I met my first crush, B, when we both started kindergarten together. I can vividly remember this was the first girl I ever liked and I have to admit, I never really got over it as we proceeded through school. We stayed together all the way through high school graduation. We were never really friendly (more just acquantinces) but I can remember always wanting to ask her out or take her to prom, just never having the courage to (I was a really shy kid).
We ended up going to the same college and let me be the first to admit that the school I went to was not my first choice. The first day I moved in all students had to attend a mandatory convocation to welcome everyone back. I was really sad because I didn’t really know anyone and felt all alone at this huge school (undergrad enrollment=35,000). Once this convocation was over, I remember walking back to my dorm even more sad than when I arrived and I just happened to bump into B. She gave me a big hug and we talked very briefly about our summers. She ended up giving me her phone number and said if I ever needed anything, don’t hesitate to call. I thought that it was pretty odd that the one person I would bump into would be B.
That was the last time I saw her for over 6 years. We are both now 24 years old and I just came to learn that she has had a very difficult few years. Now, pay attention because this is where it gets weird. My mom is actually rehab for substance abuse and when we went to visit for the first time, I found out that B was also in treatment. In fact, the two of them are actually very good friends now and have bonded. Seeing what B has so unexpectedly gone through has really messed me up emotionally and brought back to the surface everything I felt for her in school.
The only problem with everything is I’m almost positive she looks at me as a nice guy who she went to school with. I, on the other hand, really would like to marry her and love her for the rest of life. They say you know you will marry the right girl the minute you see her, and I know my life would not be complete without B. My only problem is I don’t want to reveal all this to her and creep her out. At this point, if me only being a friend to her means she will be happy and healthy, that is what I am willing to do. I just think it is more than simple coincidence that we seem to be appearing in each other’s lives and that maybe we are meant to be.
So that is my mundane stuff I had to share. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
Whoa there. Who is this “they”? Are they 14-year-old girls who have been reading too much Twilight? You’re being very unrealistic. But if it *was *true that you magically instantly know when you lay eyes on the person you should marry, but she thinks of you as just some dude, then that would mean you’re not the one for her and never will be.
I would hope it would creep her out to hear that an acquaintance feels their life would not be complete without her.
If you can take ten giant steps back and stop being obsessed with a fantasy, then you could just casually ask her out and, if she agrees, get to know her better and see where things go.
Your mother is a substance abuser, and now you’ve decided that a substance abuser is the woman you want to share your life with. That is indeed more than simple coincidence; it’s a reflection of your home life and how you learned to model relationships. Hearing that B is in rehab has stirred up a lot of emotions because it taps into the same codependency that children of addicts tend to develop while growing up. You saying, “I’ll sublimate my feelings and just be friends if that’s what’s best for her,” is classic, full-on codependent behavior; you’re devaluing yourself in a misguided quest to save her.
It’s not healthy, and it’s not real. You know nothing about what this woman is really like, and you’ve avoided any opportunities to actually find out. She’s just a fantasy that you’ve preserved through the years.
I’m not saying that you’re a bad guy; it’s just that your perspective is probably a bit distorted from being raised in a close relationship with an addict. Honestly, your best bet would be to set aside thoughts of a relationship with B for the time being and get yourself some Al-Anon, or some similar type of counseling. This is not Alcoholics Anonymous; rather, it’s a support group for relatives of substance abusers. You can learn from other people’s experiences how to develop good relationships, and how to set aside some of the self-defeating behaviors that relatives of addicts often fall into. Your mother’s rehab facility probably offers some sort of family counseling, and you’d be doing yourself a big service if you gave it a try.
Most of the time women will let you know if they are interested in being more than friend. That you were in close and emotional proximity with her for a very long time and this bell never got rung is not a particularly good omen that she is likely to want you as a lover. You are simply not on that track.
Can you get on that track? I don’t think I’d bet money on it. Even if she enters into a relationship with you because you are supportive and she is currently vulnerable don’t bet on it lasting when she gets back on her feet.
Normally I’d encourage you to try a few lunch and dinner dates and see where it goes, but you have so much pent up longing emotion inside you it’s likely to make these interactions uncomfortable for both of you, but especially her if she’s not going to reciprocate your feelings.
If you have enough self discipline to be a stand up guy without puppy dogging her, you might have a shot, but you’re going to have to keep yourself in check. I guarantee you if you hit her with a declaration of your undying love she will likely vamoose. You have to an in control adult man about this and if there’s no reciprocal interest you have to LET IT GO without making a scene.
Beyond all this let’s say your dream comes true and she wants to play house with you. You are now involved with someone with a serious drug addiction. Maybe she’ll get better or maybe she’ll relapse. Addiction changes people and not always in good ways. You are rolling the dice on every level imaginable.
I just wanted to say hi to someone with a similar username.
And I got back together with the first love of my life after some 22 years, went great for a while and then went to hell.
But drug problems…huge, huge red flag. You don’t want to do that, do you? Good luck.
Dude, we know what you want to hear. “Just go for it! Good luck! You never know until you try!” This isn’t bad advice. If you want something, go get it. Period.
However, on the flip side, is it worth it? There’s a lot of girls out there. If you give it some time, you’ll likely find another one. It may even better since you don’t have all these hang-ups. Not to mention the drug problems. Like they say, “out of sight, out of mind.”
He thinks he already DOES know though. He thinks he wants to marry her and that his life will never be complete without her! That’s some seriously crazy shit to think about an acquaintance, so yeah it would be bad advice to tell him to go for it.
ewwwwww yes! To the OP… you barely even KNOW her! You WOULD creep her out by telling her that. Quick question…do you not have a lot of realtionship experiance? The thing is, you cannot delvelop sophisticated feelings for her based on just barely knowing her. You have a crush. maybe some emotional trauma in the background. How do you know she isn’t some major screwed up person?
It’s also worth mentioning that someone who is just now in rehab is in no position to be making decisions about anything beyond staying clean and sober. Rest of her life? No. She needs to be taking things minute by minute, day by day, and concentrating on recovery, not relationships.
Respectfully, you should speak to a counselor about this unhealthy obsession. It’s not normal to have such strong feelings over someone you barely know. And I sincerely hope that the fact that you ended up at the same college as this crush was a complete coincidence.
This times a thousand! But then again the counselor will not be able to get through to him that his strong feelings for someone he barely knows is very strange.
Then again I am giving him a bit of leeway…its possible he has very little social abilty and is super lonely. I know a guy who followed my best friend. Had thought they were dorm buddies at least. I remember he was all " I have a crush on her. Don’t tell her." Turns out he had been going to her on campus concerts and had a crush on her, even thou he didnt even know her…that case kinda reminds me of this one.
To the OP. Get to know girls as FRIENDS. You’re fixtated on this fanasty for whatever reason, but again you dont even KNOW her all too well!
This seems similar to that moment, right before the crash, when everything slows down to near crystal clarity. You still can’t lower your collision deductible to $100 though, and you can’t make a girl with no feelings for you love you.
She is the Scotch to your Alcoholism; you need to say ‘no’ and stop reaching towards the glass.
You’re in love with the fantasy of B you’ve built up inside your head, not with B herself. If you do ask her out, do her the favor of letting her be a human rather than the fantasy girl on a pedestal you’re imagining her to be.
BTW, not to depress you overly much, but she was giving you an explicit invitation to ask her out when she gave you her phone number 6 years ago. That ship has likely sailed by now.
The OP never came back. I seriously wonder if there is some some strange mental illness going on here. I remember a guy who used to post on my messagboard, telling me he had a crush on another poster. He was not of the demographic that the board was targeted towards…but he was really …not dangerous fixtated but still strangely " I have a crush on her. Don’t tell her" style thinking…And then there was the dorm dude I previously mentioned… But on the other hand, nobody I know of had such a strange fixtation on someone from so long ago…again nobody’s commented on that. He is still fixtated on a “oh that girl is pretty” crush from KINDERGARTEN. I wonder if the OP never moved past the " the girl is pretty. Therefore she is my first crush" (without even knowing anything about her personality) stage of development. Also the " now this is where it gets spooky…I just feel like it’s more then simple coincidence that this is happening." just sounds almost classicly mentally ill…(ie there’s a magical force at work that is uniting us! We are MEANT to be togehter! ) I wonder if the OP has ever been tested for Asperger’s syndrome or other serious mental illneses. Again, it is not normal to have such strong feelings for someone you only know as a girl you went to school with…and it sounds like he carried the fanasty from kindergarten to college…and to NOW!!! That’s a disturbing fanasty. No…correction, A very distrubing FIXTATION!
The " I want to love her and marry her" statement sounds like someone who has never experainced the complexities of a honest to god relationship.
To the OP, PLEASE seek counseling!!!
Why does everything on this board have to come back to counseling? What happened to just thinking things through, getting your head straight and realising that there isn’t a relationship there, then acting accordingly? Instead everybody here seems to think nothing can be sorted without going to see some shrink.
Is it just the people on this board, or is this some wider American thing?
