OK, this thread is about people who think they will be single the rest of their lives. Some of the people posting in that thread are thrilled about it, some are resigned to it, and some are downright miserable as a result of it. The former group have made it quite clear that they do not want to hear from people who used to think they would always be single until they found true love, and they certainly don’t want any advice.
Which is fine, and I can respect that. For the benefit of the other people who have posted in that thread, however (i.e., those who are convinced for one reason or another that they will be forever single and who are not happy with their lot in life), I thought I’d start this thread as a place where those of us who have been in their shoes can give encouragement and advice.
I can’t tell you how strongly I identify with many of the posters in that thread. Like many of them, I had never had a long-term relationship (heck – not even a short term relationship, if the truth be told) throughout high school or college, and at the age of 35 I became utterly and irrevocably convinced that I was slated to die alone and unloved. I even went out and bought myself an impractical sports car, figuring that I had nothing better to spend my money on and that I might as well have some enjoyment in life. As to why I was unable to have a relationship, I was completely convinced it was primarily due to the fact that I am just too damn ugly for any woman to be attracted to. I’ve been overweight since early teens despite numerous attempts at diet and exercise, I have a schnozz the size of a minor planetoid, etc. This, of course, made me very insecure about myself, and we all know what a sexual turn-on complete lack of confidence is, right? Basically, I exuded the sex appeal of a turnip.
In addition, I was very intellectual and introverted – a real boring nerd. I was also raised in a very restrictive religion that frowned on (among other things) alcohol, premarital sex, and dating anybody outside that religion. Even though I stopped going to church when I was 30, I just could never feel comfortable hanging around bars trying to meet people, and was convinced that no modern-day woman would date a guy who didn’t drink and who wasn’t looking for sex before marriage. The only women I met who shared my values were also extremely religious, and I swore I would never get back into a religion (organized or otherwise).
When I hit 35, I decided that I didn’t really want to die alone and unloved after all and that I wasn’t really as resigned to that fate as I had tried to convince myself. And so, after a hiatus of about 5 years, I cautiously reentered the dating pool via the whole Internet dating thing. I can’t say I had a single decent date as a result (and the number of rejections and ignored e-mails nearly staggered me back into a deep depression), but some good did come out of it. Basically, it got me back into the right frame of mind. I had really let myself slide since “giving up” 5 years before, so I started back in with the diet and exercise. I didn’t suddenly become thin and sexy, but I did manage to drop 30 pounds – just enough to make me feel a bit more hopeful and confident in myself. I also did some massive cleaning in my apartment and started taking more pride in how I dressed, just on the off-chance that I might need to impress somebody I met on-line. And I let my family, friends and co-workers know that I was available and looking, in case anybody had any friends they wanted to fix me up with.
There was one other thing, though, that made a huge difference in my life, and I hesitate mentioning it for fear that people will take it the wrong way. For the first time in my life, I considered dating somebody from a completely different culture. I had always assumed that the most important thing in finding a “match” was to find somebody with a similar background and cultural upbringing, and I also assumed that nobody from a different culture would ever be interested in me, both because of cultural differences and because I would obviously not match whatever “ideal of beauty” existed in that culture.
Well, as it turns out, I was wrong. When one of my Chinese co-workers asked if I would be interested in meeting a family friend (also Chinese) who had been living in the U.S. for a few years, I decided it was worth a shot. Her English was fine, she had a good job and she was intelligent, funny and beautiful (to me, at least). And, to my amazement, I discovered that she thought I was funny, intelligent and handsome. I guess there’s something to the old “exotic is beautiful” theory after all, since she really thought my “big eyes”, huge nose and pale skin were all very attractive, and my weight didn’t bother her a bit. In fact, she really didn’t care one way or another how I looked – she was just so impressed with how nice of a guy I was (especially compared to all the Chinese men she had dated over the years). I also found that her perspective on life matched mine almost completely, even though mine came from a religious upbringing and hers came from a completely different source. To make a long story slightly less long, we ended up dating for 10 months and got married a few months ago.
OK, this is turning out way longer than I had planned, but I really would like this to be a thread where people can give advice and encouragement. I guess I would break my advice down to the following:
[ul][li]Try hard to make yourself presentable. You don’t need to turn yourself into a sex god or goddess, but showing some pride in your appearance is a definite signal to others that you are somebody worth knowing. Get a decent haircut, wear nice clothing, shave, etc. “Giving up” can definitely be a self-fulfilling prophecy.[/li]
[li]If you’re overweight, consider going to a gym. It was the single hardest thing I’ve ever done, and I honestly don’t know if my outward appearance changed noticibly, but it did wonders for my confidence and general sense of well-being.[/li]
[li]Tell friends, family and co-workers that you wouldn’t mind if they had a friend they wanted to introduce to you. Yes, blind dates are hell, but your friends and family probably aren’t going to set you up with a total psycho.[/li]
[li]Consider dating outside your comfort zone, whether that means a different culture, race, religion, or whatever. All the things you hate about yourself may end up being exactly what somebody in a different culture finds attractive. Remember – those things we hate about ourselves are often dictated by what our particular culture has ingrained into us as being unattractive.[/ul][/li]
No, there aren’t any guaranteed answers, and yes, some people may never find the person of their dreams. Sometimes it’s not enough to “just stop looking so hard” or “learn to love yourself first” (although those things can certainly help). But I don’t think there’s any reason for somebody who is 20 or 25 or 30 or even 35 (i.e., an old fart like me) to give up solely based on past experiences (or lack thereof, as the case may be).
Regards,
Barry
