advice to this stranger

In My Humble Opinion
1

advice to this stranger

I have been a lurker on these boards since about 2003. I am a much better listener than talker. I would be most grateful for any advice on putting my problems into perspective. Hopefully I am not being too presumptous, I seek no sympathy and try hard to remain pragmatic.
Background
Last feb, my family (wife, boy 6 and girl 2) had to quickly vacate our home following an earthquake that rendered out house uninhabitable. I feel numb for the 182 people who died this day.

We packed a carload of posessions and moved around our circle of friends for 6 weeks before finding a home to rent in an undamaged part of town.

With the help of friends, in the week that followed the earthquake, we managed to pack up our house and clean up the mess.

On march 31, my father died from cancer (diagnosed on 24/12/10). I had been driving to visit him most weekends the 360km between our towns. My wife stayed at home looking after the kids. Again, with the help of friends, we moved on this same weekend.

My wife suffers chronic depression. Our circumstances are really weighing her down. I don’t know how to support her. She takes medication (venlafaxine, 600mg from memory) and sees her psychiatrist each month. Recently, she admitted to me that she has felt suicidal this year.

Our boy is a gentle soul but seems to lack good friends at school. Yesterday I learnt that his teacher suspects he may be the victim of bullying. He has also started hitting out at other children on occasion.

Our wee girl is a funny little sausage and I think that her elephant impression is probably the cutest in the world.

The house rebuild plans are being stymied by an argument between our insurance company and the governmental earthquake insurance agency. I can’t see things moving for another year. In the meantime, I have nearly exhausted our rental cover portion of our policy. Government rent assistance schemes exist but i am not sure we fit the criteria. I can’t think of an income stream to pay my rent on top of our mortgage next jan.

Questions
How do I hold things togther for the next year?
How do I help my wife?
How do I insulate our kids and protect them from all this mess?

thanks.

2

To start with - I’m sorry for all you and your family have been through. It sounds like you’ve had a hard row to hoe, and things are going to be tough for a while now.

Where are you, if you don’t mind me asking? Having a guess, are you in New Zealand? Knowing what country/state you’re in will enable people to suggest resources and support services that are more specific to your situation.

In the short term, without knowing exactly where you are, I would suggest getting in touch with churches in your area, and seeing if they run or allied with any charity services. They may be able to offer you low-cost accommodation, or get you in touch with counselling/legal services that can help you navigate the government rental assistance schemes and see if you’re entitled to any sort of further support.

Another option, though not ideal, might be for your wife to contact a women’s shelter and see if they have any accommodation options for women with children. It may mean that you have to stay in a hotel room, but might offer another option to give your kids somewhere stable to stay in the meantime.

3

looks like the combined shock of losing one’s house to calamity and having to re-locate to an unfamiliar community. the former is often tough on the mother while the latter is to the kids (maybe not toddlers and infants.)

in picking up the pieces, one sometimes has to skip everything except the most basic necessities. it also looks like you’ve tapped most support mechanisms you have (financial hedges, relatives, friends.) if you see the rest of the family having a hard time, it’s up to you not to get depressed yourself and slowly work towards greater comfort and cheer in the home.

all the best.

mac