Last year my mom passed away after a long battle with cancer. It’s been very difficult on my dad. He’s 62 now, and they had been dating or married since he was 16.
Over Thanksgiving he and my aunt (his sister) came to visit us. While he was elsewhere my aunt told me that he was very down and that he wasn’t going to his usual activities, such as his church services or the aerospace lectures he used to attend. Now, I usually call him three times a week, and I knew he was down, but he’s very reluctant to talk about personal issues. Even while he was here he didn’t outwardly seem depressed. But I know from past experience he’s had depressive episodes, usually relating to his job or lack of it, and it’s been a struggle for him to get out of them. The big difference this time is my mom was always around to help him in the past. Now he’s living all by himself in this big house, which he wants to sell but can’t in this down market. And the one hobby he was really into (bicycling with friends) is winding down for the winter.
Now that my teaching job is done for the semester, I’m going to be able to take some time off to visit him. But I’m wondering what I can do for him. He’s very reluctant to talk about a lot of things, like his job or what’s going on in his personal life, and I don’t feel comfortable bringing those subjects up. But I hope that I can gently give him some suggestions on things to do that might get him out of the house a bit more. He has a lot of interests, like biking and science, but he seems reluctant to act on them.
I’m about the last person to say that someone who’s down should be helped out of it (I speak from personal experience there) but I’m afraid all of us in the family are kind of hoping that someone else will do it.
See if you can talk him into adopting a dog from the local shelter. Not necessarily a puppy but something already housetrained that will give him companionship and help him keep a daily routine.
I don’t have any advice…just wanted to say that my mother just died last week from cancer and that I’m definitely concerned about my father. He’s only 53 and is planning to go back to work in September (he’s a teacher) but I’m very concerned about him for the near future.
Working with kids, maybe? A lot of groups like the Boy Scouts are always looking for someone to lead activities at pack meetings and his science knowledge could be put to use.
Also, contact someone at the church and aerospace thingies that he likes and explain to them the situation. Prodding by outsiders to get him out of the house will do more than nagging by children. Neighbors poking their noses in once in a while are an excellent way to stir the pot as well.
Failing that, he may need some grief counseling. (everyone needs grief counseling, imho.) Start small with some books, anything by Elizabeth Kubler-Rossis an excellent place to start. Then maybe a support group.
Check on his nutrition as well. If he is eating poorly ( and learning to fend for himself for the first time in the kitchen beyond soup and sandwiches), that can have a negative effect on him brainbox as well ( too much starches and junk food make me sad and stabby and fat YMMV.) Good food and vitamins can help alot, IMHO.
You might want to ask him how his parents dealt with the loss of their spouse when they died. He might be doing the exact same thing they did and doesn’t know any better. Also, depression might run in the family. Just start asking him questions about the generation above.
But remember most of all, every person greives differently. Kid A I am sorry for your loss. 53 is very young, give him at least a year
( all the seasons and holidays) to mourn his loss.
I probably should have mentioned that my dad does have a dog. A loud, obnoxious, vicious Cairn terrier that, truth be told, I don’t think Dad would miss much if it disappeared, but it was Mom’s dog, so he has stuck with it. I think it’s more trouble for him than it’s worth, as he has to run home at lunchtime to take it outside.
I don’t think he’s eating so well. Dad was never the most creative cook. When I’ve gone to visit him I’ve done most of the cooking. But he does have a couple of friends in the neighborhood who sometimes bring him food. He seemed relatively healthy this weekend.
Shirley, I’m going to take your advice and talk to his minister and a local friend of his. I’ve talked to both of them many times, so I wouldn’t be a stranger talking to them, and I think you’re right in that advice might be better from them than from me. I think the “working with kids” idea might be a good one. He seemed intrigued by the teaching job I’m doing, and I know he thought about teaching one or two college courses in the past (he has a doctorate in engineering and loads of experience, I’m sure the local college would be glad to have him).
I talked to Dad tonight–he sounded relatively OK, not in the best of moods but looking forward to seeing me and the rest of the family at Christmas time.
Kid_A, I’m sorry for your loss. It’s a hard time but the best I can suggest is to be there when he needs you.
Does your father play Bridge or Chess? Are there any activities at the church or where he lives that can get his mind occupied on something like this? What about a course at the local university? Many universities have special non-homework/ high interest courses for older people.
Do things yourself and invite him to come along, but don’t nag. The idea is not to say “hey there’s a lecture you may enjoy” but, if there is something you’re doing which you think he may enjoy, say “I’m going to this museum, want to come?”
Oh, and practice until you can say with a completely straight face that you’re not inviting him over so he won’t be alone, you’re doing it because you want to be with him. Which even if true isn’t completely true, but it’s true enough to count as true, ok?
Do you miss talking with your mom? Have you told your dad? Nothing heavy, just how you genuinely feel (her smile, or food, or wit, or long phonecalls singing - you miss those things, they were good). It will give him contact with someone who understands a tiny piece of the loss he’s had (yes, the smiles and what each slightly different smile meant). He’s still your dad, that could be a rock in a suddenly uncertain sea.
Or maybe he’ll talk to you as one adult to another. Gotta be good.
Listen. She wasn’t just the woman he married, she was threaded into every day of his adult life, she cannot be separate from how he sees himself. If he won’t talk to you, ask if there’s anyone he would like to talk to, be it counselor, priest, drinking buddy, brother - whatever. Arrange it.
My father, who is an engineer and whose sensitivity index under normal conditions approximates that of a slab of granite, took up volunteering in the Baby ICU and nursery in his local hospital after his wife (my stepmother) died. He still does it now over a decade later. He holds the babies, that’s what he says. He holds them and pets them and rocks them and what have you and they never ask him to tell them how he is feeling or why he is crying. Nobody thinks anything about it if you are crying a little while holding a sick baby.
It has been a great thing for him, though how he got started is a puzzle to me. Everyone in his circle of friends and family to whom I have spoken says that it’s a great thing but they would never in a million years have thought to suggest it. He’s not the type, or at least that’s what everybody thought. And the babies and parents have no idea what a gift they are to him.
I recommend to you, not a great service but a small one regularly performed. My father had a friend from his youth who recently had a near-fatal stroke. He called that guy every week at the same time for a year. I think he still does. Often they talk for two minutes or less, and usually they talk the same kind of foolishness rednecks from the Gulf Coast talk about: cars and wimmin and fishing and how stupid the other one is and always has been. But that guy told me later it was the single best thing anybody did for him. It gave him something to look forward to, it gave him the hope of somebody to tell how horrible all the PT and medicines and pain and so on was, which gave him a reason to get through it. It was a chance to talk to somebody who didn’t act like he was not going to make it (because that’s what everybody thought including my father)
The thing is, he isn’t going to get better, he is just going to go on. He can’t be like he used to be because it isn’t like it used to be. This is hard for people to deal with. But accepting it is a great thing you can do for him. So try calling him without fail every, I dunno, Thursday at five. People are good with the big things, but not so good with the small ones.
Marienne How wonderful for your father to do such a not-like-him thing with the ICU babies!
My mom somehow managed to get her recently widowered neighbor to volunteer at the local hospital. He is a former WW2 british army officer and as stiff as can be, but he loves helping out there.
Another idea for cards ( cards are such a wonderful social event, we are teaching our collective children the basics of euchre to help their social skills later on.) is maybe show him Yahoo games on line ( or where ever) and you could meet him there for a bit at night.
Does he have a regular primary-care doctor? If he’s acting depressed, then an actual depression screening may be a good idea. The doctor cannot tell you any information about your father, but you can tell the doctor what’s happened in your dad’s life and the symptoms he’s displaying. That way, at whatever appointment comes up next, the doctor can raise the topic with him.