I have recently - and quite foolishly - embarked on a fast-developing crush on someone, and I don’t like it. I’ve been in back-to-back relationships for so long and have only been recently single and am enjoying it, but the damned beautiful creature in question (a twin-legged homo sapiens sapiens female) literally fell out of the sky into my way, and, again, I don’t like it.
Other reasons I don’t like it is that I’ve had an emotionally violent history full of me being irrational when infatuated with someone, and I don’t like this happening again. In fact, I’ve promised myself to avoid this stuff for a long time. Additionally, I have neither financial nor emotional business being in love with someone to be honest, and I consider this to be a ridiculous luxury for someone of my standing. Furthermore, she’s an elegant and beautiful human being, and I am not. I am also afraid of rejection, on top of the aforementioned reasons, but it’s not literally on the top of the list.
So how do I get out of this sordid enterprise? So far she has provided zero indications to anything close to liking me at all, and I wouldn’t imagine she would have any reasons to, and am therefore free to withdraw myself either slowly or abruptly from her life - in which I have near-zero presence, I might add. But how do I do this?
How do I control myself and let go? As any other sentimental man may tell you, I’ve been in endless crushes throughout my life, and I always knew never to take them seriously, because I could tell it’s the old infatuation with any new attractive woman in sight, and I was always quite right about that. But I’ve talked quite a bit to this woman, and she’s goddamn love material.
So. How do I discipline this insatiable, love-hungry beast within me? How do I return to sanity?
You have been in back-to-back relationships but now want to be single, for your mental, emotional, and financial health.
You are enjoying being single. Although you often feel the pull to be part of a couple again, thus far you are resisting, for your own good.
You describe a past of numerous crushes with irrational, possibly embarrassing, behavior while infatuated.
You now have met a woman who, while kind and friendly, has given you absolutely no indication that she is 1) available, or 2) even remotely interested in you. But in spite of no encouragement from her, all your good intentions for yourself are falling by the wayside.
Frankly, what you are describing sounds to me like relationship addiction. (Takes one to know one.)
I strongly suggest that you seek counseling. I could advise self-control, staying as far away from her as possibly, moving to another city, or becoming a monk, but none of those options will resolve the inner problem of why you let yourself “fall in love” with someone you scarcely know when clearly it is not in your best interests.
Good luck. Yours is not an insurmountable problem but hard to overcome all on your own.
Start by identifying the specific behaviors you want to eliminate. For example, I can’t tell from your post whether the problem is violent emotional behavior or the need to be constantly in a relationship. Maybe they both need to be addressed, but you might feel that one needs to be resolved before the other.
Once you identify the problem, you look at the thoughts, feelings and behaviors associated with it. They all influence each other. For example, you seem to have a low opinion of your value. So you might start by getting a more honest appraisal of your good and bad qualities. That might help you to feel more confident, which might reduce the fear that leads to the emotional violence. Having examined the thoughts and feelings end of it, you can also look at the specific violent behaviors and practice doing something constructive rather than destructive.
Unrequited love is an essential ingredient in any man or woman. Let this woman be yours in your mind only and practice in your mind how you might proceed and grow from this unsettling but not changing experience. But understand that your experience of this person is 100% your perception and 0% anything to do with her. Write poetry if you want, but don’t send it. Paint a picture, but put it away. Et Cetera. But the actual person is not yours and you should use this woman, if at all, as a thought experiment
Thank you for taking the time to reply, but there was nothing wrong with my behavior at any point before, during or after any relationship I’ve had (in terms of violence or abuse). What I meant by an emotionally violent history is me not dealing well with heartache and having to resort to extreme measures in order to get over something, but none of that has ever been directed toward any of my former lovers. In fact, I’ve been called a “wonderful ex” a few times, because I know very well how to keep to myself.
And I am not addicted to being in a relationship. My whole post was about the ways in which I can bury my feelings early on and save myself and everyone else what I know in my heart won’t produce anything fruitful or everlasting. That’s all.
You should literally put her on a pedestal before someone literally beats you to the punch. These things can literally take eons to evolve, and the clock is literally ticking. Time literally waits for no man. Be brave and assertive! Don’t be a literal doormat.
