Is it an enjoyable feeling? Or is it like being obsessed and you just wish it would go away?
Does all love start off like this? Is it possible to fall in love without having a crush first?
How does one make it go away?
Does the nature of crushes change as one gets older? Is a crush in adolescence fundamentally different from a crush in middle-age? If so, how?
It’s an obsession, and it hurts so good. It makes you feel alive. It makes song lyrics have deep meaning. The emotional intensity is druglike.
Ultimately though they’re unproductive. I’ve always gotten over mine very slowly, as I very gradually start to see the object’s faults.
In my experience, lasting love never starts as a crush, and what starts as a crush never lasts.
Hmm enjoyable? I think it can be, particularly if the object of the crush is reciprocating. Most of the time for me it’s more of a wonderfully miserable feeling. I tend to not be able to breathe around guys I’m crushing on and I get clumsy. And I blush really easily and have no poker face so there’s no hiding it. Picture a puppy getting all excited and knocking things over with its tail. Yeah.
I’m sure it’s possible to fall in love without having a crush first – my guess is, though, most of the time people crush before they fall in love with someone.
Making it go away: outta sight, outta mind, IMHO. Limit contact with the object of the crush as much as possible. No Googling them or Facebook/Twitter stalking.
I do think crushes change somewhat as you get older. I’ve found them to be more painful (emotionally) as an adult and much, MUCH more embarrassing. If you’re married or if the object of your crush is married, a simple crush (even if you have no intention of ever acting on it) can potentially cause more problems (misunderstandings, accusations, feelings of guilt, etc.). As far as the physical manifestations of crushes, no, I don’t think it’s any different … still sweaty palms, nervousness, heart going pitter-patter, etc.
That said I think crushes are normal at pretty much any age, regardless of marital status or sexual orientation. They’re just part of being human.
You never had crush on anyone??
It surely occupies you.
It goes away when it does.
I appreciate that I can still have youthful crush as I get older… no I think it’s pretty much the same as the ones I had in high school.
Nope.
I’m not having one now either. I’m just curious how it feels.
How have you NOT had a crush at some point???
I don’t know how I’m supposed to answer that question.
It’s difficult to describe. It’s a benign obsession (usually benign anyway).
The person’s presence makes you happy, positive attention from them feels amazing, you love how they look and behave, and you can’t stop looking at them out of the corner of your eye. You think of them when they’re not there and are motivated to do things for them.
If a crush is unrequited it is a melancholy, sweet pain.
If it gets consummated you tingle all over with pleasure and feel like planets and stars are bursting around your head, for days or weeks.
They still feel the same at a later age, but it’s easier to control how they make you behave when you’re older - when you’re younger they can be all-encompassing and turn you into an ass. And in my experience they go away quicker when you’re older.
I’ve had crushes that turned into loving relationships, but have also had love that developed without an initial crush.
I’ve had two crushes in my entire life and I’m well into my 30s. The first time was about six years ago and I was falling for them bad. I finally got the guts up to tell them and got shot down. Completely felt like an idiot and vowed to never confess to someone like that again.
Cut forward to now, when I’m harboring another intense crush. It’s horrible and wonderful at the same time. I love talking to them, being around them. We joke around about all sorts of things that people who are just friends don’t joke about. But still I won’t say anything because I don’t want to feel like a complete fool again and possibly ruin the friendship. That being said, I really can’t say if having a crush is a good or bad experience. For me, knowing that I’ll never be able to pursue it makes it more painful than anything. So I think it really depends on the situation.
Yes, a crush feels great. It’s like…well, have you ever felt giddy about anything? A crush is basically just a feeling of giddy excitement over one particular person instead of a thing. Being around the person just makes you instantly feel happier than you would have been otherwise.
The consequences of a crush can be painful, if the other person doesn’t feel the same way, but the crush itself is a good feeling.
No, not all love starts with a crush. A lot of times when people talk about “passionate” love then a crush is the basis for it, but a lot of people have fallen in love in a more low key way.
A crush isn’t always a good basis for a relationship either. Most crushes start when you don’t really know a lot about the person and don’t really know if you’re compatible with them, so you may be drawn to someone on emotional grounds that really isn’t good for you.
Depends on the person. For many people, trying to avoid the person or focus on their negative qualities does help the feelings fade. Some people have more trouble letting go of crushes than others do (and in some cases it does become an obsession).
I agree with those who said that when you’re older, the feelings are the same, but you’ve learned how to behave better and not make a fool of yourself because of crush feelings.
First off I think it’s important to note that the term “crush” is defined rather loosely, and may be used different ways by different people. That said, I’m familiar enough with your (monstro’s) posts here that I think I have some idea of what kinds of information you’re looking for and I’ll do my best to answer.
It’s an exciting feeling, but not purely enjoyable because it involves wanting something that you don’t have. I’m trying to think of an analogy, and the best I can come up with at the moment is that it’s like feeling hungry and smelling some delicious dish cooking. Feeling hungry isn’t pleasurable, but smelling yummy food is nice…and it makes you think about eating that food. If you know there’s no way you’re going to get to eat the food then you might wish your hunger would just go away, but it would be better to get to eat the food!
I’m afraid that’s not a particularly brilliant or elegant analogy, but I hope it is helpful.
Well, I don’t think one can fall in love with someone in the romantic sense without also being attracted to them. “Crush” could be defined so loosely that it basically meant “attraction”, but I’d say the term usually implies that the feelings of attraction are excessive and/or unrequited. Most crushes do not lead to love, and I’d say that it’s possible to fall in love without experiencing excessive or unrequited attraction for the other person.
It’s not really a rational thing, so it’s difficult to reason oneself out of it. Trying to focus on the crush-ee’s flaws might help, I’m not sure. If nothing else they do fade with time.
I’d guess that adolescents are more prone to crushes due to their surging hormone levels and general inexperience with relationships. Older people generally don’t have those problems, and are more likely to realize that a crush isn’t the same thing as everlasting true love!!! and behave accordingly. But there are also plenty of middle-aged people who make stupid decisions because they’re infatuated with another person, so I don’t know that nature of the crush really changes with age.
Feeling hungry–or rather, having an appetite–is desirable. It makes you feel alive, like there is something worth living for. So I can see how having a crush is a pleasant feeling. But getting food is a lot easier than making someone love you back. So in that way I can see how having a crush is more painful than pleasurable.
Thanks for the explanations.
It is hard to believe anyone NOT ever having had a crush on anyone at all, not that I don’t believe you… a teacher, you were a jock or a nerd and he was a hippy or greaser or something like that… an actor or a singer?
I’ve had many crushes over the years, and for me they’re similar to earworms. Your awareness of the person just keeps going around and around in your head, and nothing can have any effect on it . . . until you develop a crush on someone else. The strange thing is that even though I’ve been in a monogamous relationship over 24 years, I still develop crushes on other people.
Here’s what a crush feels like.
I feel sorry for anyone who’s never had a crush.
Makes you feel like you want a new drug
Relevant thread: I am infatuated with my German professor
Re. making crushes go away: you can’t control them really. Two examples.
Sometimes they don’t go, they just fade. There was a girl at work when I was single on whom I had a serious crush, and who demonstrated unambiguously that she felt the same about me. She was in a long-term relationship so nothing was done about it, but it was powerful. Two years on and I’m in a relationship myself, but I am still really attracted to the first girl, though the feelings are diminishing. I don’t think about her obsessively any more and I no longer see her, so it’s more out-of-sight-out-of-mind that is helping it fade.
Prior to this, however, there was another girl in the same period of my life on whom I had a crush and actually asked out. She rejected me. I was a bit crushed (ha ha) but we went for a drink a few days later and talked about it rationally. The next day I woke up and the crush had gone completely, and I could see that we wouldn’t have worked out. (Ironically a few months later she got a crush on me and told me she was in love with me, but the window of opportunity had passed.)
To me it feels very much like being in the grips of a new story idea. But if I suppose if you don’t write, that’s not a helpful comparision.
To quote myself from about a decade back (from an essay unsurprisingly titled “Write like Love”)
Anyway, crushes are good, even if they’re not requited. At the moment I don’t have (a non-celebrity) one, and wish I did.
I can understand feeling something for someone who is in your presence and actually knows your name.
But a celebrity? Surely people don’t have crushes on celebrities the same way they have crushes on actual people in their lives, right?
That’s how it is for me too. I think of a ‘crush’ as something very much not serious and usually not something you ever expect to come to anything; if you accept it, it can be kinda like having some of the feelings of being in love without any of the complications. The few I’ve had have just passed with time.
Man, having a crush on someone is both simultaneously exhilarating and frustrating. When you’re in their presence, it’s bliss. You over analyze every word, gesture, look, anything, to see if feelings might be mutual. But, when they’re not around, the obsession increases, and can be agonizing. You start overanalyzing your words, gestures, behavior, etc. to make sure you didn’t do or say anything dumb or could be misinterpreted.
If it goes unresolved, you’ll think about that person, off and on for the rest of your life. If a relationship is sparked, it’s your usual honeymoon period and infatuation, that could last for months… But as with any relationship, all bets are off after this. Time for life and reality.
If rejected, it hurts. Bad. But, at least you’ll move on and have no regrets.
I hope you find someone to crush on one day… It’s like nothing else.