I’d say it depends - for a lot of people, it’s possible to have a crush on someone you don’t actually know. It’s just an intense physical attraction or fascination, and it’s the idea of that person (who, conveniently, fulfills every single one of your ideal fantasy needs) that people “trip” on when they are crushing. A large part of most crushes is nothing more than fantasizing.
In that way, it’s just as easy to be attracted to the person on the bus as it is to the person on TV or in a movie.
I’d say that there is an element of fantasy to all crushes, even if it is someone you know in real life. The term “crush” carries some connotation that the crush-er’s feelings for the crush-ee are silly or exaggerated. One can think that a celebrity is hot and/or seems appealing in interviews, and that’s enough to have a fantasy about how great it would be to actually date this celebrity. Of course any rational adult realizes this is merely a fantasy, but adolescents and crazy people may have a harder time making the distinction. You sometimes hear of teenagers being really upset that their favorite star got married. For young people who are nervous about sex or their own sexual feelings a crush on a celebrity is also “safe” in a way that a crush on a person they actually know is not – a poster of Robert Pattinson isn’t going to expect them to do anything they aren’t ready for.
Now that I think of it, this can happen with adults too. A friend of mine in her late 20s developed a major crush on a certain movie star. I mean she would not shut up about him. She did eventually get over it, but for a while it was like being friends with a 12 year old. Anyway, this started not all that long after she got out of a long-term relationship with a man who’d turned abusive. So I think her celebrity crush phase was part of the way she dealt with moving from being afraid of getting involved with anyone to actually being ready to start dating again.
I’m struggling to get over an unrequited crush right now. I need to find someone who can reciprocate my feelings. In the meantime, I obsessively think about her and it feels good. Then I think about how she doesn’t feel the same way and I feel bad. Then I think about changing her mind and I’m good again. Then I realize the odds of changing her mind are slim to none. Bad again. It can be a roller coaster.
It has changed since I was a kid. When I was growing up, the Web was in its infancy and I couldn’t cyberstalk my crush, which makes it harder to get over if you can’t act on it. Also, cell phones weren’t ubiquitous. I know it’s best to avoid contact, but modern technology make it harder to resist temptation.
A crush can be a wonderful thing that can lead to friendship, if not more. I had what I consider to be “childish” crushes - mostly on older handsome teachers or such. I would never have even considered letting the object of the crush know about how I felt.
A few years ago I had a horrible crush on a guy who was literally almost young enough to be my child. The attraction was not one sided, from conversations we had. We both understood the attraction was mutual and going nowhere and had a lot of fun with it.
Funny this should come up now. I just learned a teacher I had a BIG crush on in high school got married to one of the dorm moms.
My celebrity crushes are WORSE.
I don’t know if I should be grateful or sad!
Sad. The high highs are worth the lows.
Oh, I think people have crushes on celebrities all the time. That’s part of why they’re celebrities in the first place. We fall in love with these people on the big screen. We swoon when they sing to us.
I loved Donny Osmond when I was a child. Luckily, I outgrew that, since I never had a shot at him anyway and I don’t like him much at all now because I know more about him. He’s more than just a pretty face that sings pretty. Which is all my 12 or 13 year old self knew.
He was one of my very first ever crushes, oh my. He was all I could think about. I would stare at his poster and just cry because I knew he could never be mine. I would pray to God that I’d be a good girl forever if only he would grant me this one wish and have Donny somehow find me and propose to me. I’d fantasize about the wonderful life we’d have together. It’s intoxicating. And it does hurt, but as someone else said it better, it hurts so good.
I agree that as you get older, it’s different. You know you’re not going to really “just die” if you can’t have this person. You learn how to put it in to perspective.
I think a crush doesn’t survive, when the person you are crushing on, reveals flaws or imperfections. But deeper, more mature love, overlooks normal human failings and can even turn that annoying thing they do, into something you think is cute. Real love lasts longer. It keeps you around during the bad times. And it can start out with the heat of a thousand suns and then burn down to something that just keeps you warm instead. And warm is good too.
It is hard to describe. I’m so very sorry that this is something you haven’t been able to experience Monstro. I hope medicine will someday allow you to get close, at least.
Celebrity crushes I can understand, but those feel less legitimate than over someone you know personally and interact with.
Then again, I’m not what you’d call romantic. Maybe this is more prevalent in women? I grew up with three sisters, and even my wife tells me about her celebrity crushes, and these crushes seemed almost as intense as the real thing (incredibly strong emotions, obsession, heart break when they hear they find a girlfriend or get married, etc.). However, all my male friends (myself included) have never seemed to even come close to that kind of “head-over-heels” crush over celebs they find attractive compared to their emotions and expressions when they’ve met someone they’re smitten by.
Man, this thread is bringing back memories. I had some HUGE crushes, all unrequited, when I was in high school.
One of the highlights of my school years was in ninth grade when one day by random chance I ended up getting a ride to school sitting right next to the girl I had a crush on. It’s still a crystal clear memory, 35 years later.
Yeah, right.
Monstro has a cruh-ush. Monstro has a cruh-ush. Monstro and that dude sittin’ in a tree, k.i.s.s.i.n.g. First come love, second comes marriage, then come monstro with a baby carriage!
You are busted, monstro. Just come out and admit your cootified lovey-love.
Don’t worry. We won’t tell.
Extree! Extree! Monstro catches the love bug. Read all about it!!
A lot of it, sadly, is the fact that you don’t actually know them and as a result tend to project all these desirable attributes onto them. Why, yes, [desirable star] is a great cook and awesome in bed and doesn’t care if I’ve shaved my legs or not and loves cats as much as I do and always uses their turn signals and is an AMAZING parallel parker and a generous tipper and puts the seat down and wipes up his own dribbles and remembers what kind of toothpaste you like and how you hate mushrooms so only adds them to half the pizza and never puts the knives point up in the dishwasher, etc, etc, etc.
Ecstasy.
Flip side?
The fact that you don’t actually know them, but deep in your heart you know they’d never give you the time of day given the chance.
TORTURE!
I have a crush on my wife. Always have had, since the first time I met her 25 years ago.
It feels like when you’re having a really bad day in work, you console yourself with the thought you get to go home to her.
It means that you run the last few steps to the door of your house, because you’re about to get to see her again soon.
It means that when she puts her arms around you, you feel like the luckiest man in the world.
I think that’s a crush :- it’s lasted through a 20 year marriage and 2 kids.
So, monstro, I have to ask out of honest curiosity. And IIRC, you’ve been dealing with a raw deal of some depression/mental issues? If not, I apologize… This board is huge, and my memory is worth shit.
Anyway, why do you think it is you’ve gone through your entire life without having ever becoming totally infatuated with someone? I’ve never given it a thought until now, I must’ve passively assumed its just one of those things everyone experiences; in a more primal sense.
I really don’t think it’s in good taste to make fun of someone for asking these kinds of questions here.
Also, a crush is a crush is a crush. It’s the feeling of I would cut off my left arm, right now, to be with that person. I think the only difference between adolescence and adulthood is a bit more subtlety, and if you’ve outgrown you insecurities you probably had as a kid, more confidence or even flirtation.
I’ve been married for a bit, but damn, even flirting in and of itself is a pretty strong high – making that connection, almost non-verbally, with some you’re deeply attracted to… Whoa.
If I’ve got to take drugs or have surgery to have a crush on somebody, I’ll pass!
I’m not sure that I’m as pitiable as ya’ll think. Crushes sound quite stressful, if you ask me. I don’t think I’d like thinking about someone constantly while knowing that it’s all a fantasy. I wouldn’t like knowing that I can think but not have. With the exception of a couple of things, whenever I have wanted something, I have been able to go out and get it. I don’t usually dream about stuff that I can’t have. I’m not saying this is an overall good thing, but it’s not a horrible thing either.
I do wish I could have the experience just once, though. Just so I can relate to what everyone’s talking about and not feel so mean. One of my coworkers has multiple crushes on celebrities–displaying their pictures on her desk and everything. I find it silly. When I told her that Heath Ledger had died, she cried and yelled at me for not being more sensitive (I had jokingly said, “Really? You’re gonna cry over a guy you don’t even know?”) So the problem isn’t that I’ve never had a crush. It’s that I’m not at all empathetic towards people who do.
Crushes, in adults are called limerence, scientifically.
I don’t think there is a clear-cut “why”. I do have periods of depression–I still debate with myself whether most of them rise to the level of “clinical depression”. But I haven’t been depressed my whole life. I was an eccentric teenager and young adult, but as far as I know I wasn’t a mentally ill one. I didn’t start really feeling “not right” until I got into my mid-20s.
I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder (schizoid PD), so the not-having-crushes thing fits in with a bigger pattern of social disconnect. What causes SPD? I don’t know. In some people it stems from a childhood of neglect or abuse. My childhood wasn’t all roses and clover and there were some WTF! moments, but I do not think I was abused. In a smaller percentage of people, it reflects a genetic vulnerability to schizophrenia. Unfortunately, my family history and birth/developmental history makes this a hypothesis worth considering. The fact that I’ve developed the affective and motor symptoms of schizophrenia also makes this not a totally far-fetched idea. All I can do is just stay on top of things and tell myself, “I’m not going to develop schizophrenia! I’m NOT going to develop schizophrenia!” Most times I can convince myself that I’m fine and it’s all good. Other times I’m just not sure about anything, and I start feeling like time is running out.
Not having crushes does not warrant pity, IMHO.
That’s okay. I laughed.