, in a few weeks you can either approach him about how loud he is or simply go to his door and close it when he’s being too loud. Except make a point to make eye contact with him and smile to show that you aren’t annoyed. That’s what I do and I don’t think I’ve ever offended anyone over it. And then when you make phone calls, make sure you close your door, too.