Advise me on how to deal with my mother

In My Humble Opinion
1

Well, once again I need advice.

My mother wants me to be a doctor. I don’t want to be a doctor. I really, really don’t want to go into all that now - suffice it to say it’s an ongoing argument, I’ve tried all possible approaches to make her see reason, but blargh, no dice.

I had to choose my A-level subjects a couple of months ago. I picked English, Politics, Chemistry and Physics, as I want to be a journalist but I’m good at science and I do like it. My mother agreed with the science, agreed with the fact I was doing Chemistry (the only essential subject for doing medicine), but in the end refused to sign my application form because “you’re ruining your life.” She wanted me to do Biology (which I am good at, to be fair, but I don’t like it.) In vain did I argue that I don’t like Biology, and I don’t want to be a doctor, but she stayed firm. My father signed the form, and I handed it in.

About a month ago, our arguments reached fever pitch. I was so tired, so demoralised, that in the end I gave up, let her ring the school and change Physics to Biology. I still don’t want to be a doctor and I still hate Biology, but I let her change it because I was so exhausted from the constant arguments.

Now, I regret that decision and the fact I gave up is beginning to make me feel worse about the whole thing. I really do like Physics and I always have, and I hate the thought I’m not doing it. To make things even worse, I have a very supportive Physics teacher whom I like very much, and she couldn’t believe I apparently changed my mind about doing her subject. She even made some discreet enquiries to find out “is that what Raven really wants,” as she knows the situation I’m in.

The way I see it, I have three options.

  1. Do nothing and do Biology. I hate myself for being so weak, though.

  2. Tell my mother I hate the thought of Biology and want to change back to Physics, and watch the fights start again. I’m so tired of all the constant recriminations, arguing and tension, that the thought of doing this makes me feel sick. To make things worse I don’t know whether she’d even agree to the change, and I might submit myself to this for nothing.

  3. Hi, Opal.

  4. Go ahead and make the change without telling my mother. This seems the most attractive option, as no parental permission is actually needed. My teacher would help me if I chose to do this - I’d cause inconvenience and annoy a few people, but it can be done. The only problem is what’ll happen when she eventually finds out, though.

What do I do?

2

Wow. You are in a really tough position and you have my sympathy. It can be so hard to have your parents pushing you in a direction that you know is just wrong.

I have a few questions:

  • Your father was willing to sign the slip for you - can he support you further in helping you show your mom that Biology is not the right class for you?

  • You don’t go into much background, but is there something in your mom’s life that has given her the drive for you to be a doctor? Can you talk with her about her fears for you if you are not a doctor and show her those fears don’t hold true in your life?

  • Seems you are in the UK since you say “A-level”. How old are you and do your parents support you financialy?

Of the options you lay out above, I’d go for a combination of 2 and 4. Make the change without asking her first, and then let her know calmly that you have done so. Maybe tell her after you have your first test, and can show her a really good grade.

Sorry I don’t have better advice, maybe others will share good ideas about not only this specific class but how to get your mother to accept your vision for your career.

Twiddle

3

Sorry, I’m just an ignint 'murrican. What is A-level? Is it equivalent to high school or college?

I agree with Twiddle that your best course of action is to make the change and then calmly tell her later–after it is too late to drop the class.

Ultimately, it’s your life. If you don’t want to be a doctor, you shouldn’t be a doctor. You might end up having to distance yourself from your mother for a while–but you have to do what is right for you. And on behalf of patients everywhere, let me say THANK YOU in advance for not becoming a doctor–the last thing I’d want was a reluctant doc treating me.

And why is she so hell-bent on you becoming a doc anyway? (She looking for free medical care or something? :stuck_out_tongue: )

4

I’m an ignint 'murrican, but I have some idea of what A levels are – the equivalent to the last part of American high school, but with a much greater focus on only certain subjects (whereas we continue on a more generalized course of study even into college). And I realize that picking the right A levels can really make a difference in your whole life.

You’re in a less than fun position, and I really hope you can get things worked out. I assume you’re what, about 17 years old? A tough time to be having to stand firm on this kind of major decision.

Does your mom have a clergyman or someone she trusts, a close friend, etc., who you can go and talk to about the pressure she’s putting on you to do something you do NOT want to do? Forcing you into a career you don’t want will fail in the long run, and as a mom I believe it’s just plain WRONG to do that, but persuading your mom, of course, is another matter entirely. Some outside help, or even mediation from a clergyman or trusted friend or advisor, might help defuse the situation. Or even maybe have your Physics teacher talk to your mom. Or, as has been suggested, your dad, if he’s willing to stand up to her alongside you.

But to be honest, if I were in your shoes, I’d say make your own decisions as long as you’re prepared to live with the consequences. Because ultimately it’s YOUR life and YOUR happiness that’s at stake. It sounds to me like you have a level head on your shoulders and a good idea of where you want to go with your life, and I hope you succeed at whatever you choose to do!

5

Having been in a very similar quandary just a few years ago, may I make a few suggestions?

First off, make sure that you don’t like biology because you actually do not like biology. Sometimes, we start out with a negative bias because of some trivial incident, and it colours our thoughts and behaviours very deeply. Be objective and decide how much of your dislike for the subject is influenced by your mother’s liking for it. Sometimes we just stick with a point of view because we’ve held it awhile; it’s not a very rational thing, but it’s how we’re built. You say you are good at biology. Keep that in mind while you think this over. Talk to both, your physics and biology teachers and get their points of view. Talk to a career counsellor and list out legitimate career options ahead of you. Whatever decision you make, remember that you will be living with the consequences. This has been mentioned in another post and cannot be stressed enough.

If you decide that bio is definitely not on the cards, then you need to stand up for yourself. The “ruining your life” comment makes me think you are of Indian extraction. In any case, talk to your father. He seems supportive of your desires. Give him good reasons for not wanting to continue with biology (i.e., reasons that are not the equivalent of “I just don’t want to!”). Then, having prepared him, ask to sit down with your mother, and one last time, try to get your message across, with his vocal support. DO NOT RAISE YOUR VOICE OR START BAWLING. You are attempting to make an adult decision, so at all costs and under all duress, you must act like one. Make clear your intentions of changing subjects. Doing it openly gives you credibility and less guilt to deal with. Hiding may be easier, but frankly, I think it is a less mature approach to take. So, say you will do it, and then go out and do it with your head held high.

Assuming you have changed your subject, you will probably be dealing with arguments on a daily basis. This is a power struggle, plain and simple. The only thing you can do is maintain a level head and refuse to be drawn into histrionics. If your choice was well thought out, stand by it. Put your heart and soul in it and do well at it. See if it is possible for you mother to see a career counsellor, or at the very least, your physics teacher, so that she can feel that she is getting information from someone in authority.

For your own sanity, you may probably want to distance yourself from your mother. If you must, you must, I suppose, but I fought it out. Both my parents opposed my choices, but I managed to remain on terms of intimacy with them in all spheres of my life except academics (the point of contention between us). Whenever academics came up, I suggested we stop the discussion immediately because there was no point to it. If this did not happen, I either physically removed myself politely, or stoically sat through whatever tirade was on and merely reiterated my point of view at the end. Not easy, but it can be done.

Having said all this, there is always a minute possibility that your mother was actually right. If at any point in time, you realise this, have the gumption and maturity to accept it, and make whatever changes in your life that are possible and necessary.

Remember, the thing about decisions is that the flip side is accountability.

Good luck with your future.

6

Hi, there.

I? m also curious as to why your mom is so hell-bent on you going into a career you want nothing to do with. Dissuading someone from a job is one thing, telling them they MUST take Job X is totally another, parent or not. I can?t see why she won?t listen to your concerns…

I couldn?t tell from your post ? are your parents divorced? I agree with distancing yourself from Mom in every sense of the word, and that would be easier if you and Dad lived elsewhere.

I?d have to agree that the best route is to change subjects without telling her until AFTER it is too late, say long after ?drop and add? is over or you?ve aced your first test. Heck, I?d wait until the report cards came out!

Please let us know what you end up doing and how things went. At least you have one sympathetic parent.

Patty

7

Loneraven, perhaps our mothers are twins. Mine wanted me to go to a college that didn’t offer my major because the college was prestigious and my Perfect Sister went there. When I pointed out that said college didn’t have my major, she told me that my major (journalism) was stupid. I picked another college, we agreed on an English degree, I changed in to journalism two weeks later.

My response? “I tried English but I really feel like journalism is what I’m best at and is the degree that will help me succeed the most.” I also had the support of dad, which was a tremendous help. When she brought it up again, I pointed out that I had nothing to add, and that the issue was no longer up for debate.

I suspect that this is a lifelong pattern with your mother; it certainly is with mine, and I doubt it’ll ever get better. “I’m happy with the choices I’ve made and proud of what I’ve accomplished” is something I find myself repeating often to her.

I agree with the others here: just stay calm and rational, even if she isn’t. And after a while tell her that the discussion is over. You considered her advice, you made your choice and you’re happy with it–you hope she can be too.

Best of luck to you!

8

Personally, I’d choose #4. You’ve tried to be open and honest with your mother, but apparently she isn’t having any of it. It won’t be good for either you nor her if you study a field you don’t like. I find that when I can’t get permission beforehand, it’s usually easier to just do it and get forgiveness later.

Besides, nobody in their right mind would choose Bio over Physics.

:wink:

9

Well whaddaya know? Just found out from another thread that Loneraven is Indian. Damn, I’m good!
Or rather: Damn, but I know how Indian families work!

10

Loneraven, your mother is being incredibly selfish about this. She seems to care more about the idea of having a doctor for a son than she does for your long-term happiness.

Her role as a parent should be to help you to make an informed decision about your future, not to drag you kicking and screaming into a career that you’re obviously not interested in.

If you’re doing your A-levels you’re practically an adult so it’s probably time to stand your ground for what you want. Try appealing to your mum one more time and get your father on side beforehand. If she refuses to bend, go ahead and do what makes you happy, it’s your future…you mum will eventually get over it :wink:

Good luck!

11

Loneraven, I’m another Indian girl doing what she wants to do, as opposed to what her mother wanted her to do. I had the arguments, the hassles, the recriminations, the mother trying to change A-Level options, because “I know what’s best for you”. However, in the end, I went my own way, did what I wanted to do, and now my mother is proud of what I’ve achieved. Yes, I still get the “If you’d have done Law and been a Lawyer, I would have been even happier, and you’d be wealthy…” speech. :rolleyes:

Ultimately, you’ve got to do what you want - get your father on side - he will help considerably, and if you truly hate biology, take a stand, with your father’s help, and tell your mother that you are not doing biology. The school will support you, since your wellbeing is in their best interests.

Why does your mother want you to become a doctor? Is it just typical Indian “but a doctor in the family is a good thing”, or is she trying to live her hopes and aspirations through you?

12

For some inspiration, go see Bend It Like Beckham. Drag your mother and father along if you can.

13

Sorry it took so long - my only free time is during the board’s downtime.

Pixelle, I’m a girl :). aasna, you know your stuff, I’m v. impressed. Brynda - I have done so (great minds…).

I should have made things clear, I’m sorry - I’m sixteen years old, I am Indian, my parents are very much still married, and I’m an only child.

Thank you for all your help; your advice is much appreciated and I will tell you all what I decide, when I do. Thanks again.

14

My apologies Loneraven :smack: I thought I’d read that you were male in another of your posts.

15

My apologies Loneraven :smack: I thought I’d read that you were male in one of your other posts…i’ve obviously confused you with someone else.

16

Oooooh, only child…man, the pressure has got to be hard.

My only advice: Try not forgetting who you are while your mom pushes you to be something you don’t want to be.

Peace.