A married friend of mine in her mid-40s has confided in me, over more than a year’s time, about an intense, reciprocated, long-standing emotional attachment/physical attraction to someone besides her husband. She’s acting like a teenager with a goofy crush. It’s painful to watch; no doubt worse to experience.
Details follow, but it all boils down to: as a friend, do I give her a place to vent without judging? Or do I tell her “damn, you are so f**d up, get a grip?!?!”
I’m going to go light on specifics because, in some circles, she (I’ll call her Laura), her husband (I’ll call him Hubbie) and Crush Object (I’ll call him Crush) are quite well known and could potentially be identified from what I write. So, I am going to “change details to protect the guilty.” Everything below is true in terms of explaining what kind of situation this is, but literal facts may be changed to obscure identities.
Laura, Hubbie, and Crush are all artists in a small but world-renowned artistic community where everyone knows everyone else and gossips madly. Therefore, Laura must be incredibly circumspect and cannot talk to anyone in that community. Laura can talk to me because I occupy an unusual in-between place: I know the people and the art, but am not an artist myself, so am outside the inner circle. My friend can confide in me without worrying that in 24 hours the entire group will know, because she (and to a lesser extent Hubbie) are the only ones I have contact with.
No one else can serve the role I do for my friend. I am - and this is important - her ONLY CONFIDANT. Friends in the art circle would gossip. Friends outside the art circle would not have a clue what she is talking about.
My friend has been with her husband for nearly 20 years. For a long time he was the light of her life.
Then, she got to know another artist who is far more magnetic - he’s younger, far more dynamic, intellectual, moving the art world forward, etc. etc. Her husband, on the other hand, is part of a passing artistic tradition and is languishing, not willing to try to advance his art.
She serves the role of amenuensis/personal assistant to Crush, a role almost no one in the world could replace because it requires rarefied linguistic, artistic, managerial, and networking skills that almost no one else has - she books all his international appearances, translates for him, etc. So saying “screw this, I can’t handle this emotionally, I’m not having anything more to do with Crush” would have serious repercussions in terms of Crush’s career and the preservation of his unique artistic contribution.
But, she is madly in love with him and torturing herself! He tells her he feels the same, but that if they slept together it would ruin their artistic relationship and it isn’t worth it. (Whether he’s telling the truth or simply trying to spare her feelings, either way he’s got the right idea - sleeping together would be a lousy idea.)
He’s a bit of an oddball and their relationship is up and down, up and down. Recently he got offended with her and wouldn’t talk to her – so she sent him 50 SMS messages over the course of 2-3 days and finally called people she knew he was with, saying “Did Crush leave his phone at home? I’ve been trying to call?”
Anyway, she’s an emotional wreck and as far as I can tell needs two things:
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To GET A GRIP ALREADY. Regardless of what she fantasizes, the longed-for sexual entanglement ain’t happening. Crush made it clear. Besides, she doesn’t want to cheat on her husband, and if she did the whole artistic community would know instantly (you can’t keep secrets there). Plus, she is acting like a 12 year old. Geez, what 45-year-old sends 50 text messages in 2 days to someone? But if I told her that, (a) brutal language probably wouldn’t help, just hurt her; and (b) it could destroy our friendship, which both of us value.
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TO HAVE A SYMPATHETIC EAR. The poor woman has no one she can talk to, except me. She’s been dealing with her feelings all alone. It seems to me that everyone deserves a non-judgmental friend who listens sympathetically and doesn’t respond with “Okay, now I’ll tell you what you should do…”
If you were me, would you tell her she is screwed up? Or would you listen and sympathize non-judgmentally? (She has no time or opportunity for a therapist, or I’d suggest that.)